Pregnant by a Malignant Narcissist
Before I continue, I must make it absolutely clear that I am exploring and discussing. While I have previously taken a more directive approach regarding what one must do when living within MN and Narcissistic environment (discern and stand firm and also to follow your truth path), this was in the general sense.
It becomes more challenging when you bring in specific experiences within the MN environment because one wants to build people up, encourage them to believe in themselves and to always show faith in personal strength. To then direct someone on what they must do within a specific situation means that one is then further adding to that persons problems – that of having the pressure of trying to ‘live up’ to the directions or feel further isolated if they do not.
The reason why I say this is because this blog is now reader led, which means that we will be venturing into very personal experiences. I will offer all/most of the possibilities and leave it up to you, the reader, to place value on it. I want to extend my hand to everyone, regardless of faith/gender/socio-economic status, which means value may be placed on some of my discussion while other bits may be dismissed (or even seen to be offensive depending on faith/personal opinion).
Please, use your discernment and do what is right for you, always. I support you and your ability to choose.
Now, back to the topics.
Pregnant by a MN.
Should you find yourself pregnant by a MN (or Narcissist) and you are quite clearly aware of what type of person he is, then this opens up a whole range of problems – both presently and in the future. It can also be mixed in with a whole range of emotions when thinking about being pregnant.
Lets begin from a stance that you are happy to be pregnant but not happy with who the father is.
The happiness felt is severely tainted by the fact that you know this MN/Narcissist will now be in your life forever. Will now be your future child’s father and mentor. Will now have yet another tool to keep you within their reach.
Let me remind you – Malignant Narcissists are born this way. Narcissists choose once they reach their cross roads (having been a character disordered with Narcissistic defensive qualities) and then enter a no return. Character disorders either move into Narcissism through choice at their cross roads or spend their lives aligning themselves to their truth path (while changing their ‘patterns’ of old).
Character disorders that are parents bring up a whole range of problems and issues, which will affect the child, but if both parties are open and honest in working together to overcome them as they arise then the child will (in general) have no more issues/problems than is usual. To paraphrase Philip Larkin; parents always will mess children up.
A MN as a potential father, going by the above, means that they will never change. A Narcissist will never change. Both types will get worse as they get older, with the MN becoming more deadly to your well being. Character disordered will be more susceptible to changing and it may well be that your pregnancy is their cross road moment (but it is a very big risk) or they may well use this moment to follow down the Narcissist no return path (as my brother has done).
The main thing to take from this is; MN and Narcissists will not change but worsen.
What does this mean to you, the good person, who finds themselves pregnant by a MN/Narcissist?
It means that you need to think about every single option available to you and take nothing for granted.
Deciding to terminate the pregnancy because of the MN should act as an indicator to protect yourself also. You have decided to protect the unborn the only way that you know how and that takes great courage. That means you have the courage within you to have a life removed from the MN in the future. Whether you leave now or later, know that you have the courage/strength to do so.
Should you decide to see the pregnancy through you will face decisions that take great courage also.
Having a child with a MN/Narcissist means one thing to the MN/Narcissist. Another tool.
These creatures will only ever see the child as an object. They will never love.
The child will either become the ‘special child’ and be enmeshed within the MN world or the kicking post within the MN world. Whatever the MN needs, will be projected onto the child.
It will be your job to ensure that this is minimised for the child’s entire life while also protecting yourself.
Should you decide to leave during/after pregnancy and not let anyone know where you are you will have to start again and it will be lonely, frightening and hard work. Simultaneously dealing with the abuse that you suffered at the hands of the MN, creating a new life with your child from scratch and without support from anyone in your life before.
Should you decide to stay you will be faced with a lifetime of harm minimisation within your child and yourself.
Should you decide to leave but grant MN access via courts then again, you will face a lifetime of harm minimisation.
It seems that no matter what you decide it is entirely dependant on a reaction to the MN of which, you (and baby) suffer the consequences.
There are so many options to consider, that only you can decide which one you are most comfortable with. The only one constant is that the MN/Narcissist will never change, only worsen.
Every single possibility has its own frightening and isolating consequences, each one is as scary as the other. But you have it in you to see through the adversity and overcome. Remember, the reason why the MN latched on to you is because you have something they want – goodness. Your overflowing goodness will, if you let it, outshine anything. Have faith in it.
Full awareness of this fact – a full and deep understanding that if it is bad now, it will get worse the older they get – means you will have the edge during any decision making periods.
You will have to play the long game and never forget that these creatures have no off switch.
You will need lots of support from other like minded individuals, to keep you strong and on path.
You will face challenges with your child growing up as they will take on some of the characteristics of their father (the Higher Authority). But, remember, these are conditioned characteristics which means that your good influence will combat and transform them. It is possible to tap in to their goodness and make it flourish over anything that the MN may try to do.
MN’s are born this way. You will know as soon as your child develops into a communicating being if they have been born that way too. If not, then you have a fighting chance of raising a child who believes in their own goodness and will see their father for what he is. Stay tight on your truth path and lead by example.
Should you be the father and your partner is a MN, you too have challenges because it is still an integral part of societal belief that a child always needs their mother more than their father, regardless of how much harm she may be causing.
I don’t have any answers for this one. Until Higher Authorities view things from a place of empathy rather than a place of automaton reason then, to some extent, your fate is in their hands.
The only thing I can recommend is to keep a journal, find an empathic Higher Authority to keep in touch with and build up a support group – catalogue everything.
Regardless of what you decide, there will be many challenges ahead. Accepting that the MN/Narcissist will never change but worsen, means you remove yourself from a stance of delusion and into a stance of awareness. This awareness will help improve your strength.
I can not emphasise enough how important it is to never fool yourself into believing that they will improve, this is a dangerous thing to do.
About the only time the MN/Narcissist will let you (and baby should you decide to have it) go is when something/someone comes along who has more Narcissistic value than yourself (and child). Pity the person (and hope it is an object such as career rather than a person) but also see that opportunity for what it is – a get out.
– Always work from the perception that MN/Narcissist will never change but worsen
– Keep a journal (and keep it hidden) so that you have written, dated proof should you ever need it
– Spend time finding and slowly build up trust with a good Higher Authority so they get to know your character, trust you and in turn will protect you under their HA umbrella
– Build up a network within your community that have empathic qualities, a clear sense of right and wrong and are willing to stand up for them (this again, needs to be built up slowly to watch their patterns of behaviour to see if that is the case)
– For every harmful thing the MN does, combat it with a double dose of goodness
– Spend as much time with your child in nature and help build up empathy and compassion during these times by introducing animals (try to avoid pets, rather use wildlife to help child) and gardening
– Sing to your child as often as you can – sing and dance, this touches parts of the soul
– Socialise your children, as much as possible, with a wide variety of people (culturally, religious, intellectually, spiritually) who all have goodness as their foundation
– Always keep an eye out for opportunities of being able to create a life for you and your child away from the MN
– Should you have decided to terminate the pregnancy, then please take time to recover (mentally, spiritually and physically) and then try to tap into that strength once more to use it for yourself to find a way to leave
My next post will be about MN teenagers as I feel this post is long enough.
Let me know if you think I have missed anything and I will continue.