This, I will admit, is something I have struggled to understand and to implement – you can’t properly implement something you don’t understand. People who want to use and abuse you for their own means will sense your wavering.
I have spent many years researching but even to this day I am faced with MN/Narcissists imposing in my life. Granted, it has become a lot faster to smell a rat but I am still susceptible to falling for it/being deceived.
I had said in a comment to a reader, within my last post, that I was aware of some of my weak points (regarding who still had the capacity to pull the wool over my eyes to a certain extent) and why this happens but it was still a working progress on maintaining full awareness from the outset.
Of course, this is due to a life of priming and self fulfilling their priming.
But, I asked myself, considering I am now aware of the priming and self fulfilling the priming, why then did I still have a little beacon for MN/Narcissists to be drawn to and test?
I suppose this post is in respect to Asmira, a new friend who follows this blog. She noted that MN Higher Authorities (or even just peer MN/Narcissists) will see your priming and how would one then find good HA’s (or peer)?
How does one discern?
I have spoken a lot, in fact made it my mantra, about “discerning and standing firm” to your truth path.
But, as Asmira has noted, how does one discern?
Its all very well and good for me to say – you have woken up to the abuse, you are of worth, you are valued and now discern and stand firm to follow your truth path – but if you have been primed your entire life how are you, the good person, meant to know the difference between healthy modes and damaging modes?
During my research, I kept on reading about “Maintaining boundaries” and “Children of MN’s/Narcissists were never allowed to have boundaries” and it flummoxed me when analysing what this thing called “Boundaries” were.
It felt like some secret key to salvation that I wasn’t privy to, that I heard all the cool kids speaking about while I hid behind the door listening. A kind of super club where all the happy people lived.
A club that I was never invited into and the kind where I made myself believe that it was a rubbish club anyway so not worth any more attention (while still secretly listening to what these cool kids said).
Ok, a boundary is a line in the sand. A moat around a castle. A border between countries. A warning when a child crosses a line, pushes you too much.
This is my space and that is yours. You are allowed to enter into my space with my permission but it is not a permanent residency. I have given you rules and you are now testing me to see if they are for real.
I am for real.
Now based on this, what I did in order to understand this surreal concept, was to place this into my life.
I was shocked to discover that my entire life had been without boundaries. Every time I had been angry (without realising what the term was called but still feeling betrayed) with my HA’s (and their followers, as well as my peers who believed them) it was because they gave me into trouble and justified abuse whenever I so much as tried to have my own personal space, have my own moat, have my border, and be able to reprimand someone for pushing me into compliance.
A boundary is so very important to a humans integrity, morality, character, intelligence – in fact, having boundaries it pretty much central to who you are as a person.
Having your boundaries beaten out of you (physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally) means you are left like Switzerland – believing you are doing good but harbouring some of the most malignant buggers in the world because you just don’t understand that you are the fool, not the enlightened.
You need, need, need to have a clear sense of right and wrong, have a clear sense of your likes and dislikes, have a clear sense of your direction.
If you have none of those and are easily swayed (some may think this is enlightened behaviour but really it is damaged behaviour) to falling for a great argument/charm then this is what I call; boundary-less.
Your sense of self has been so utterly and completely destroyed throughout your lifetime, you have never been allowed to determine your senses, never been allowed to build up and branch out through maturity your sense of character and sense of others, that of course, you will be swayed by a convincing story/argument/charm! Of course!
You are, like everyone else, searching for meaning but have spent your life being beaten down in every manner possible to not think, not feel, not believe (in anything except them), not value yourself.
You escape from the clutches of the MN/Narcissist and you look back on your life for clues of what you should do now and you are left with nothing…no idea, you think you can just amble along and something will come up, surely, something will come up because after all, shit never sticks twice and surely, surely! you have gone through more than your share of travesty – of nightmares…surely, it is your time now to live, breathe and be happy surrounded by those cool kids who are in the know?
No, its not. You have started the wheels in motion, thats excellent. You have awoken and determined that you life is worth living – you have many dreams that you want to follow and why not, you are a good person who (with a bit of hard work) can fulfil those dreams – so, why do I keep attracting the same kind of people that I have escaped from?
You ask. I asked. Lets explore.
Boundaries. I think its the key to being able to discern and follow your truth path.
When I started to fully realise that this wasn’t some stupid cool kids club, it was pivotal to your truth path and sustaining healthy relationships filled with integrity and respect, I then started to analyse further.
To you, the healthy person, this may seem like a given. But, to those who have trained to believe that it is abnormal and worthy of punishment, then it is a surreal thing to comprehend.
I have decided to re-name boundaries as ‘maintaining yourself’,
You are allowed to maintain yourself – it is your right as a fully sentient being. You were not born to be compliant to others, you were not given a brain to submit to others demands, and you were not given a body to serve others needs.
This is not feudal country.
Growing up, you will of course have to obey orders. Within a healthy environment this obeying will naturally progress to respecting your decision to maintain your own self.
Growing up you will have to obey orders but you will also be respected for being an individual and given space.
You will not be allowed to ‘push it’ but you will be allowed to explore yourself and the world within a structured and safe environment.
One of my first memories, looking back, when I was enraged and felt that I had been betrayed was when I was about 8 years old and someone had bought me a diary. It was nothing special, just a little diary with a lock and key.
I never locked it, hid it under my bed and took it out on a daily basis because I was so happy to have a little writing book for all my secrets….
I was 8, my life was boring, I had no secrets, had no friends, lived in a new country with people who bullied me, parents who were never around, looking after my siblings…so, I made some stuff up.
How this boy liked me (he didn’t, I had no friends), how I was going to this party (I wasn’t, no friends), how I fancied this celebrity (I didn’t even understand what this hormonal fancying meant but thought if I did it, it would help me make friends in this new country)…
My mum confronted me, shaking this diary at me, shouting and saying how disgusted she was with me, how I was disgusting, how I should be ashamed. I looked at her bewildered and said “You read my diary? It was hidden!”
Your damn right I read your diary, your disgusting and its disgusting and I don’t want to see your face ever again…it makes me sick, why I have to put up with you is beyond me. You are not allowed to have any secrets from me and this why you are not, because you are disgusting! I have ripped it up and thrown it out – and I will find and read anything else you decide to hide from me you horrible little thing.
Its about the only time I got my mothers attention, when she created reasons to punish me and did so. The rest of the time, I was ignored.
So, for as long as I remember I wasn’t allowed privacy. If I tried to have privacy, to explore life or even just be a curious child, I was demonised and severely punished – but always in secret, away from my fathers eyes (he was too busy being a garden variety Narcissist being adulated by the public).
I would be punished for anything my siblings did, even though I had to look after them, punished for anything…the choice was hard smacks over my mothers knee while my siblings had to stand and watch or solitary confinement (not being allowed to speak to anyone, not even my siblings) until I begged enough (via written notes left on the stair well) to my mothers satisfaction that I understood how evil a child I was.
I am now an adult and still, even with my cross road choice, I am still falling victim to opposites.
Not as much but still.
My advice to you;
Once you are aware and have started your journey, then build up and become aware of what you uncomfortable with, what your likes and dislikes are, allow exploration but from a stance of what you feel comfortable with, meet in the middle when it matters to both parties but keep set out your rules of conduct from the beginning.
If someone is healthy, they will only cross the line by accident and will apologise and never do it again, if someone is MN/Narcissist they will make you feel sub human (which is what they are, so it is always a form of projection with their hostility towards you) should you assert your character.
Remember, it is normal for each and every human being to have a character and explore it.
Know this, when a person swoops in, charms you, aligns themselves with your (wavering) goals, ambitions and character and then smashes them to the ground to make them look like a higher being (Malignant HA) – you know its not you, but them.
To avoid this (to a certain extent as it is a learning progress) you must spend time discovering and cementing your morals, passions, likes, needs and limits…should anyone come into your life who advocates them then tries to smash them up, that is when you need to discern and stand firm.
Good people will feel free to disagree but never try and pressure you into submitting to their will.
You always need to join with people from a place of being equal. Should anyone make you feel that you are below them (or above them), always feel uncomfortable with this. You need to meet people and form with people from an equal stance – different tastes, different beliefs, different intelligence but always equal ( take it in turns to be the swan and the feet).
Usually, Narcissist/MN’s lift you up to being above them in order to soften you. Then smash you down until you are no better than dog muck. Be wary when you are not meeting people from a stance of equality.
Then walk away.
I hope this has helped to clarify.
Good luck and feel free to ask me for more detail should it still confuse you because it is a surreal topic for those who have never been allowed any boundaries (self maintenance)