Peer Relationships with Malignant Narcissist/Narcissist
Relationships are incredibly complex while incredibly simple at the same time.
There is a plethora of information that I can offer in a general sense, however it can only be left down to the individual – you – to decide the when and how and why specifically ‘you’ related.
I will never say leave (although, you and I both know that ultimately that is what I, including yourself is thinking) but I will never underestimate your intelligence and self awareness by saying anything other than what I am thinking and what I have experienced. It is then up to you how you use it/not use it. Regardless of what you may choose, know that you have a friend in me.
Should you be entangled or in company with a Narcissist that is your friend, sibling, colleague, class mate, teacher, doctor, psychiatrist etc. this is equally as detrimental to your well being but for this post I will be concentrating on the sexual partnership aspect of relationships.
I stated earlier that relationships (referring to sexual ones; of which, I will now call relationship/s within this post only for ease) are simultaneously complex while simple.
The complexity is embedded within our world view and how (we believe and also how it actually does) it views us.
The simplicity is embedded within two people just wanting to be together and expressing it outwardly.
And this is where the conflict begins. This is where you find yourself at a loss should you find yourself in love with a MN/Narcissist.
The outward is expressed from simplicity and put into an external world of complexity. True love knows how to deal together with the conflict this conjures. Knows, maybe not right away but at least learns and learns together, that one will support the other and vice versa when the conflicts rear their head.
Through the trials and tribulations, communication comes to a mid way point and is filtered back into the couple as strength – as a strengthen tool which enables the couple to move forward, progress and become reciprocal. Experiences that challenged them as used as ‘learning from’ tools.
While challenges always appear, it is never the same mistake twice for healthy couples and they soothe one another and further strengthen their allegiance through the loving act of sex and affection.
As I entered my relationship on the cusp of developing into a ‘no return’ Narcissist from a character disordered and my partner was himself a character disordered, I understand and would never state that there are specific ‘red flag signs’ to look out for when entering a relationship.
Ours was a crazy relationship, of which I will tell you why in another post, and it looked like – from the outside – that we were crazy to stay together.
While I am in the minority that did reach a successful and loving ending (although one can never tell what the future holds, but for now we are successful) there are thousands who are trapped by their partners, circumstances, society, religion etc. There are thousands who have escaped and still feel trapped. There are thousands questioning why they ended up where they did because they thought they were good people, smart people, strong people.
For those people I have the following for you;
It is precisely because you are good, kind, smart, strong, clever…it is because you embrace every facet of your humanity with such a vibrancy that you will come into contact with the very creatures who want to destroy that within you.
As I said in an earlier post; your very weaknesses are your strengths.
I will save my own relationship for another post, but the thing that I would like you to ponder on is this;
My partner and I entered our relationship as character disordered with Narcissistic defensive traits. We (used to) lead extremely chaotic lives together and apart. What kept us together was one thing. Yes, of course we love one another but that wasn’t enough clearly. It was because we loved something more than ourselves and was determined to better ourselves because of it.
I am certainly not saying that you get (or get your partner) pregnant. No, what I am highlighting is the fact that we wanted to better ourselves. WE.
Not I, not you. Just WE.
I changed myself and my horrible personality (not all was horrible but it was getting to be that way) and he changed too.
It is still a working progress and we still face external conflict as we express our new selves outwardly. We still have moments of ‘ARGGGGGGH!’ or moments of depression but we come back to one another a day or say later, talk about it and learn.
The main thing for us is expressing how we feel, taking a lesson from it (ie. not doing it again if it was horrible) and moving on to the next challenge.
Now, I would never dream of typing on here like a love doctor warrior. I am a MN/Narcissist warrior, but love is something I am still very much a novice having only loved once when I was a teenager (he committed himself and also tried to kill himself on a few occasions after acquainting himself with my family) – unless you are speaking about my child…that, yes that, is some kind of love I feel reverberating through my entire body and feel entirely familiar with.
The point I would like to make, through my own example, is that we learn. We progress. We face new challenges.
There is a certain type of linearity with progression. A consistent “We learn, we try, we try, we fail, we try and we succeed, then we move on to the next thing to try, try, fail, fail, try and succeed.”
Being in a relationship – being in love- with a MN/Narcissist, there is no try, try, try, fail, learn, try, try, succeed, try, succeed, try, fail….
Being in love with these creatures there is only the hamster wheel.
Do not think for one moment that the world sees your efforts; your efforts are hidden. You will be reprimanded for not peddling hard enough by this swan when in private; the private time that should be taken to soothe and express and reciprocate mutual love and solidarity.
This, this is what it is like to be in a MN/Narcissistic relationship.
I will not print a list for you, the good person, to watch out for. You are worth more than a list and your individuality with your experiences are more complex than a list.
You deserve, and should have shared time to be the swan above the water and also, the feet peddling furiously below.
That is love.
That is sharing.
That is progression.
That is learning.
That is something they will never have but will always try and destroy within you.
And this, this is precisely why they hunt you out. Because you have something they will never understand.
If one can’t understand it, one set’s out to use and destroy it or destroys themselves – the latter will never happen, so it only falls to you to discern and stand firm.
I am aware that children in a relationship adds more complexity and I fully empathise with those who are in a relationship only to protect the children. I offer you my full respect and support. Your strength to stay in order to protect the children is the ultimate act of love and I hope one day you and your children get an ‘out’ opportunity and you all flourish.
Please know that my thoughts are with you if you are protecting not only yourself, but your children.