A reader asked how one might protect themselves once awareness has happened.
“I would like to learn more about how to block the narcissists out after they hurt you. I recently had to block one out but I did it from a position of anger after months of priming and eventual abuse which caused me to stand firm and close the door on her. The problem is that I told her too much about myself and she is a back stabber. I want to out her to her face but I’ve chosen to let her drift. Just as all if my friends/colleagues have who have been lied to by her and given the hard sell. They are just letting her drift and just not allowing her into their businesses. I am the only one who wants to out her with the biggest display of rage. I’m not sure either way is healthy. To out her from rage or to let her drift. Either way my feelings do not feel validated. Nor would she ever validate them. She’d deny the lies she told even if we were all in the same room with all the people she lied to cross referencing her.
Part of me thinks that my outing of her behind her back was enough. They all saw the truth once we’d discussed the lies about one another.
She is dangerous. I feel she is harmful and poisonous because she believes her own lies! That is the scariest narcissist of all. The one who has absolutely no awareness of the difference between facts and their own made up reality.”
This is an important and complex topic and will be broken down into parts. This is because there are stages to the development and it fully depends on what stage you are at.
For example, it would have been of no use to me ten years ago if someone had told me “Your boundaries are all over the place”. This would have been the equivalent of someone telling me that in order to stop the pain all I need to do is recite the Koran in its Mother Tongue – and understand what I am saying, first time.
Impossible and ridiculous.
I will start from the premise that this person has just begun in understanding about Malignant Narcissism within society.
I can fully appreciate what this reader has said; you have realised how much you have been walked over and not one single person will vouch for this injustice nor offer you support through loyalty and validation. The person who has done this is left to ‘drift’ and allowed to create chaos and drama wherever they please because ‘that’s just them’. And it becomes your sole responsibility to suppress your angry betrayal (felt towards the Narcissist and to those who you thought loved you) because if you don’t then they will come down hard on you and punish you (through isolation, alienation, judgement etc.). It seems like the Narcissist (or MN) has free reign but you do not – and it is your feelings that are entirely justified.
Should this be a non Malignant Narcissistic society, then it would be you who would be entirely justified and supported by the majority of peers. However, this kind of MN trait has been ingrained within our society so much that it is now the norm and you are the abnorm.
Which is why if you find yourself in company of those who can see clearly, really see and be able to discern (quietly) and stand firm (in a smart manner) then treat them like the valuable things that they are and hold on to them.
Should you find yourself in the same position as this reader, then I would suggest that you never be ashamed of your anger and rage – this is a natural reaction when your boundaries have been trampled on. This is not something to hide away nor be embarrassed about. To feel pressurised into feeling ashamed and silenced is indicative of the Malignant Narcissistic breeding trickling through society and within interpersonal relationships.
It is our natural way to bare our teeth, so to speak, when a threat enters our territory or threatens our well being. Yes, animalistic but instinctual and it is natural instincts that keep us alive.
Should these natural instincts be eroded and replaced with priming then we have effectively become bait meat and because these types have no off buttons and are the ultimate consumers, then they will consume until we are extinct.
It is necessary to trust in your instincts and if by some weird fate you turn out to be completely wrong about someone (of which, I doubt rarely happens in life when you really think about it) then it is easier to make amends than to pick up shattered pieces of your life once one of these types has crossed you and annihilated your life.
So, yes, use that anger but use it wisely. Do not use it to seek out validation from either the unwoken (plug monkey’s) or the person who has caused you severe harm. You will never get it and you will cause yourself more pain. This is ego driven and it has been over inflated as a self protection measurement but directed towards the wrong area.
Use it to learn. Use the anger to learn and work into within your future. Understand what it was that made you angry and look at the path that took you to that point. See the indicators and over time, those indicators will become less and soon you will be able to judge at which point a situation will take you down the angry self defence road and at which point you can prevent it.
Prevention is better than trying to cure the illness.
Let this person drift, because like it or not, they have their own path to travel and Malignant Narcissists have been born this way and are doing what is natural to them and their existence – this will never change. What has happened is society is founded upon this without any balance for the opposite – you.
Narcissists made a conscious choice to follow in the foot steps of MN’s and character disorders are one step away from becoming Narcissists.
You can’t, once they have chosen this as an integral part of their make up (and never, should they be born this way) to change them.
The only thing you can do is decide how you will continue.
Let them drift but that doesn’t mean that they are then allowed to enter your space and do you harm whenever they please just because you (and others) let them drift.
You leave them in peace but everytime they enter into your space and every time you feel that physical sensation of feeling threatened, you make sure that you verbalise that they need to back off. You do not need to justify yourself to anyone, indeed, it part of your priming that forces you to justify and effectively beg others to understand where you are coming from – and this is part of what they see as weakness because you are showing a self doubt and highlighting priming.
It is their understanding of social etiquette and protocol as well as knowing that social structures throughout the heirarchy now reward results regardless of how that result has been achieved, means that all they need is the backbone to push. To see risk but understand that psychology is such, that generally no one wants to stand up and be counted. That these types get away with it because no one wants to admit that they were wrong or show individuality of thought within a society that generally punishes those who stand out.
Their brazen-ness isn’t so much as brazen but niche capturing within today’s malignant psychology. It is very smart and skillful and to that end, I admire it, but this talent is used in a soul destroying way when it could so easily have been tuned into a soul evolving way – collectively.
When you look to others for alignment in your rage and they do not follow, even if you know that they have seen it for themselves then sure, feel let down (once more, don’t feel ashamed about your natural reaction to this), but during quiet time alone analyse the situation for its true meaning. Know that people are utility and for whatever reason, that person who trampled on you is of use to those who turn a blind eye. It could be because the person who has harmed you knows secrets about them too or it could be as simple as the Narcissist gives them power in some way (always controlled and always giddy euphoria to begin with in a short burst then a minimal drip, but a superiority is given against you in some form or another). ‘Positive’ or ‘Negative’ exchange, be sure that there is an exchange happening – and be certain that the MN/Narcissist will cut it off as soon as they are of no use…and ruin their characters should they try and continue the exchange when the MN/Narcissist has cut it off.
Now, let us look at practical ways that you can defend wisely without swaying away from your truth path. Let us look at being aware and then protecting yourself while you are forced to live side by side with the unwoken and also the harmful.
It is impossible to say that you can live your life completely removed from Malignant Narcissism and its derivatives because our entire societal infrastructure is created by it and has bred it right down to familial level.
What one must do is understand oneself; show compassion and trust for yourself and finally, increase the amount of like minded people around you while minimising unnecessary contact with MN’s and their derivatives.
Above everything else, know that you are here to serve but you are not a servant in chains. We find growth through reciprocality, not martyrdom to a vacuum. You are not in chains, but your connection can be just as strong and it is only you that can decide who needs you and how much you want to give.
Help but when you are kicked, help yourself .
Now, the practicality of this meaning.
When you feel uplifted by helping others or being around others, continue to do so. This means that it is reciprocal because you are getting help from who has received help from you. It is of equal exchange.
Should a person be poison to you and you also see them being poison towards others, yet you are the only person who seems to be (externally and openly) enraged by it then stand back and remove yourself from that area. To re enter or continue within it means that trying to ‘help’ others (see it/feel enraged/stand against them/admit that you were right etc.) is more important to you than your own well being. Do not let your ego overtake your sense of survival.
It is infuriating when no one stands by your side, but people will as soon as you show trust within yourself.
There are other people who feel as outraged as you but as equally unsure of their own strength.
For me, I remain civil (depending on the level of harm cast on me) but do not give one inch, nor one chance of self doubt. I leave nothing to chance.
You harm me once now, make me feel defensive (listen to how your body reacts and then act accordingly) and should I need to remain in your company then I will show no patience to you. Those half truths, starter rumours, ‘in jokes’, ribbing, sly digs, nods and winks to others in the group – absolutely anything and everything that you would allow a real friend or colleague to do (as thats interaction) – I do not allow a MN/Narcissist to do and don’t give a damn what other people think. The worst that they will think is that you are an absolute tight ass with no sense of humor – so what. All you need to do is show your true, loving and helping self to those who value it and rumour is quashed.
I have jokes and self depracating laughs with those who approach me as an equal, I take a zero tolerance approach to those who twist it to raise themselves to a higher platform and whoever clambers on board the MN/Narcissist platform while this is happening, I know the limits I need to put on them too.
Seeing the truth, seeing through the lies and being aware of yourself is a blessing. Knowing what to do with it and how to protect yourself is a challenge but not one out of your capability. Realising that your life may well be richer now but with more hurdles doesnt mean that you can’t cope, it means that you just haven’t found the right approach …but, it will come.
You stand firm; not just when seeing the truth but when defending your worth. Let those go who dont see the value in you because you are not chained to anyone you don’t want to be.
There is no shame in telling others that while they may like that person, you do not.
Keep it simple, don’t over complicate it because our truth path is a straight road. You are, beauty in its purest form and the true eye will always value this.
Please let me know if anyone would like me to qualify this with examples as I wrote this visually.
Take care and don’t give anything away to those who see you as an inferior. Equal exchange only.