Reaching the Cross Roads
This post will move slightly away from the cause and focus on the solution; you.
As I have stated, adult children whose Narcissitic Higher Authority was their care givers will generally reach their cross road dilemma in their 30/40’s. Something happens and these adults will see their present lives, relationships, past, career – their entire existence and how they relate to it – in an entirely different light.
I have read somewhere that it is like a fog has lifted. I suppose this is quite appropriate if the fog’s properties were toxic chemicals. However, this removes the power away from the affected adult and gives it to the ‘fog’. To suggest that the fog lifts, suggests that it lifted and you did nothing but stand there and watch it move away.
I would like to assert that these adults who realise and move away from the chaos do so because they find that they love something more than themselves and it reciprocates in a healthy normal manner.
For me, as silly as it sounds, the start of my journey began with a cat and was fully realised when I had my child.
Years ago, I was given a cat by my brother. He and his partner at that time treated this cat terribly, finding the novelty of “Lets move in together and declare our solidarity by getting an animal” wearing thin within weeks when the animal demanded more care, attention and stability than they were willing to give to anything outside themselves.
At that time, I was in an incredibly vulnerable state, living in the middle of nowhere and in a run down caravan just across the road from my parents. I had moved to this caravan because of my fathers increased physically threatening behaviour and my mothers refusal to do anything about it – at the time, I still believed that my mother had no role in this.
In order to ‘keep the peace’ (as I was being blamed for my fathers conduct because I was a ‘difficult’ person and I was ‘just like your father’ by you know who…I now know that my father was physically, emotionally and mentally abusive towards me because he couldn’t do it to the person he subconsciously wanted to do it to – his wife), I moved into a shabby caravan with nothing to keep me company but my computer an ex boyfriend gave to me.
I had a very image impressive job but was struggling daily to maintain my stability.
Just before the moving day, my brother asked me if I would take the cat. By this time, the cat was attacking the couple and wouldn’t let anyone touch it. Without any hesitation, I said yes.
I had a few days left at my parents and decided that the cat didn’t need the added stress of being in a house with such negativity looming over it, so I decided to set the cat up in one of the dog kennels. It was dry but dark but I thought it would be a more calming place than in the house. Before I put him in the kennel, I asked him what he would like his new name to be and he looked me straight in the eyes and a name popped into my head.
I left him in the kennel and apart from him attacking me every time I went in to give him food and water, he stayed there in quite a calm state.
When we moved to the caravan, it felt like I needed eyes on the back of my head. Every movement I made was met with this huge Egyptian looking cat launching itself at me, trying to rip me to shreds. This was even more problematic considering how tiny the caravan was – there was nowhere to hide, I just had to stand there and let it happen while never letting the cat get a reaction out of me (for some reason, I felt that the cat was testing me to see if I would retaliate and beat it).
It took about 1 month of being constantly attacked, when I was sitting at my computer when the cat came charging in from the window (we lived on a farm, so the window was always open) and did this huge almighty miaow and jumped on my lap. Of course, I was scared but I stayed put. He started to purr and drool and I petted him for the first time.
From that point on, it was me and my cat. He wouldn’t let anyone come near him but with me he was that affectionate that it was like he was trying to merge himself into me whenever he sat on my lap. I loved that cat, he was my only friend at that time and now he loved and trusted me.
I have had many animals before that time, but never before had I felt any true connection to them. With my cat, we had a bond because he trusted that I loved him and I trusted myself to love something more than myself. We were inseparable and I finally began to realise what it meant to have love and give love.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t to be. My cat was run over one day when I was at work and it was my mother who told me. It’s my belief, based on everything else I have come to realise, that it could very well have been her who ran my cat over because she had the habit of removing everyone else in my past that she had believed that I had loved or had loved me more than her (quite a number of people in my childhood disappeared with the answer from my mother being that ‘they had been deported’, animals disappeared with ‘gone to a farm’, boyfriends becoming mentally instable after long drinking nights with my mother in my absence, forcing me to break up with them etc.).
This is further proven by the fact that a few days after the death of my cat, while I was still incredibly heartbroken, she invited the entire family to supper. As they all gathered around the table, my mother pulled out a huge roasting dish and I looked into it and saw what looked to me like a cooked cat.
It was a rabbit, an animal that my mother had never ever cooked before in her life. It looked just like a cooked cat and that was enough for me to completely freak out. Everyone sat at the table, embarrassed and obviously wishing me to stop the hysterics, while my mother stood at the end of the table and said with a sneer “For God Sake, get over it.” then carried on putting the huge roasting dish in the centre of the table (again, she had never cooked like this before. Meals were always dished out per plate then given to each person for them to eat wherever they like in the house or we cooked for ourselves). My sister now agrees with me that the whole scene was ‘strange’.
As a side note; My sister isn’t a stranger to my mother’s way. But for the most part just now due to my mother conning her into becoming business partners, tries to block it out. My sister, when living in another country, was told by a friend of hers that our parents had moved 40 miles away from the home she thought they still lived in but hadn’t told her. When she confronted my mother via a distressed phone call asking when she planned on letting my sister know (they had lived at the new address for months by then), my mother just laughed thinking it was hilarious.
To continue; I went into the living room, still crying, while my family continued to eat and have a laugh, like I didn’t exist. Once they had all finished, my brother came through and said that he would take me home. Still crying, I went home and a slight glimmer of a conscious showed in my brothers face. He gave me a hug, told me he was sorry about my cat and that he had earlier suggested to our mother that he would buy me another cat but that she had said no, because it would get run over again and she couldn’t cope with that kind of hysterics from me.
So, I wasn’t allowed another cat (baring in mind here, this was when I was in my mid to late twenties…I should have been a fully independent adult woman by this time) but the seed had been planted.
While it was the catalyst for me moving even further into isolation, both physically and mentally (with only my parents and a community pyschiatric nurse as my contact to humanity), believing that I posed a serious threat to people. It did lead me on a journey which directly lead me to having my child and reach my cross roads.
Because of that cat, I knew that I could love and that something could love me (although, I did also think that I was cursed to never have love). Because of that incident, I plunged deep into a psychosis and was appointed a psychiatric nurse who cared for me. Because of that nurse, she helped me to move back into a city and away from my parents (in hindsight, I can see that she saw precisely what was going on as she kept telling me that there was nothing wrong with me and her brow would furrow each time I mentioned what my parents had been doing).
Her meetings with my parents, still I was oblivious, was being witness to them showing up on my birthday with a giant tea cup and saucer, about 2 foot in diameter, and a lemon cheesecake – I hate cheese cake – laugh and leave. Another time, on moving to the city and offering my antique wardrobe to my nurse by way of appreciation, my father moved the wardrobe into her home and cut his finger. He then stood in her kitchen squeezing his hand, letting the drops of blood fall all over her floor and only moved to cover more area while refusing any tissue offered. She didn’t bite, she ignored him and gave me a hug and wished me well. While my mother sat in the van pretending she was the queen without so much as a ‘how do you do’ to the woman who had effectively saved my life.
My life went from bad to worse once I moved into the city; that another time. However, the seed was planted.
My ultimate cross road came at the birth of my son. Apart from a few weak moments when I believed that I could ‘save’ them, I haven’t looked back.
I love my child, obviously, more than I loved my cat but it was because of my cat that made me aware that I had it in me to love and for another to love me…I had it in me to care for another person. I had it in me all along, its just I was never given a chance to do just that. So, my cross road decision was finalised – and you know which road I decided to take.
Your cross roads won’t be easy, it will probably be the hardest thing you will ever have to do because it will mean an entire shift from everything and everyone you have ever known and become accustomed to, to a place of ‘beginning’…as your perception changes, you will suddenly start to see unhealthy chaos in other areas of your life and you will have to ‘spring clean’ your life.
Its a huge uplift and not without a certain amount of threat (physical, slanderous, mental) to your well being by those feeling threatened by your awakening. For some, it won’t be the right time – and all I can say is, I hope we see you again when you are ready but stay safe until then – for others they will ‘fall off the wagon’ a few times, when filled with a false sense of being strong enough to not be fooled by them anymore, for others they might not make it at all…suicide, murder, lifetime of mental imprisonment through psychosis/disorders/delusion. Or, joining them fully by becoming a foot soldier.
There will come a time when each and every single person is faced with their own cross road; what you do and which path you take will solely depend on how much value you place on your potential to realise your huge capacity to love others and accept love. Everything after that moment will fall into place.
As a side note; On looking through my camera of my child when he was just born, both my partner and I have noticed two pictures where he is looking up and just above his moses basket there, looking over him, is a ghostly image of a cat. Whether you believe in such things or not, I still think it is a lovely way to end this post and I find great comfort from it.