The Walking Narcissists – The True Living Dead

Narcissism, especially Malignant Narcissism, an overview

Month: May, 2013

Interlude

What I need to say is, make sure that you are spending time within nature.

 

Take long walks…longer than you ever imagined, longer still. When you feel the urge to turn back, continue and keep on walking. Breathe in the air, take in the colours, say hello to the people who cross your path.

Stop when a colour takes your notice. Run your fingers along a branch that holds a natural smell.

Don’t stop walking until the heaviness lifts and you feel lighter.

Speak your thoughts out loud while walking, let the wind take them away…heavier ones will be taken as long as you give them up.

Raise them all up and said them out loud while walking…don’t be ashamed but be aware.

 

Let me know how you get on

 

Take care and be kind to yourself

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Update

Readers, I think it will take me more time than I had previously said before I can offer a post to you. 

During my absence I have been following a thought that occurred to me that required further investigation from myself. 

I am currently exploring the thought I have which is pretty much running throughout my entire blog. 

The MN Era. Natural Selection. Formation of a new stage to human evolution due to the MN Era.

Specifically, I am exploring the connection between MN’s as Higher Authorities and Autism. 

Higher Authorities both on the macro and micro level. I have stated earlier that the world view upholds MN as successful. This then trickles down to the micro (parental/peer level) so that it becomes embedded within ? Our Geneology? Our Psyche? Our Evolution of humanity?

Has it become embedded to the degree that we are now seeing an increase in Autism (full spectrum) – the new Darwins finch? 

This is an incredibly controversial topic – more controversial than any of my previous posts and I am more than willing to engage with anyone about it. 

I am researching and will see how it goes. 

Thank you for your patience 

Teenager Malignant Narcissist

I had started this post, based on a reader inquiry, earlier this week.

It has taken a turn which I am currently exploring and researching. I will not be able to write this post until I have completed the line of exploration that has grown within.

I will be back in a few weeks or when I feel I have a sufficient foundation on which to write – whichever is sooner.

Reader, should you be at your wits ends, then please feel free to email me using the email address at the bottom of the blog.

It wouldn’t be responsible of me to continue to write about this topic until I have analysed the idea bubble that has popped up.

 

Take care and email me at any time

Getting Even with a Malignant Narcissist

A reader asked me about having a teenager who is a Malignant Narcissist.

I promise that I will produce a post that explores and discusses this.

‘Getting even with a MN’ has come up in my site and this, to me, is something I must speak about immediately because of the severe risks it poses to the person who has suggested it.

I hope the reader who asked about the teen MN understands.

Reader, who asked about how to get even with a MN, please listen to me. Please email me further so we can discuss it. Please, don’t do anything – don’t do anything harmful.

You have quite clearly reached your limit of being pushed about, abused, warped, degraded, humiliated. You may have lost your job by them, you may have lost your friends by them, you may have lost most of your life by them and just woken up, you may have loved or you may quite simply have a neighbour who just wants to give you rubbish all day, every day.

Just because you are a good person does not mean you can not harbour deep feelings of revenge and retribution.

What I want for all you, including myself, is some sort of huge cosmic karma payback towards these monsters. I honestly am waiting for these beasts to fully pay (within this lifetime, within the time that I am here) for the travesty they have created. I am waiting for the day when people who are not related, to stand up and take control.

I am waiting for those who are sitting on the fence (thinking they are doing the best, when in fact they are just doing Switzerland) to stand up and be counted.

Getting even with a MN is not possible; they have no off switch, they will never understand and they will never submit. They follow their own truth path. You follow yours.

By trying to find a way to get revenge means you are veering away from your truth path. They may do this kind of thing naturally, but it is not in your nature do so.

I say this with deep trepidation, because if anyone tried to harm my son I honestly don’t know what I would do. I don’t know if my allegiance to my truth path would overtake my love for protecting my son.

Its all subjective.

I have said to everyone that if anyone interferes with my boy I will rip their heart out and then turn myself in.

Now, there is quite a few a things wrong and right with this statement.

The first one is the obvious violence and my son losing his mother to prison.

The second is I have strayed from my truth path and entered the world they had primed me for from the start.

The third, I will no longer be able to protect him while I am locked up.

I honestly don’t know how I will react. So far, what I have done is cut off everyone and anyone who poses a damage to my child. I may be alone (apart from my partner and maybe my sister, will need to see how she turns out). This is the best I can do just now but I am actually fearful about how far I will take protecting my son and how much it will corrupt me.

I don’t want to judge you for wanting revenge or getting even. Jesus, it haunts me every day wanting to make each and every single one of them pay. I think I would honestly be able to raise my head just that little bit higher and move within this world in a bit more confidence than I am doing if I knew the people who harmed me were being publicly held to account and punished.

Now what I have to deal with is people who harmed me living all over the world and more than able to interfere with my world whenever they wish. Gifts when my son was born, abusers living and thriving while we live in poverty, parents too self involved to protect their own brood.

Ive lived it, I am living it, I want to kill it, like they have tried to kill me. But, I cant. There is something within me that won’t allow it. Probably why I tried to destroy myself.

Myself. Am leaving it because its not myself anymore…its my family. My child.

You cant get even with a MN, you can only try and fall into their world. You fall into it and you will get some form of retribution but you will not win because it is not your truth path.

If you can walk away, do so.

If you have heaps of evidence, then charge but know they work on the long game.

If its your parents, only you know what to do.

Keep lots of written evidence, try not to chase them (which I know is hard if they have hurt you), and build yourself up.

I can not implore you enough not to get even. Get justice, by all means, but through the right avenues and this takes time.

The thing is, Im not going to be a hypocrite, I protect and will fight for my family. But, I know these things will now be future things because I have cut off the present things.

Just know…you will never be able to ‘get even’…all you will be left with is lowering yourself. How much of a price you pay for this is up to you and I will never judge you.

I know when I will do it and I know when I wont.

You touch my child and I will delve fully into what they have taught me and deal with the consequences.

If there is a God, I will fight him too. There is no forgiveness when it comes to harming my child and I expect no salvation for torturing those who may feel they can hurt them.

This is why I am worried about when people say they want to get even…because they have no switch off, no limits, it means that you need to have no limits – and you do, which is why you are good …if it crosses every thing you have every held dear then what? take the risk that things will understand? That the universe will understand that you are protecting you child….I dont know

Don’t do it – getting even – for spiteful reasons.

For me, I won’t bother with getting even as that is self absorbed and ego driven. What I may do is, not get even but tap in to all the MN training they instilled in me (which I rejected) and destroy them.

To my eternal hell.

But as long as my boy is safe I will do it to my sacrifice.

My family are still here, they are far removed from our life so as long as that stays then we are fine.

Omg reader, you do not realise how much I feel your pain~!  I want retribution for everything they have done!

If you are single then let it go and be good …if you have children then jesus, its so hard right?

Boundaries

I thought that I would discuss boundaries and what it means to you, the good person while you follow your truth path.

This, I will admit, is something I have struggled to understand and to implement – you can’t properly implement something you don’t understand. People who want to use and abuse you for their own means will sense your wavering.

I have spent many years researching but even to this day I am faced with MN/Narcissists imposing in my life. Granted, it has become a lot faster to smell a rat but I am still susceptible to falling for it/being deceived.

I had said in a comment to a reader, within my last post, that I was aware of some of  my weak points (regarding who still had the capacity to pull the wool over my eyes to a certain extent) and why this happens  but it was still a working progress on maintaining full awareness from the outset.

Of course, this is due to a life of priming and self fulfilling their priming.

But, I asked myself, considering I am now aware of the priming and self fulfilling the priming, why then did I still have a little beacon for MN/Narcissists to be drawn to and test?

I suppose this post is in respect to Asmira, a new friend who follows this blog. She noted that MN Higher Authorities (or even just peer MN/Narcissists) will see your priming and how would one then find good HA’s (or peer)?

How does one discern?

I have spoken a lot, in fact made it my mantra, about “discerning and standing firm” to your truth path.

But, as Asmira has noted, how does one discern?

Its all very well and good for me to say – you have woken up to the abuse, you are of worth, you are valued and now discern and stand firm to follow your truth path – but if you have been primed your entire life how are you, the good person, meant to know the difference between healthy modes and damaging modes?

During my research, I kept on reading about “Maintaining boundaries” and “Children of MN’s/Narcissists were never allowed to have boundaries” and it flummoxed me when analysing what this thing called “Boundaries” were.

It felt like some secret key to salvation that I wasn’t privy to, that I heard all the cool kids speaking about while I hid behind the door listening. A kind of super club where all the happy people lived.

A club that I was never invited into and the kind where I made myself believe that it was a rubbish club anyway so not worth any more attention (while still secretly listening to what these cool kids said).

Boundaries.

Ok,  a boundary is a line in the sand. A moat around a castle. A border between countries. A warning when a child crosses a line, pushes you too much.

This is my space and that is yours. You are allowed to enter into my space with my permission but it is not a permanent residency. I have given you rules and you are now testing me to see if they are for real.

I am for real.

Now based on this, what I did in order to understand this surreal concept, was to place this into my life.

I was shocked to discover that my entire life had been without boundaries. Every time I had been angry (without realising what the term was called but still feeling betrayed) with my HA’s (and their followers, as well as my peers who believed them) it was because they gave me into trouble and justified abuse whenever I so much as tried to have my own personal space, have my own moat, have my border, and be able to reprimand someone for pushing me into compliance.

A boundary is so very important to a humans integrity, morality, character, intelligence – in fact, having boundaries it pretty much central to who you are as a person.

Having your boundaries beaten out of you (physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally) means you are left like Switzerland – believing you are doing good but harbouring some of the most malignant buggers in the world because you just don’t understand that you are the fool, not the enlightened.

You need, need, need to have a clear sense of right and wrong, have a clear sense of your likes and dislikes, have a clear sense of your direction. 

If you have none of those and are easily swayed (some may think this is enlightened behaviour but really it is damaged behaviour) to falling for a great argument/charm then this is what I call; boundary-less.

Your sense of self has been so utterly and completely destroyed throughout your lifetime, you have never been allowed to determine your senses, never been allowed to build up and branch out through maturity your sense of character and sense of others, that of course, you will be swayed by a convincing story/argument/charm! Of course!

You are, like everyone else, searching for meaning but have spent your life being beaten down in every manner possible to not think, not feel, not believe (in anything except them), not value yourself.

You escape from the clutches of the MN/Narcissist and you look back on your life for clues of what you should do now and you are left with nothing…no idea, you think you can just amble along and something will come up, surely, something will come up because after all, shit never sticks twice and surely, surely! you have gone through more than your share of travesty – of nightmares…surely, it is your time now to live, breathe and be happy surrounded by those cool kids who are in the know?

Surely…

No, its not. You have started the wheels in motion, thats excellent. You have awoken and determined that you life is worth living – you have many dreams that you want to follow and why not, you are a good person who (with a bit of hard work) can fulfil those dreams – so, why do I keep attracting the same kind of people that I have escaped from?

You ask. I asked. Lets explore.

Boundaries. I think its the key to being able to discern and follow your truth path.

When I started to fully realise that this wasn’t some stupid cool kids club, it was pivotal to your truth path and sustaining healthy relationships filled with integrity and respect, I then started to analyse further.

To you, the healthy person, this may seem like a given. But, to those who have trained to believe that it is abnormal and worthy of punishment, then it is a surreal thing to comprehend.

I have decided to re-name boundaries as ‘maintaining yourself’,

You are allowed to maintain yourself – it is your right as a fully sentient being. You were not born to be compliant to others, you were not given a brain to submit to others demands, and you were not given a body to serve others needs.

This is not feudal country.

Growing up, you will of course have to obey orders. Within a healthy environment this obeying will naturally progress to  respecting your decision to maintain your own self.

Growing up you will have to obey orders but you will also be respected for being an individual and given space.

You will not be allowed to ‘push it’ but you will be allowed to explore yourself and the world within a structured and safe environment.

One of my first memories, looking back, when I was enraged and felt that I had been betrayed was when I was about 8 years old and someone had bought me a diary. It was nothing special, just a little diary with a lock  and key.

I never locked it, hid it under my bed and took it out on a daily basis because I was so happy to have a little writing book for all my secrets….

I was 8, my life was boring, I had no secrets, had no friends, lived in a new country with people who bullied me, parents who were never around, looking after my siblings…so, I made some stuff up.

How this boy liked me (he didn’t, I had no friends), how I was going to this party (I wasn’t, no friends), how I fancied this celebrity (I didn’t even understand what this hormonal fancying meant but thought if I did it, it would help me make friends in this new country)…

My mum confronted me, shaking this diary at me, shouting and saying how disgusted she was with me, how I was disgusting, how I should be ashamed. I looked at her bewildered and said “You read my diary? It was hidden!”

Your damn right I read your diary, your disgusting and its disgusting and I don’t want to see your face ever again…it makes me sick, why I have to put up with you is beyond me. You are not allowed to have any secrets from me and this why you are not, because you are disgusting! I have ripped it up and thrown it out – and I will find and read anything else you decide to hide from me you horrible little thing.

Its about the only time I got my mothers attention, when she created reasons to punish me and did so. The rest of the time, I was ignored.

So, for as long as I remember I wasn’t allowed privacy. If I tried to have privacy, to explore life or even just be a curious child, I was demonised and severely punished – but always in secret, away from my fathers eyes (he was too busy being a garden variety Narcissist being adulated by the public).

I would be punished for anything my siblings did, even though I had to look after them, punished for anything…the choice was hard smacks over my mothers knee while my siblings had to stand and watch or solitary confinement (not being allowed to speak to anyone, not even my siblings) until I begged enough (via written notes left on the stair well) to my mothers satisfaction that I understood how evil a child I was.

I am now an adult and still, even with my cross road choice, I am still falling victim to opposites.

Not as much but still.

My advice to you;

Once you are aware and have started your journey, then build up and become aware of what you uncomfortable with, what your likes and dislikes are, allow exploration but from a stance of what you feel comfortable with, meet in the middle when it matters to both parties but keep set out your rules of conduct from the beginning.

If someone is healthy, they will only cross the line by accident and will apologise and never do it again, if someone is MN/Narcissist they will make you feel sub human (which is what they are, so it is always a form of projection with their hostility towards you) should you assert your character.

Remember, it is normal for each and every human being to have a character and explore it.

Know this, when a person swoops in, charms you, aligns themselves with your (wavering) goals, ambitions and character and then smashes them to the ground to make them look like a higher being (Malignant HA) – you know its not you, but them.

To avoid this (to a certain extent as it is a learning progress) you must spend time discovering and cementing your morals, passions, likes, needs and limits…should anyone come into your life who advocates them then tries to smash them up, that is when you need to discern and stand firm.

Good people will feel free to disagree but never try and pressure you into submitting to their will.

You always need to join with people from a place of being equal. Should anyone make you feel that you are below them (or above them), always feel uncomfortable with this. You need to meet people and form with people from an equal stance – different tastes, different beliefs, different intelligence but always equal ( take it in turns to be the swan and the feet).

Usually, Narcissist/MN’s lift you up to being above them in order to soften you. Then smash you down until you are no better than dog muck. Be wary when you are not meeting people from a stance of equality.

Then walk away.

I hope this has helped to clarify.

Good luck and feel free to ask me for more detail should it still confuse you because it is a surreal topic for those who have never been allowed any boundaries (self maintenance)

Pregnant by a Malignant Narcissist

I will first explore and discuss ‘Pregnant by a Malignant Narcissist‘ and then move on to ‘Teenager MN’.

Before I continue, I must make it absolutely clear that I am exploring and discussing. While I have previously taken a more directive approach regarding what one must do when living within MN and Narcissistic environment (discern and stand firm and also to follow your truth path), this was in the general sense.

It becomes more challenging when you bring in specific experiences within the MN environment because one wants to build people up, encourage them to believe in themselves and to always show faith in personal strength. To then direct someone on what they must do within a specific situation means that one is then further adding to that persons problems – that of having the pressure of trying to ‘live up’ to the directions or feel further isolated if they do not.

The reason why I say this is because this blog is now reader led, which means that we will be venturing into very personal experiences. I will offer all/most of the possibilities and leave it up to you, the reader, to place value on it. I want to extend my hand to everyone, regardless of faith/gender/socio-economic status, which means value may be placed on some of my discussion while other bits may be dismissed (or even seen to be offensive depending  on faith/personal opinion).

Please, use your discernment and do what is right for you, always. I support you and your ability to choose.

Now, back to the topics.

Pregnant by a MN.

Should you find yourself pregnant by a MN (or Narcissist) and you are quite clearly aware of what type of person he is, then this opens up a whole range of problems – both presently and in the future. It can also be mixed in with a whole range of emotions when thinking about being pregnant.

Lets begin from a stance that you are happy to be pregnant but not happy with who the father is.

The happiness felt is severely tainted by the fact that you know this MN/Narcissist will now be in your life forever. Will now be your future child’s father and mentor. Will now have yet another tool to keep you within their reach.

Let me remind you – Malignant Narcissists are born this way. Narcissists choose once they reach their cross roads (having been a character disordered with Narcissistic defensive qualities) and then enter a no return. Character disorders either move into Narcissism through choice at their cross roads or spend their lives aligning themselves to their truth path (while changing their ‘patterns’ of old).

Character disorders that are parents bring up a whole range of problems and issues, which will affect the child, but if both parties are open and honest in working together to overcome them as they arise then the child will (in general) have no more issues/problems than is usual. To paraphrase Philip Larkin; parents always will mess children up.

A MN as a potential father, going by the above, means that they will never change. A Narcissist will never change. Both types will get worse as they get older, with the MN becoming more deadly to your well being. Character disordered will be more susceptible to changing and it may well be that your pregnancy is their cross road moment (but it is a very big risk) or they may well use this moment to follow down the Narcissist no return path (as my brother has done).

The main thing to take from this is; MN and Narcissists will not change but worsen. 

What does this mean to you, the good person, who finds themselves pregnant by a MN/Narcissist?

It means that you need to think about every single option available to you and take nothing for granted.

Deciding to terminate the pregnancy because of the MN should act as an indicator to protect yourself also. You have decided to protect the unborn the only way that you know how and that takes great courage. That means you have the courage within you to have a life removed from the MN in the future. Whether you leave now or later, know that you have the courage/strength to do so.

Should you decide to see the pregnancy through you will face decisions that take great courage also.

Having a child with a MN/Narcissist means one thing to the MN/Narcissist. Another tool.

These creatures will only ever see the child as an object. They will never love.

The child will either become the ‘special child’ and be enmeshed within the MN world or the kicking post within the MN world. Whatever the MN needs, will be projected onto the child.

It will be your job to ensure that this is minimised for the child’s entire life while also protecting yourself.

Should you decide to leave during/after pregnancy and not let anyone know where you are you will have to start again and it will be lonely, frightening and hard work. Simultaneously dealing with the abuse that  you suffered at the hands of the MN, creating a new life with your child from scratch and without support from anyone in your life before.

Should you decide to stay you will be faced with a lifetime of harm minimisation within your child and yourself.

Should you decide to leave but grant MN access via courts then again, you will face a lifetime of harm minimisation.

It seems that no matter what you decide it is entirely dependant on a reaction to the MN of which, you (and baby) suffer the consequences.

There are so many options to consider, that only you can decide which one you are most comfortable with. The only one constant is that the MN/Narcissist will never change, only worsen.

Every single possibility has its own frightening and isolating consequences, each one is as scary as the other. But you have it in you to see through the adversity and overcome. Remember, the reason why the MN latched on to you is because you have something they want – goodness. Your overflowing goodness will, if you let it, outshine anything. Have faith in it.

Full awareness of this fact – a full and deep understanding that if it is bad now, it will get worse the older they get – means you will have the edge during any decision making periods.

You will have to play the long game and never forget that these creatures have no off switch.

You will need lots of support from other like minded individuals, to keep you strong and on path.

You will face challenges with your child growing up as they will take on some of the characteristics of their father (the Higher Authority). But, remember, these are conditioned characteristics which means that your good influence will combat and transform them. It is possible to tap in to their goodness and make it flourish over anything that the MN may try to do.

MN’s are born this way. You will know as soon as your child develops into a communicating being if they have been born that way too. If not, then you have a fighting chance of raising a child who believes in their own goodness and will see their father for what he is. Stay tight on your truth path and lead by example.

Should you be the father and your partner is a MN, you too have challenges because it is still an integral part of societal belief that a child always needs their mother more than their father, regardless of how much harm she may be causing.

I don’t have any answers for this one. Until Higher Authorities view things from a place of empathy rather than a place of automaton reason then, to some extent,  your fate is in their hands.

The only thing I can recommend is to keep a journal, find an empathic Higher Authority to keep in touch with and build up a support group – catalogue everything.

Regardless of what you decide, there will be many challenges ahead. Accepting that the MN/Narcissist will never change but worsen, means you remove yourself from a stance of delusion and into a stance of awareness. This awareness will help improve your strength.

I can not emphasise enough how important it is to never fool yourself into believing that they will improve, this is a dangerous thing to do.

About the only time the MN/Narcissist will let you (and baby should you decide to have it) go is when something/someone comes along who has more Narcissistic value than yourself (and child). Pity the person (and hope it is an object such as career rather than a person) but also see that opportunity for what it is – a get out.

To end;

– Always work from the perception that MN/Narcissist will never change but worsen

– Keep a journal (and keep it hidden) so that you have written, dated proof should you ever need it

– Spend time finding and slowly build up trust with a good Higher Authority so they get to know your character, trust you and in turn will protect you under their HA umbrella

– Build up a network within your community that have empathic qualities, a clear sense of right and wrong and are willing to stand up for them (this again, needs to be built up slowly to watch their patterns of behaviour to see if that is the case)

– For every harmful thing the MN does, combat it with a double dose of goodness

– Spend as much time with your child in nature and help build up empathy and compassion during these times by introducing animals (try to avoid pets, rather use wildlife to help child) and gardening

– Sing to your child as often as you can – sing and dance, this touches parts of the soul

– Socialise your children, as much as possible, with a wide variety of people (culturally, religious, intellectually, spiritually) who all have goodness as their foundation

– Always keep an eye out for opportunities of being able to create a life for you and your child away from the MN

– Should you have decided to terminate the pregnancy, then please take time to recover (mentally, spiritually and physically) and then try to tap into that strength once more to use it for yourself  to find a way to leave

My next post will be about MN teenagers as I feel this post is long enough.

Let me know if you think I have missed anything and I will continue.

Next Topic

Pregnant by a Malignant Narcissist 

and

Having a teenager who is a Malignant Narcissist

 

I hope it is of some use to you. 

 

Please feel free to send me any question and I will try my best to provide you with a thoughtful response

A Return of Some Sorts

Ok, I have had a few emails asking me to continue. Here is where one of my vulnerabilities show up.

I have plenty more to say (the things I have spoken about are more in line with a form of spiritual guidance, rather than my own personal experience) its just I was worried that it would then fall into the ego sphere…I want you, the reader, to have faith in your own intelligence and truth path rather than read anything specific that I have to say, have to direct.

The people I have met through this blog have asked me to continue which means what I am saying is of help to others. If I am of use to others going through the same thing then I will continue.

What I will do, because the soul side has stopped with its messages for now, is go by whatever is searched on or emailed or commented…you decide what I speak about.

I didn’t want anyone to think that I have abandoned them during their time of awakening, I am so sorry that I made you feel that way. I just followed what was felt by me to be said and then I finished. However, lets keep the discussion going but in a more open manner.

My apologies, friends. I think I was probably a bit cold in stopping so suddenly, that in itself was egotistical – damned if you do and damned if you don’t, I think.

The floor is yours. Tell me what is on your mind and I will speak about it.