The Subconscious Understanding
I think it is important to include this personal dream that I had because it clearly shows just how wise and knowing one’s subconscious is, regardless of how skewed you have been made by the MN’s in your life.
There is always a part of you, deep within and protected, thatalways knows exactly what is going on and tries in various ways to educate you and save/help/lead you away from harm and, ultimately, back onto your truth path. Your subconscious (or soul, as that is what I subscribe to) is your little slice of omniscience and your ultimate truth. It doesn’t matter how treacherous the MN’s are in your life, there is one piece of glory pocket truth that they will never be able to destroy and that is hidden for only your viewing. It doesn’t matter how much brainwashing they do, how severely they beat you, how far down the asylum path they send you – they will never ever be able to touch that part of you and twist it. It is immutable and impenetrable.
This part of you is their enemy. If they could create a machine to rip that part out of you on birth/on meeting etc. then believe me, you would soon find many people out there with a tell tale scar in the same place.
Before I go any further I think I should extend my hand to everyone, regardless of their belief system and whether they follow pure logic or live their life by their emotions or whichever way as we are all individuals. I do not want to alienate anyone just because I subscribe to the term ‘soul’ (or any other term that you may not agree with in the future) nor do I want to alienate or prevent any serious contemplation from you because I write creatively. When writing, I will try and include all the terms that people may recognise and should I miss one, then please let me know.
I write visually. That is, I write using pictures as my guide. I tried to study the logic path academically and failed, not without trying and to the eternal gratitude of my patient and kind tutor who slyly gave me that extra half a mark so that I could continue with my studies as he saw just how hard I worked to grasp it. I will not be able to do pure logic justice otherwise I would certainly use it here after my own comfort zone of visual.
I hope this does not deter the more logic brains amongst us from reading as I really believe that together we can work towards a language that touches each and every one of us, regardless of communication hurdles and belief systems – that of truth and love.
Its important that, when discussing MN, we the truth seekers do not have any hurdles between us other than what they put up. Patience and openness will eventually allow the truth and love to run through each and every one of us, that is something so universal that even if I never know Urdu in this lifetime, we will all connect indirectly soon.
Your subconscious is MN’s nemesis. Some people are so wholly destroyed by MN’s that no, the subconscious will not ‘turn’ but the battle to shut it up will become so fierce within you that you will a. destroy others and/or b. destroy yourself. Ultimately, destruction will happen and truth will be lost within that lifetime.
This is the next best thing to a MN and they are willing to accept this in light of never having that subconscious ripping machine.
My dream was quite a number of years ago and I had holed myself up in the middle of nowhere because I didn’t trust myself to be involved in life and people. In hindsight, I now know that the MN’s in my life had succeeded, in most part, to making me completely and utterly believe that I was the evil one and that the best place for me was to be in the middle of nowhere, isolated from everyone except them. They were my only outlet for the world, except for my computer. I, at this point, was self regulating my own destruction but should anyone get too close to me regardless of my desperate need to show them how ‘damaged’ and ‘evil’ I was then the MN’s in my life would close in and turn me against them. No matter how closed off I had become, there always seemed to be at least one person who still managed to get to me and felt drawn to help me.
Of course, I was truly programmed and listened to the MN’s over anyone. The people who reached out didn’t know why they felt so drawn to me and most of the stuff we discussed seemed random but the threads were there nonetheless and these little things eventually added up to where I am now. They would soon be scared off, one way or another, and I would be given further evidence that I was harbouring the devil deep within.
Back to the dream; I dreamt that I was in this house surrounded by turbulent seas and looking out of the window, there were many ships rocking over the huge crashing waves seen only because of the violent lightening. This lightening was also the only light by which I could see within the house. As I looked down the hall, a woman rose from the floorboards and stared at me with an overwhelming sense that she wanted me dead. I looked behind me and up the stairs there was a terrified little girl, about 8 or 9 standing at the top of the stairs. I looked back at the woman and she was looking up at the girl – I knew then that she wanted to kill that girl but I was in the way. I screamed at the girl to run and hide, that she was coming!
Inbetween the lightening it was pitch black and with each lightening strike her form had moved closer to me. These faceless figures rose up from the ground and blocked her from getting closer to me – they looked like they were trying to protect me – but with each one she whispered something in their ears and the faceless figures would evaporate in a puff of smoke. She launched herself on top of me, smiling and strangling me I started to feel weak, thinking I was going to die and the girl would see her end too. I looked over to the right and there was an old man (about 60) with long grey hair just leaning against the hall wall. He didn’t say a word, just threw a baby’s rattle at me.
I grabbed the white rattle and felt full of strength again. I flipped the woman so I was on top of her and started to shake this rattle over her, she screamed as this white powder fell over her. Her screams filled the room and shrivelled up and disappeared.
I woke up with a start, knowing this dream was important to understand but having no clue on what it was meant to mean until I was gifted many years later with hindsight and a clear (ish…as clear as you can get when everyone connected to your past has been ousted from your life or remained enmeshed with the MN’s) understanding of my past.
Many years later, with many events in between that led me to the crucial point, I fell pregnant.
I was pregnant and still enmeshed in the delusion that my MN’s were good, kind people (especially one in particular – I actually have a diary entry that proclaims that this one is a fallen angel and not of this world, that I couldn’t wait for my unborn child to meet her as she was glorious in her kindness and love…in my 30’s I still believed this) and it was me who would be my child’s worst enemy unless I worked really hard to fight for the good in me, no matter how little there was. I wanted my child to not be affected by my evil.
I won’t go into what happened in my life to lead up to me being pregnant nor will I discuss my pregnancy within this entry – but I will eventually – the main thing was, I was pregnant (I didn’t think I could have children) and I thought I was evil. I loved this unborn baby and I knew I would do whatever it took to make sure that he had the very best of me. I was willing to fight any hell in order to give that to him.
My birth was quite a bizarre event. My child’s birth was bizarre. When I say, ‘my birth’, I say it purposely for that is precisely what happened. My child came with such urgency and my moans were so animalistic – gutteral and deep – the pain so absolute, that no part of my entire being was left untouched. It filled me and I became just that – a birth. I ceased to be me, I was just absolute birth.
Something cataclysmic shifted within me. It was like a computer restart. I sat up and took in my surroundings.
The only person with me was my partner. He left the room to get a drink and my mother entered – we, I, had never asked for her.
Overtime, you will see that I always knew the truth even though my brain and body rejected it. For now, we will concentrate on the soul via this dream.
She entered and I didn’t look at her. I told her she should go home. I had no idea why I did but I listened to myself and acknowledged that when she entered, my entire body stiffened up and coldness entered. I was rejecting my mother and finally I was listening and trusting my reaction.
Its like she expected this, nodded and left.
I was taken to my bed with my new baby and during the little closed eyes I had, hundreds of snippets of my past raced past my vision in lightening speed form. My eyes shot open and my mouth formed these 3 words that has stayed with me.
“It was HER.”
All these years, I had been blaming my father for the horrendous things in my youth that I believed made me a horrible person in adulthood and made it impossible for anyone to love me.
I now knew, after my child’s birth that she was the one behind it. She was behind everything and she had got away with so much more than even I understood at that time. Her web filled everywhere and touched everything and she knew no limits with her malignancy. It ran because of her innate belief that she was a higher being and had a perfection about her that could not be exposed as imperfection, which meant others had to be taken out should they expose this.
Unfortunately for me, I was a target as soon as I was born. I didn’t stand a chance.
That night it suddenly dawned on me that while my dad was a narcissist, he was essentially a garden variety one with child abuse issues of his own and a inner composite of cowardice and a huge overblown ego to compensate – he was a victim to my mum just as much as me. He must be held accountable for his child neglect and I won’t forgive him for not protecting his children. He is severely mentally ill now, a mixed up person whose only obsession is his wife.
He will die a lost soul, but its not my purpose in life to save him. I tried that many times growing up and he threw me under the bus many times. I’m not his saviour but now I do understand.
It was my mother who has been the puppet master all along. How enraged I was that she had pulled the wool over my eyes all of these years. Looking back now (daily I have flashbacks that reveal new things) I can see things that clearly point to her being an evil person but it was like I was brainwashed. Having my son really did re start my computer and eject the spyware and virus’s that had invaded my system. How weird.
Suffice to say, she knew that I knew and apart from a few weird things after I gave birth – which I will speak about another time – she has disappeared from my life and attached herself onto my two other siblings with such fierce enmeshment.
Looking back at that dream now I can see that my soul was telling me that the person who wanted me dead would be destroyed herself by me having a baby.
I am no dream analyst, so I couldn’t really tell you about the little girl/lightening/sea/old man/white powder etc. I can see for myself that I was protecting the little girl (my child is a boy so no, that’s not it) and she had to kill me in order to get to the girl. I can also see that the many faceless figures, that appeared out of nowhere, were the many people who tried to (unknowingly) protect me from her but her silver tongue got rid of them just as quickly as they showed up. I can also see that the house is representative of my consciousness (?).
Anyway, while all very interesting and up for debate, the main thing is to show you in one small example that your soul always harbours your truth and will always try and look after you for you to follow your truth path.
I look back at that dream all those years ago and I am in awe of how very wise my inner being was. My soul/subconscious understood what it would take for me to overcome the real enemy even though;
a. I didn’t think I could have children and had given up all hope of being able to have children (physically and accepted this as a cruel but much needed turn of events considering how chaotic my life was)
b. I had been directing all of my resentment and anger towards the wrong person/people, while the real person was roaming free through my life and actually being physically/mentally and emotionally protected by me to my physical/emotional/spiritual/mental/inter-relational detriment
c. I was not aware that there were other people indirectly/directly protecting me from her over the course of my life and each time with their brief appearances and sudden disappearances, had inadvertently given me “breathing space” to gather some more time necessary for me to get to the point where my eyes open
d. That if I didn’t have a child, then I would most likely be dead by her hands
I would like to know who that old man was. Nevermind the fact that it borders on the Native American idea of Spirit Guides, I have never seen him before in my life yet he felt familiar. Not physically familiar (in the real world or dreamed about him before) but a familiarity nonetheless. He didn’t utter a single word, nor offer any sort of body language that would suggest he recognised me but he appeared quite casually leaning against the wall, threw the key to overthrowing this evil killing manipulator and then vanished. It was like he knew when to appear just when I was near to death.
Wait, I may not have seen him before but yes, I remember that familiarity…he’s intervened before. Is he my mother’s opposite? I wonder who he is.
Anyway, that story and many more will follow. But remember, while everything seems dark and malicious and you feel yourself drifting deeper down, down, down while those MN’s around you seem to float around without a care in the world, try and go somewhere quiet and still (preferably within nature or away from human contact) – listen to the little voice, your light and your truth. Write it all down and keep on fighting for your right to be here. Eventually, everything will come together and you will see from your writings that your subconscious knew all along.
You are not sick. Believe in yourself. The problem is, you stay around the MN’s in your life and the world will believe you are sick.
You are a fundamental good. MN’s are a fundamental opposite.
Like a parasite, they need you to stay alive and flourish. Like a host, all you need to flourish is to be parasite free.