Who Is On Your Side
I have discussed that the Malignant Narcissist is born that way; is your truth path’s polar opposite and will usually hold positions of Authority in order to block you from obtaining your true potential – your human potential, your truth path.
I touched on what Position of Authority covered and that parents who were MN’s or its derivatives were always the first point of contact for conditioning children into becoming adult cattle for the ultimate consumers.
The MN can not be changed, can not be cured and I have stated that these creatures must be taken with more seriousness than has been applied to them before. I have stated that while there may be good people in Authority, they are unfortunately in the minority (at this moment in time) and sometimes under estimate their enemy (through naivete or human arrogance) or are left in isolation to stand up and battle against them for what is right, true and just.
I have also stated that the MN and Narcissists actively seeks out pre damaged/primed people (damaged by Narcissists before them or by a MN directly…even by a character disordered although this is quite rare) and hone the shard in their heart for them to become fully fledged Narcissistic foot soldiers, who go on to damage others (never themselves) or remain Character Disordered with Narcissistic defensive characteristics (while still damaging others but more so themselves) .
I feel that once these primed people reach a critical crossroad and consciously deny their truth path, following the MN down the craggy road, they will be incurable – they will in fact, worsen as they get older and their Narcissistic corruption will find a facet to flourish in; religion, psychology, medicine, family life, politics, teaching etc. There is no cure for the foot soldier.
Furthermore, I have stated that “Character Disorders” within the Psychiatry Manual are those poor souls who may have Narcissistic defensive qualities but are by products of being harmed in their formative years by the foot soldiers and MN’s. They are just like the Narcissist foot soldier with the only difference being that they do not fully believe the hype. In that, they haven’t fully denied their truth and they do have some sort of limit/morality/boundaries/self law with a small window of opportunity to return to their truth path at certain times in their life, of which they can choose to ignore or acknowledge. The Disordered, until they have chosen to follow their truth path, will have a constant battle within.
They are lumped in with their abusers, which further weakens their fight to get back on to their truth path because they are forced to empathise/understand their abusers and align themselves to their abusers like they are one and the same. They generally give up and believe that they are just as bad, living a chaotic life harming themselves and others.
The lucky ones who manage to find their way back onto their truth path face a lifetime battle of re-programming the conditioning and starting a new life from scratch, away from everything they have ever known and with very little past gravitas to aid them in a new beginning – they find themselves wishing to start again but at the mercy of other people to give them a chance at building a new future and contending with conditioning fleas…they need people to believe that they have changed their spots while actually changing their spots. They have conscious choice throughout their existence and will have the capacity, just maybe not the courage nor full awareness, to change and follow their truth path.
My main assertion that MN, Narcissism and Character Disorder with Narcissistic Defensive characteristics are fully separate entities and may well be related but not in the way the psychiatry manual categorises them. MN is the top dog, is in and of itself evil and creates destruction – it spreads disease of the soul and it is the soul that is their enemy. The soul is part of a higher community, is interrelated with everything and needs to be connected for progression sake…it is a crucial strand within the thread of the overall being…Universal Being.
MN should be never be underestimated. Narcissism is the working ant, incurable after a certain crucial point (usually late thirties to forties) and fully dependant on instruction from the MN (in its many forms). Character Disorders; treatable if willing, while in the hands of a human Authority otherwise they will live their lives as the underdog lacky of the Narcissist and MN respectively (in all of its forms).
To become a viable member of human society takes courage but it also takes luck.
Now what I want to discuss is who is on truths side.
I remember just after I had my child. It was the toughest 6 months I have ever had to deal with in my wretched, debased plug monkeys life not because I had a baby (that was the easiest part) but because I had to deal with a family who’s masks had been taken off and all of their disgusting glory was revealed to me in such a manner that I had to admit that my entire life was a lie and they had nearly managed to kill me in order to preserve their fantasy. During that time, I had to make sure that my son was protected which meant I had to stand by my truth and face the aftermath alone.
This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but it was also the easiest. It was easy because I love my child with all of my heart, mind and soul. Every single fibre of my being radiates love for my child and there is nothing in this world or the next, nor is there anything scary enough for me to not protect him from harm. I will protect his truth path and potential with everything I have.
It was hard because I didn’t have to protect my son from opportunistic strangers but from my own family. From the woman who gave birth to me, from the father who drilled into our heads growing up that my mother was as maternal as Mary Herself. From the brother who I had brought up and been his life long cheerleader and from external family members who tried to reach out via my father.
It was me against everybody. Suffice to say, I have won but I can still feel them clicking at my heels. You don’t go through living in hell without building up into being one hell of a warrior. They effectively toughened me up all of those years and created someone bigger, tougher and smarter than all of them combined.
While I was still a bit confused, still trying to deny reality and not fully clicked on to what extent the role my mother played in my past, I let my mother visit. My instincts told me something was wrong with each visit and my soul spoke to her many times through my lips with warnings that I didn’t understand (in hindsight now I see clearly) but she understood.
I also told her that I could smell a rat and if she didn’t tell me the truth and I found out she had been lying (lying about what, you ask? Well, consciously I had no idea – this again seemed to be instinctual) then I would be left with no other choice but to stop her from being in my life.
She swore black and blue that there was nothing going on, that my mind was playing tricks – hinting that maybe my mental illness was showing up again – that my father had his reasons for disowning me 3 days after I had given birth, that, that, that, that….and on and on.
My partner said tonight after yet another family happening (that just happened to bring me into it even though I have been no contact with my family of origin for nearly a year) reached our ears that he has never met a group of people so sly and cunning …so comfortable with lies. Its farcical and quite pathetic watching how they worm about, writhing and rolling with a silver tongue, from the outside looking in. I can almost understand why people (who live in healthy environments) see it as so comical, almost. But, having lived in it to the point where had it not been for some unknown force (of which, I am eternally grateful) I would have been 6 feet under by now with these teflon maniacs standing above still kicking me when I was down, down, down…..well, all I can say is it wasn’t all that funny.
It sickens me just how manipulative she was and how willing she was to jeopardise her first grandchild’s safety by trying to trigger another mental attack within me. They both tried. They both failed.
You know, I battle everyday between wanting to write about my personal experiences in order to justify my posts and keeping it general in order to justify my overall perspective on individual truth within a dark time.
What is truth in regards to Narcissism, in regards to MN?
Truth is harsh, brutal, cutting, upsetting, rejection. But it can also be respectful, loving, kind, caring, compassionate and supportive.
Malignant Narcissism and its derivatives is the former but never the latter.
I will cover some of the signs to watch out for when you feel like you are going mad in another post.
Today I want to show you who is on truths side…who is on your side.
Back to my story;
One of the very last times I spoke to my mother – I had given birth and she had stabbed me in the back surrounding a business opportunity that she took for herself and left my new family in poverty. She went back to my father for his money and his servitude, after she walked out on him a few years back (following half of my lifetime listening to her all night cries about how abusive he was and how she needed me to protect her and fight my dad for her because she wasn’t strong enough…fights which usually turned physical, while she sat there and watched) relying on me to keep her in my home, setting her up in a new home and finding her a job while openly admitting that she let my father believe that I made her leave him. During those years she still let my father stay at her place, got him to sell the family home and move to another house with promises that she would move back, told him she wanted to go on ‘dates’ with him as she always “loved the theatre” (another fantasy), took my unemployment money (I had just gone through a very traumatic redundancy and couldn’t find another job) that I offered when I believed that she was in poverty (looking back now, she earned more than my partner earns and he supports both myself, son, dog and home) because she said bills were high and my father refused to give her money – telling her (apparently) that if he gives her money she won’t come back to him. I also believe that she was privy to an affair or two and all of her spare money was going on vodka, secretly.
She stood up for my father when he disowned me after giving birth when I refused to let his family of origin come near my new family and with each visit, she would look at my child like he was the most disgusting, vile thing she had ever seen (if you have seen Roald Dahl’s Witches film and how the witches act whenever they see children, then you will be able to imagine how my mother was around my child…I even have photographic evidence of such), even after all of the memories that came flooding back surrounding her secret abuse of me…I still sat there outside my house with her while she cried saying that she is a “terrible mother”.
I put my arm around her and told her, once again, that she wasn’t…that her children turned out ok and sure, times have been hard but we have come out of it ok. I told her that she needed to stop living in her fantasy world as it was dangerous to her and she should just do what I do – work with the cards she was dealt with in her life, because no one is entitled to having it all and it was impossible for ‘everyone to get along’ (in response to her crying that that was all she has wanted).
She sat there will I acted like the parent trying to explain to a 4 year old why some of the kids just didn’t want to play with her. Her lip was out, my arm was around her while I tried to soothe her back into being ok… it sickens me just thinking about how manipulative and calculating she was. It is also ironic that I was telling her that her fantasy world was dangerous considering how enmeshed I was in the delusion that our family was ok.
This outburst was of course my mothers last line of smoking mirrors defense whenever I got too close to discovering the truth about her. And like a sucker, I fell for it every time, soothing her, helping her back on her pedestal relieving her from apologising for anything she has done wrong to me or within a certain situation and completely casting my feelings to one side because “Oh your so strong, I wish I was as strong as you but am not! I just want everyone to get along! I’m a terrible mother!” …because how can you say that you’ve been hurt by a woman who feigns admiration for your strength in the face of adversity, strength that she only wishes she had otherwise her family would have been different…strength that she had (of course she had no other choice! She’s so fragile! She’s the Virgin Mary reincarnate, don’t you know) to hide behind once I became physically stronger than her (roughly about 15/16 years old) because there just wasn’t any other way for that poor, defenceless creature to survive and be allowed to love her children the way she was ordained to. It was my duty to protect her from all of the savages, so she could bless us all with her heavenly glory.
What a crock of shit, but I kept falling for it. She pushed my ego button, she pushed my loyalty button, she pushed my conditioned buttons to the hilt. And after all of the above blatant rail roading she had did (and had also allowed) within a matter of weeks of my son’s arrival, I still fell for it.
“Oh your just like your father.” She cried while I held her. I took immediate offence to that, saying that I was nothing like him – that I may be his daughter but we were completely different. She immediately stuttered and said;
“I mean, your just like him in the way that you use big words that I don’t understand. If I could just understand some of the big words you and your father use then maybe, just maybe I would be able to defend myself.”
Once more, ego.push.button.fell.for.
I said to her that she had so many people protecting her, so many people were on my father’s side and who was on my side. Who had my back? Who stood by me? That I was fighting this battle for what is right, good and just by myself. They had their army, but where was my army?
Her reply was, “You have lots of people by you, you have an army.” (insert, just not her which is what my head said in completion to her statement).
“Mum, your a smart woman and a brilliant mother. Please don’t cry.”
She immediately stood up, wiped away her tears and ta da! She was perfectly fine once more. Bye! And off she popped, with a little skip to her step.
Her cornering of being held accountable was once again, averted. I was left sitting with my child in a head spin, not sure what had happened but still smelled that rat.
I believe this was the third last time I saw my mother. The point is, I knew I smelled a rat and I knew what I had to do in order to protect my son. I also knew that I was fighting for a good, honest and just life for my child and new family. I was standing up for my own value as being good. The problem was I was still walking blind. It was like a lost word, a tip of the tongue moment…you know its there but you just can’t grasp it, so you wait and it appears.
It appeared for me; daily. Flashbacks from my past – Bang! Bang! Bang! In and out, they just kept coming. It’s said that your mind blocks stuff to protect you and then reveals things when you are strong enough to deal with them. The mind is a glorious instrument, it knows your limits. Obviously, I must have been gaining strength because these memories were coming thick and fast but I had nowhere to ‘put’ them. Only a few of the flashbacks contained my dad, the rest were all my mother. I was in shock as I moved into the memory from a new perspective, an educated perspective, a maternal perspective. My past took a new form and unfortunate things that seemed, growing up, like I was cursed was revealed to not be a curse at all…I just had an MN as my Higher Authority and a Narcissist as her foot soldier leading me into constant danger.
I felt completely alone and distressed. I turned to my partner but didn’t fully trust his motives or his family because my head was reeling with the true nature of my life. I was terrified that my partner and his family were just as morally corrupt and disloyal. I had one friend and a past riddled with broken connections. I became hyper protective of my son.
I stopped breast feeding when my son was 10 weeks old because the stress of everything meant I stopped producing milk. The time I was meant to bond with my son was filled with truth about my life. Real brutal, honest, cruel, upsetting, cutting truth. But with that brutality came compassion and love. The reality hit me and in came love, compassion, honesty and kindness.
People have now entered my life; they were always there its just that I had no space in my delusion for them to live in. Once I released the delusion that was my life and embraced the reality that it wasn’t me that was crazy, it was my family, good people found their way in. With the rising of my self-belief, self-worth and confidence that I alone was the master of my own life came the dawn of a new beginning for me, filled with regular, chaos-free relationships. My life and my surroundings are…normal.
And that is all it took; a reality check on how I conduct myself, how I value myself, how I love others. I love with honesty , not through a martyr/saviour complex. I love people, with all of their human attributes and failings and feel confident that they reciprocate. I know the meaning of love.
As I came to terms with how much of a scapegoat I was within my family, to cover up the multitude of craziness they had been doing, more and more people began reaching out. I was being validated through normality for the first time in my life.
With regards to my interactions with other people, it wasn’t like I had suddenly become a glory blaze of enlightenment that made me realize just how damaging my own family were…it was precisely the opposite. It was because the people around me now were so human…so full of failings but yet so aware of their humanity and went about their lives in a human way, which made them so beautiful. I could sit with these people in my post trauma vibe and yet they would flit about still showing their vulnerabilities, still look after themselves and still reveal or hide sections of their lives and even when I was completely aware of them judging me (which of course, is totally human) it really didn’t matter as much as it had done because I was being judged by peers, not by gods, and that meant I belonged. I had spent my past existence living in a world that comprised of my parents brainwashing their children into thinking that they were deities, that I was their offspring’s carer because of their god-like status and reminded daily to never trust anyone because they were jealous of me having god-like parents.
The final ‘official’ hurdle for my validation was within the medical field(surrounding my reputation, it was going to take years to sort that one out but I had the patience and the humility to work towards fixing this and I also knew that it wasn’t my character but the filmsy reputation that had been ruined – my character had never been questioned…character is a synonym of your soul, reputation is a synonym of your fallible humanity) .
I needed to speak to my doctor about it and then hope for the best. The worst scenario was in speaking about my hypothesis – that I was the scapegoat and I wasn’t actually crazy but that they had made crazy – was if the doctor wrote in my notes that I was delusional and perhaps creating a scapegoat within them. But, I had to do it because I needed to clear my name in order to move forward into the next chapter of my life without my past hanging over my head, threatening to destroy any foundation that I attempted to create. I didn’t want this axe to swing over my, or my new families head for all eternity…regardless of the outcome, I had to at least try.
It certainly didn’t help that I turned up covered in a facial infection and absolutely exhausted due to a very demanding baby who just abhorred sleep. It didn’t help either that my trusted doctor had left on maternity leave and I was faced with a new doctor who could only read my notes.
Deep breathe and just do it. This voice whispered.
So, I just told her. I told her that I was well aware just how crazy it sounded and that I had zero credibility to back me up but here it was.
I told her, briefly that my parents were severely sick and I was only just coming to terms with that fact now that I had freed myself from their clutches. That my brother had tried to strangle me to death 6 months after I had given birth because of my parents and had now disappeared and that I was trying to create a life for my child and new family but that I was scared that my medical history would continually block me from making a fresh start. That my family was toxic and I have now woken up to this.
She stood there; wrote a prescription for the bacteria infection on my face, told me that I was burning the candle at both ends, that my body was telling me that I was doing too much and that if one day I can’t get out of my pyjamas it’s because my body needs a time out. Basically, I was running myself into the ground by trying to be the perfect mother and partner. She then told me the thing that I needed to hear;
“What you went through was based on situation. If anyone contacts us regarding your medical history we have all the proof that we need to let them know that it was situational. Don’t worry.”
And was there any chance of clearing my name?
“You can’t wipe your medical history clear, no. But, what you can do is draw a line under it and not let it ruin the rest of your life. We will back you.”
The weight of the world was lifted.
I left with my child and even though my face was covered in hideous scabs and I felt like I could sleep for a century, I felt uplifted and renewed. I felt like I had my credibility back and I felt like I could go down the path that I was meant to travel without fear of slander.
The slanderous will continue to slander but now I knew that words could never hurt me. Now that saying meant something. You know why? Because I had claimed it back from them.
So, who is on your side?
There are plenty of good people on your side but they will always stand away from the fire that you continue to burn until you yourself put it out.
If you dance with the devil, you will sure to be burned and good people don’t want to be burned because they have their own lives to lead. They will, however, protect you once you leave the flames.
Good people are prevention rather than fire fighters.
If you know you lead a chaotic life and you are not sure why, look closer to home. Change through brutal honesty over your own failings.
You will find that the dynamics between people and yourself become easier once you come to terms with your own failings, and by coming to terms with your own failings you will rid yourself of the Narcissists around you.
It is because you believe the MN’s and their derivatives hype (Hype meaning good or bad abuse of your self, depending on if you live on the good or bad abuse about yourself) about you that you deny through every facet of your being, the good people around you.
Your army will stick with you if you show a bit more loyalty to them. That’s precisely what I am doing.
The one thing to combat these creatures? Show a consistent adherence to loyalty to your truth path. Be consistent.