The Walking Narcissists – The True Living Dead

Narcissism, especially Malignant Narcissism, an overview

Month: March, 2013

Age of the Narcissist

We are living in a dangerous era. That of the Malignant Narcissist.

I do not say this lightly;  in fact I have wanted to skirt around introducing such a dramatic statement for days now considering that you, the reader, have no idea who I am nor have I really shown you any true basis for you to trust my credentials for knowing this. I have also left quite a number of topics open within the last few posts that still require further thought from myself.

So, why the hurry to introduce this?

This kind of statement has the propensity of undoing any kind of credibility that I may have gathered thus far.  It may further add weight to my readers judgement that I should be taken no more seriously than light entertainment on a boring rainy night while sipping a glass of wine. Alternatively, it may help connect a few more dots for some people.

All I can do is follow my instinct. It is demanding that I write this, so that’s what I will do. Whatever happens after that will be what it needs to be.

This post will centre around the term, the effect this has had and what I propose is the truth.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is within the Diagnostic Manual for Mental Disorders.

The term Narcissism centres around that banal myth about the beautiful little boy who spends his youth flouncing about and shuns the advances of a pretty little ghostie. Revenge is taken upon him by another ghostie, making him spend the rest of his days admiring his own reflection – loving only himself – alone.

Whoever in Higher Authority decided to name Narcissism after the famous little flouncer and then class it as a mental disorder really did know what they were doing.

In one fantastic psychology sweep, evil was given somewhere to hide and flourish while all wrapped up in some cutesy naive wrapping paper.

I would even go so far as to point the finger towards this Higher Authority as being a MN themselves…offering refuge to all ‘his/her’ cronies.

I am appalled that Malignant Narcissism has managed to disguise itself so effectively that it is classed as a ‘disorder’. I am further appalled that these creatures have been protected to such a great extent that should you say to anyone “What do you think Narcissism is?” they will cite this banal myth and no further seriousness will be applied.

Look up Narcissism on the web and you will see for yourself.

Narcissism is generally viewed as some sort of over-inflamed vanity within the ‘beautiful people’ demographic. Sometimes, I hit upon a person who can see that the Narcissist will generally put themselves before others but even then there is a limit to this – there will always be, according to this kind of observer, someone who comes before the Narcissist …there will always be that special someone who the Narcissist places first…there it is again – Anthro-ing.

Generally though, Narcissism isn’t seen as a threat to anyone but to the Narcissist, which only results in harm to others indirectly by not being a ‘team player’. The general consensus is that one day the Narcissist will grow old, lose their looks, lose whatever quality that they have which “made” them a Narcissist and ‘then they will learn, oh how they will learn tut tut silly billy’s.’ 

It – Narcissism – is a term that has become rapidly highly revered as being a quality of the successful, confident, self – esteemed, beautiful and smart people among us. Children are growing up with a skewed sense of what it means – and what it takes – to be successful. Adults are teaching the impressionable next generation that every ‘weak’ emotion should be repressed and confidence is ‘out for yourself at any cost’.

‘Weak’ emotions are those emotions that I will class as innate self defence against Narcissism. Upset, empathy, anger (towards those wrong doers), tears, caring, nurturing, fight or flight etc. are mocked and ridiculed. The sensitive (another term high-jacked  by MN’s and their derivatives to buckle the human qualities and render our defences immobile through self doubt of what our bodies are trying to tell us – danger! danger! danger!) among us are bullied into repressing and hiding these qualities in order to survive the Narcissistic jungle.

The purposeful repression of these ‘weak’ emotions –  through years of oppression and then years of conditioned self repression for the sake of  survival within a Narcissistic environment –  by the Higher Authorities in one’s life and then by oneself (parents are usually first point of contact for human quality repression which then primes the victim for a lifetime of submission towards other MN’s and its derivatives) means that we start to see a surge in “Personality/Character Disorders”  within the Mental Health Field and wider society.

This is because energy can never be destroyed, only transformed. If these ‘weak’ emotions are the very thing that makes a human reach their potential of following their truth path and act as a defence mechanism against harm, then it makes sense that the repression of said qualities against the natural order will result in the corruption of qualities into a manifestation perverted opposites.

Now, let us not forget that I am arguing that it is Malignant Narcissists that are at the top of the Heirarchy. They are, in and of themselves, Malignant masters and have been born like this. There is nothing that we can do to change this as they are part of the natural order just as much as its opposite. What is required is balance and during this era, I am arguing, the MN’s have tipped the scales with many humans falling from their scale into the MN’s.

Narcissists (garden variety) are a by product of the MN’s. They are the foot soldiers, so to speak. They have a place within every facet of our life from media, health, schools, religion, food, celebrity, government, pharmaceutics  etc. etc. For every facet filled with Narcissists there will be at least one MN, related or not to those Narcissists, heading the facet either from up front or behind. Like I said before, they have their own language so MN’s generally do not need to be so overt with their intentions, they build the ground work and then live as a figure head while the Narcissistic working ants ensure it flourishes.

Going back to the Mental Health classifications;

This kind of glossy marginalisation within the general public and the protection within the mental health field by classing it as a ‘disorder’ means that these creatures have succeeded in the ultimate wolves in sheep’s clothing and the complete annihilation of world balance is coming to the forefront.

My assertion is this;

Malignant Narcissism is the cause of all evil within this world. Every known abuse, travesty, perversion and corruption was/is by the hands of MN’s.

Garden variety Narcissism is based on youthful damage by MN’s and its derivatives and generally never recover to join their truth path as they fill their emptiness with ‘false idols’ which leaves them eternally hungry.

Malignant Narcissists are born MN’s. They provide a steady stream of ‘false idol’ meals to the eternally hungry and so, are  protected as being of value.

MN’s and Narcissists create all the other ‘disordered’ people within psychiatry’s DSM through their abuses. The plug monkeys are those quirky, chaotic little crack pots that you ‘either love or hate like Marmite’ and they proclaim ‘this is me, take me or leave me’ in their Narcissistic defensive flouncy way. Borderline Personality, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Depersonalisation, Anti Social, Psychotic, Sociopathic etc. etc.

Sociopathic – I will need to sit on this one for a while before I can commit to this group being a plug monkey.

Psychiatry and those blundering sycophantic idiots below them have effectively lumped in MN’s victims in with their abusers and turned the abusers into victims.

Whether it is one victim or millions, Malignant Narcissism weapon of choice is abuse of others for their own means. 

The reason for abuse is to destroy your good and your truth path. 

One of the quickest and easiest ways to destroy good, is to get them when they are young.

They will then go on to spread chaos and if they find themselves in the system (mental health) they will be viewed as the cause and filled with drugs to keep them ‘level’.  Filling these wretched souls with prescribed drugs just ensures that the victim is further blamed, subdued and made to distrust their ‘weak’ human qualities; leaving them at the mercy of the debase.

These poor wretched souls will, at worst live a chaotically destructive life and at best be a walking medicine cabinet with severe esteem issues and a blinkering light above their head saying ‘I’m easy fodder’.

Higher Authorities have you fooled.

Look at it this way.

What do the Higher Authorities gain from lumping in the abusers in with the victims?

Of course, I am not so naive to think that I can sweep everyone in Higher Authority with the MN brush. There are very good people in Authority who have human qualities that can make a difference.

What I am saying is, they are in the minority precisely because of their human qualities. The war isn’t a class issue nor is it a gender issue within gaining Higher Authority positions.

The war is between the inhuman MN’s and those who have human qualities. Human qualities are both a strength and weakness. The weakness is we care for others and want to help one another. The strength is we care for others and want to help one another.

Believe that we live in a Malignant Narcissist era means that one must believe that evil exists. This means that we need to temporarily suspend our human qualities in order to fully grasp this. This is quite impossible for good, kind, decent human beings and I wish for you to keep that close to your hearts and cultivate it.

What I propose is this;

Whether you believe in a God, creator, No God, Humanist, Scientologist etc. The fact is you believe – without 100% infallible proof – and generally, live your life based on this belief. I propose that we have the infallible proof required to state that opposites exist, and a balance is required should we want to avoid extinction. Perhaps, this could be viewed as a Darwinian argument – death of the less evolved – and I am merely fighting for something that has no place in this world anymore…fighting for the Panda, so to speak.

Of course, mutations will happen and they will be apprehended and used for coming generations or disregarded but my argument is that on a macro level (Universal) things are never completely extinct. They transform and move on. On a micro level, it will be viewed as extinction, finale, final curtains.

Human qualities have not ceased to be useful, they are just being plundered and corrupted by a majority and one needs to believe again in worth and potential to fulfil that worth with integral honesty.

Evil (for want of a better word, of course) is a natural state of being. Good (again, for want of a better word) is also, a natural state of being. 

Evil do not see themselves as threats, because they are non threatening to themselves. They do not see themselves as evil i.e. harmful/destructive. They are just being honest to their path.

They are following their own ‘truth path’. For our own self preservation, that of being their opposite, it is our purpose to maintain a balance and live alongside the opposite but never allow an over run of the opposite to tip the scales.

Correcting my past assertion; Evil flourishes in the absence of truth. Truth flourishes in the absence of evil. So it would make perfect sense that the battle is with the goal of flourishing.

Presently, the balance is in their favour.

So, what do I suggest that we do?

Follow their lead.

Yes, you heard me. Follow their lead.

MN’s/derivatives will never back down, will never switch off, will never compromise. They follow their path with such loyalty (the only loyalty that you will see from them) and dogged determination that we, find ourselves in the era that we do.

We need to stand firm, stand consistent, never compromise our goodness. We need to follow our own truth path with such loyalty and determination that we open up a new era of human potential. We need to take our power back.

We won’t be able to completely eradicate evil, the opposite, but by consistently denying our truth path we are allowing the opposite to over run and work towards a nothing – ness that will ultimately destroy everything, including themselves.

Just try and do something that is in line with your truth path. Cultivate your goodness and believe in yourself. Listen to your inner soul and follow it. Protect and reciprocate.

The battle may be winning for them but the war isn’t over.


Anthro-ing Them

Within my introduction I spoke about Anthropomorphising. Wikipedia defines this as being;

Anthropomorphism or personification is any attribution of human characteristics (or characteristics assumed to belong only to humans) to other animals, non-living things, phenomena, material states, objects or abstract concepts, such as organizations, governments, spirits or deities“.

This will be my first topic when speaking about Narcissism (esp. Malignant).

First of all, I feel that I must clarify what I mean whenever I speak about Narcissism, specifically, Malignant Narcissism.

It is perfectly healthy to say that we all possess Narcissism – it would be folly of you to state otherwise. Narcissism, in small and balanced doses, ensures that we survive within a world that generally takes no prisoners. Babies are born to let their care givers know, one way or another, what they want and they want it  now. They are completely reliant on their caregivers to provide them with everything they need in order to flourish and develop. Babies do not have the capacity to be their own provider nor do they have the capacity to consider that maybe one’s caregiver is needing a few more hours sleep before the next bottle or that their caregiver needs ten more minutes to finish their own meal before screaming the house down demanding to be fed.

Their needs come first, always with no consideration or awareness of others as separate beings with needs of their own. Everything and everyone is an extension of them and if they require an extension to fulfil one of their needs, then there is no compromise.

This is Narcissism in its purest and healthiest form.

Said baby is completely and utterly incapable to provide for themselves, is unaware that the world doesn’t revolve around them (quite frankly, the baby’s micro-world literally does revolve around him) and requires these requisites in order to flourish and develop into an independent, self aware and reciprocal adult. The key is that this form of Narcissism is for a limited period of time (with dregs usually tailing off completely mid twenties when all functioning parts of brain have kicked into action i.e. ‘maturity’ reserving a balanced and controlled level of Narcissism for progression and self worth) and is essential for that child’s development. 

Development. Progression. Reciprocal. Independent (edit: I mean physical, for we are all inter connected). These are the goals for a healthy growth, reverting back to a more dependent, reliant life when entering the final chapter of one’s life (but certainly not to the extent of baby requirements, full ‘one way system’ of care would be reserved for those completely debilitated   and this still doesn’t mean that their entire being is wholly Narcissistic, just that their needs require extensive one way care – I could elaborate but won’t just now).

Once a child has become aware of self and others and has cultivated the aforementioned goals, this then allows for that child to mature and further develop at a deeper level their empathy, world knowledge, understanding, integration and involvement with giving/sharing/learning/teaching. Narcissism at this point remains but in harmony with these goals and in partnership with deeper levels of being – at a minimum level for the sake of self progression. A successful journey through growth would be when all qualities are kept in balance.

A little too much empathy and you are a quivering wreck when in contact with anyone, full of self doubt, anxious, a total walking emotional time bomb who has the potential to self destruct or destroy relationships because of a lack of perspective reasoning – an overwhelmed walking emotion is no good for anyone.

A little too much reasoning and you become a robot, a complete automaton without any opportunity to savour the beauty that surrounds them through feeling it – a walking robot is not someone I would like to walk past me if I ever needed help. They just wouldn’t understand.

A little too much of anything is a bad thing, a little of anything is a bad thing – we want our porridge bowls to be filled with porridge of just the right temperature – and this takes alot of practice and alot of getting it wrong. But, the main thing is you practice, you get it wrong, you try again, you get it wrong and one day when you get it right you keep ahold of it and move on to the next challenge.

Malignant Narcissists don’t want a balance, they don’t want to practice to better themselves, they don’t want to develop. ‘Don’t want’ suggests that these individuals make a voluntary and conscious decision somewhere along the line.

Malignant Narcissists do not make a voluntary and conscious decision not to develop these human conditions because they believe that they were born superior and are way more advanced in the evolutionary eco system than the common human being – the only thing that they are pissed off about is the severely limiting body shackle they find themselves trapped in. The Malignant Narcissist believes ( read as ‘knows’ in their mind) that everything about them is one stage up (or more) in the evolutionary cycle than you. They don’t need to prove it, – they have the inside scope, of which, they think to themselves,  you will never be privy to even if you re incarnate a thousand times over – you and others like you are mere cattle to their consuming needs. Malignant Narcissists are the ultimate consumers; they consume you and have no mechanism to switch off.

Human Beings are those with ‘potential to….x, y, z’. Being a MN are those that devour that potential.

If a person grows into adulthood and does not fulfil their own potential, but is aware that they could if they wanted to, and still acts like a debase human being then this is a whole different kettle of fish from a MN. The key to discerning between a MN and a person who acts in a debase manner is the awareness of potential and a complete disregard of it. 

This kind of person, I will call the plug monkeys, will end their lives abruptly or live on in a wretched kind of existence where nothing is of value and people/things only exist for their next gratuitous need. Prison, destructive relationships, mind numbingly tedious work lives, basic pleasantries, violence, addictions, sexual promiscuities ad hom into etc. etc. – one extreme to the next….it doesn’t matter. The key is, when this person is bouncing from one thing to the next in their own personal chaos of choice, they know that there is something seriously wrong and it is up to them, and them alone, to figure out how to fix it so as to live within their full potential. Laziness of mind, body and soul or an unfortunate life path and an inability to figure out what is wrong means these plug monkeys carry on repeating the same thing over and over with the hope that one day ‘someone or something’ will intervene and save them by telling them what they need to do or what it is that needs fixed or even handing everything over to them on a plate without ever needing to self analyse (lottery anyone?).

However, these people aren’t Malignant Narcissists. They may, by their very actions and by your research, dictate that logically one must assign this label to them. But, one must really look to responsibility and if they, when presented with the tools/understanding/awareness, make a concerted effort – no matter how small – to change towards bettering themselves more in line with their potential….or choose not to.

Malignant Narcissists; there is no potential, there never has been and to even suggest that they possess it – a potential to improve what they already are – could result in severe trouble for you.

MN’s may try and hide this ‘higher being’ thought process from you by saying that they could definitely do things better next time, or they shouldn’t have done x, y, z and ‘Oh, I’ve been a terrible person.’

This, I call chameleon deception, will be discussed in another post.

The main point of this post is that the main reason why MN’s get away with so much is because we Anthropomorphise. We, as fully sentient and imperfect beings, project our own humanity onto these creatures because we are limited with our empathy – limited within a human rationale. Our experiential standpoint is, and always will be within this lifetime, from a human perspective. Our projections of our humanity allows us to maintain the illusion that each and every single one of us has the capacity and potential to be human.

We can not, for obvious reasons, fully understand that there are other ways of being – sure, we try but its clear for all to see that we apply human qualities on to non-human beings. This is not a failing, just a natural limitation that we, the humans, have. Because evil (inc. acts of) can be so debilitating to our psyche, then we try (queue pop psychology and its hippy parade) and either a./ make it as comical as possible (oooh the bogey man’s coming to get ya!) and/or b./ make it a by-product of x, y, z (thus placing full responsibility onto the victim/good person to ‘understand’ and ‘let it go’).

We have all been so conditioned to think of evil as a derivative, rather than a cause that should anyone utter the words “X is evil.” out loud then I ask you to listen to the gasps, tuts, steps backwards and thoughts that only “bad” people can think another person is evil.

Its just not logical and it further reminds me just how embedded Higher Authorities MN’s have programmed compliance and self regulation to keep everyone in fodder mode.

We project, Anthropomorphise, to understand and to uphold us as the superior race.

Stop doing this. You are not dealing with a cute puppy in a cowboy hat, friendly alien from Zog, goldfish called Larry, or a roadrunner – you are dealing with people who not only do not have human qualities, but are aware that they exist, can replicate them and use them to manipulate you into showing them your fleshy under belly for a right good feed.  They possess their own ‘language’. I will explain later.

They project, Anti-thropomorphise, to survive.  That is, they ricochet back your opposite of who really are.

Evil is, in and of itself, the pure opposite of truth. Evil (acts) flourish when truth is absent.

Truth flourishes when evil is absent.

Therefore, both are fully dependant on one another to survive.

Neither one can be eradicated without the destruction of both. Nothing-ness. Which means, its a balance that we are looking for.

Let me know what you think about this.

The Subconscious Understanding

I think it is important to include this personal dream that I had because it clearly shows just how wise and knowing one’s subconscious is, regardless of how skewed you have been made by the MN’s in your life.

There is always a part of you, deep within and protected, thatalways knows exactly what is going on and tries in various ways to educate you and save/help/lead you away from harm and, ultimately, back onto your truth path. Your subconscious (or soul, as that is what I subscribe to) is your little slice of omniscience and your ultimate truth. It doesn’t matter how treacherous the MN’s are in your life, there is one piece of glory pocket truth that they will never be able to destroy and that is hidden for only your viewing. It doesn’t matter how much brainwashing they do, how severely they beat you, how far down the asylum path they send you – they will never ever be able to touch that part of you and twist it. It is immutable and impenetrable.

This part of you is their enemy. If they could create a machine to rip that part out of you on birth/on meeting etc. then believe me, you would soon find many people out there with a tell tale scar in the same place.

Before I go any further I think I should extend my hand to everyone, regardless of their belief system and whether they follow pure logic or live their life by their emotions or whichever way as we are all individuals. I do not want to alienate anyone just because I subscribe to the term ‘soul’ (or any other term that you may not agree with in the future) nor do I want to alienate or prevent any serious contemplation from you because I write creatively. When writing, I will try and include all the terms that people may recognise and should I miss one, then please let me know.

I write visually. That is, I write using pictures as my guide. I tried to study the logic path academically and failed, not without trying and to the eternal gratitude of my patient and kind tutor who slyly gave me that extra half a mark so that I could continue with my studies as he saw just how hard I worked to grasp it. I will not be able to do pure logic justice otherwise I would certainly use it here after my own comfort zone of visual.

I hope this does not deter the more logic brains amongst us from reading as I really believe that together we can work towards a language that touches each and every one of us, regardless of communication hurdles and belief systems – that of truth and love.

Its important that, when discussing MN, we the truth seekers do not have any hurdles between us other than what they put up. Patience and openness will eventually allow the truth and love to run through each and every one of us, that is something so universal that even if I never know Urdu in this lifetime, we will all connect indirectly soon.

To continue;

Your subconscious is MN’s nemesis. Some people are so wholly destroyed by MN’s that  no, the subconscious will not ‘turn’ but the battle to shut it up will become so fierce within you that you will a. destroy others and/or b. destroy yourself. Ultimately, destruction will happen and truth will be lost within that lifetime.

This is the next best thing to a MN and they are willing to accept this in light of never having that subconscious ripping machine.

My dream was quite a number of years ago and I had holed myself up in the middle of nowhere because I didn’t trust myself to be involved in life and people. In hindsight, I now know that the MN’s in my life had succeeded, in most part, to making me completely and utterly believe that I was the evil one and that the best place for me was to be in the middle of nowhere, isolated from everyone except them. They were my only outlet for the world, except for my computer. I, at this point, was self regulating my own destruction but should anyone get too close to me regardless of my desperate need to show them how ‘damaged’ and ‘evil’ I was then the MN’s in my life would close in and turn me against them. No matter how closed off I had become, there always seemed to be at least one person who still managed to get to me and felt drawn to help me.

Of course, I was truly programmed and listened to the MN’s over anyone. The people who reached out didn’t know why they felt so drawn to me and most of the stuff we discussed seemed random but the threads  were there nonetheless and these little things eventually added up to where I am now.  They would soon be scared off, one way or another, and I would be given further evidence that I was harbouring the devil deep within.

Back to the dream; I dreamt that I was in this house surrounded by turbulent seas and looking out of the window, there were many ships rocking over the huge crashing waves seen only because of the violent lightening. This lightening was also the only light by which I could see within the house. As I looked down the hall, a woman rose from the floorboards and stared at me with an overwhelming sense that she wanted me dead. I looked behind me and up the stairs there was a terrified little girl, about 8 or 9 standing at the top of the stairs. I looked back at the woman and she was looking up at the girl – I knew then that she wanted to kill that girl but I was in the way. I screamed at the girl to run and hide, that she was coming!

Inbetween the lightening it was pitch black and with each lightening strike her form had moved closer to me. These faceless figures rose up from the ground and blocked her from getting closer to me – they looked like they were trying to protect me – but with each one she whispered something in their ears and the faceless figures would evaporate in a puff of smoke. She launched herself on top of me, smiling and strangling me I started to feel weak, thinking I was going to die and the girl would see her end too. I looked over to the right and there was an old man (about 60) with long grey hair just leaning against the hall wall. He didn’t say a word, just threw a baby’s rattle at me.

I grabbed the white rattle and felt full of strength again. I flipped the woman so I was on top of her and started to shake this rattle over her, she screamed as this white powder fell over her. Her screams filled the room and shrivelled up and disappeared.

I woke up with a start, knowing this dream was important to understand but having no clue on what it was meant to mean until I was gifted many years later with hindsight and a clear (ish…as clear as you can get when everyone connected to your past has been ousted from your life or remained enmeshed with the MN’s) understanding of my past.

Many years later, with many events in between that led me to the crucial point, I fell pregnant.

I was pregnant and still enmeshed in the delusion that my MN’s were good, kind people (especially one in particular – I actually have a diary entry that proclaims that this one is a fallen angel and not of this world, that I couldn’t wait for my unborn child to meet her as she was glorious in her kindness and love…in my 30’s I still believed this) and it was me who would be my child’s worst enemy unless I worked really hard to fight for the good in me, no matter how little there was. I wanted my child to not be affected by my evil.

I won’t go into what happened in my life to lead up to me being pregnant nor will I discuss my pregnancy within this entry – but I will eventually – the main thing was, I was pregnant (I didn’t think I could have children) and I thought I was evil. I loved this unborn baby and I knew I would do whatever it took to make sure that he had the very best of me. I was willing to fight any hell in order to give that to him.

My birth was quite a bizarre event. My child’s birth was bizarre. When I say, ‘my birth’, I say it purposely for that is precisely what happened. My child came with such urgency and my moans were so animalistic – gutteral and deep – the pain so absolute, that no part of my entire being was left untouched. It filled me and I became just that – a birth. I ceased to be me, I was just absolute birth.

Something cataclysmic shifted within me. It was like a computer restart. I sat up and took in my surroundings.

The only person with me was my partner. He left the room to get a drink and my mother entered – we, I, had never asked for her.

Overtime, you will see that I always knew the truth even though my brain and body rejected it. For now, we will concentrate on the soul via this dream.

She entered and I didn’t look at her. I told her she should go home. I had no idea why I did but I listened to myself and acknowledged that when she entered, my entire body stiffened up and coldness entered. I was rejecting my mother and finally I was listening and trusting my reaction.

Its like she expected this, nodded and left.

I was taken to my bed with my new baby and during the little closed eyes I had, hundreds of snippets of my past raced past my vision in lightening speed form. My eyes shot open and my mouth formed these 3 words that has stayed with me.

“It was HER.”

All these years, I had been blaming my father for the horrendous things in my youth that I believed made me a horrible person in adulthood and made it impossible for anyone to love me.

I now knew, after my child’s birth that she was the one behind it. She was behind everything and she had got away with so much more than even I understood at that time. Her web filled everywhere and touched everything and she knew no limits with her malignancy. It ran because of her innate belief that she was a higher being and had a perfection about her that could not be exposed as imperfection, which meant others had to be taken out should they expose this.

Unfortunately for me, I was a target as soon as I was born. I didn’t stand a chance.

That night it suddenly dawned on me that while my dad was a narcissist, he was essentially a garden variety one with child abuse issues of his own and a inner composite of cowardice and a huge overblown ego to compensate – he was a victim to my mum just as much as me. He must be held accountable for his child neglect and I won’t forgive him for not protecting his children. He is severely mentally ill now, a mixed up person whose only obsession is his wife.

He will die a lost soul, but its not my purpose in life to save him. I tried that many times growing up and he threw me under the bus many times. I’m not his saviour but now I do understand.

It was my mother who has been the puppet master all along. How enraged I was that she had pulled the wool over my eyes all of these years. Looking back now (daily I have flashbacks that reveal new things) I can see things that clearly point to her being an evil person but it was like I was brainwashed. Having my son really did re start my computer and eject the spyware and virus’s that had invaded my system. How weird.

Suffice to say, she knew that I knew and apart from a few weird things after I gave birth – which I will speak about another time – she has disappeared from my life and attached herself onto my two other siblings with such fierce enmeshment.

Looking back at that dream now I can see that my soul was telling me that the person who wanted me dead would be destroyed herself by me having a baby.

I am no dream analyst, so I couldn’t really tell you about the little girl/lightening/sea/old man/white powder etc. I can see for myself that I was protecting the little girl (my child is a boy so no, that’s not it) and she had to kill me in order to get to the girl. I can also see that the many faceless figures, that appeared out of nowhere, were the many people who tried to (unknowingly) protect me from her but her silver tongue got rid of them just as quickly as they showed up. I can also see that the house is representative of my consciousness (?).

Anyway, while all very interesting and up for debate, the main thing is to show you in one small example that your soul always harbours your truth and will always try and look after you for you to follow your truth path.

I look back at that dream all those years ago and I am in awe of how very wise my inner being was. My soul/subconscious understood what it would take for me to overcome the real enemy even though;

a. I didn’t think I could have children and had given up all hope of being able to have children (physically and accepted this as a cruel but much needed turn of events considering how chaotic my life was)
b. I had been directing all of my resentment and anger towards the wrong person/people, while the real person was roaming free through my life and actually being physically/mentally and emotionally protected by me to my physical/emotional/spiritual/mental/inter-relational detriment
c. I was not aware that there were other people indirectly/directly protecting me from her over the course of my life and each time with their brief appearances and sudden disappearances, had inadvertently given me “breathing space” to gather some more time necessary for me to get to the point where my eyes open
d. That if I didn’t have a child, then I would most likely be dead by her hands

I would like to know who that old man was. Nevermind the fact that it borders on the Native American idea of Spirit Guides, I have never seen him before in my life yet he felt familiar. Not physically familiar (in the real world or dreamed about him before) but a familiarity nonetheless. He didn’t utter a single word, nor offer any sort of body language that would suggest he recognised me but he appeared quite casually leaning against the wall, threw the key to overthrowing this evil killing manipulator and then vanished. It was like he knew when to appear just when I was near to death.

Wait, I may not have seen him before but yes, I remember that familiarity…he’s intervened before.  Is he my mother’s opposite? I wonder who he is.

Anyway, that story and many more will follow. But remember, while everything seems dark and malicious and you feel yourself drifting deeper down, down, down while those MN’s around you seem to float around without a care in the world, try and go somewhere quiet and still (preferably within nature or away from human contact) – listen to the little voice, your light and your truth. Write it all down and keep on fighting for your right to be here. Eventually, everything will come together and you will see from your writings that your subconscious knew all along.

You are not sick. Believe in yourself. The problem is, you stay around the MN’s in your life and the world will believe you are sick.

You are a fundamental good. MN’s are a fundamental opposite.

Like a parasite, they need you to stay alive and flourish. Like a host, all you need to flourish is to be parasite free.

Good luck.

Narcissism – No Frills Intro

Look, am not a doctor. I’m most certainly not a psychologist. I will never, ever pretend to be someone that has come away from my life experience untainted. I know I am damaged, and with every waking day I strive to accept this and adapt in order to make my life less damaged.


I know it makes you feel better when you do, but believe me, they are morphing you into something too….baitmeat.

This may sound like a random thing to say but believe me, the more you read the more you will come to understand that it wasn’t you who made you crazy, it was the Malignant Narcissists in your life that did.

Why? Because you had something they envied. Goodness.

I’m a 34 year old mother and devoted to my new family. I will never return to that. It had such a strong hold on me that I spent my life believing that I was the problem. That there was something seriously, fundamentally wrong with me – that I was innately evil and damaged.

I am damaged. I wasn’t born this way. I became this way. I have finally been freed and now I am working on  damage limitation and progression along the path that was hidden by them. I used to make choices based on the information that I had – you can imagine the choices I made when the only information I had was that I was the devil incarnate.

I was a scapegoat, played right into their hands by becoming a self fulfilling prophecy but now I am here to not only make amends to the people I have hurt along the way but to also share my experiences and understanding for others to maybe read it and have their own awakening moment.

This is my blog. I will reach out and expand my experience over time, you are free to do the same. Together we will draw strength and it is my hope that this strength will infect others to feel strong enough to believe in their own goodness and worth.

The antidote for evil is belief in your goodness and breaking the cycle. They isolated you, tried to destroy you in order to stop you from being good and carry on the cycle through generations and relationships. I say, empower and validate one another…by being human you will conquer.

I will elaborate later what this means but for now know that this shack is open for business and I do mean business.

Welcome to the place where duracell bunnies can energise and leave with a good fighting spirit.