The Walking Narcissists – The True Living Dead

Narcissism, especially Malignant Narcissism, an overview

Month: July, 2013

My Brother and I

I stated in my last post that I would discuss my brother. I do feel uncomfortable with discussing specific events and I do struggle to write about them.

This is because I am not sure how to write about it. I am not sure if it would serve any purpose or have any relevance. Is it really necessary for me to give specific examples, in all of its glory, to emphasis my messages and understanding?

Perhaps. Perhaps not. So, until I am sure I will veer to the perhaps not.

However, I believe the specific story of my brother and I does serve a purpose.

It serves a purpose because he was a character disordered with narcissistic defensive qualities – like myself – and saw him follow in our dad‘s foot steps….then hit his cross roads and changed back to himself.

Our previously close relationship was smashed to the ground one fateful night about 6 months after I gave birth and I honestly thought that I had lost him. Not physically, as I knew where he was (I just emailed him saying I couldn’t let him near my family until I sure he was ok) but spiritually.

Before my eyes, I saw him take steps closer and closer to a no return Narcissist. I watched him emulate our dad – his mannerisms, chauvinism, misogyny, sexual perversion and aggression. It creeped into his very being insidiously and I knew it was only a matter of time before he turned on me.

6 months after giving birth he did.

We had been out for a birthday and got back to the hosts flat. My brother had left earlier as he had got into a fight with a group of men. I went to wake him up and he jumped on me. He started punching into my face, stomach and kidneys (he is an ex boxer so knows where to punch). As my stomach was still soft from giving birth, I felt his fists drill right deep into me.  He then started to strangle me. His eyes were dead and I knew he had left his body. This was no longer the brother that I raised and loved.

Of course, I fought back as hard as I could but he was on top of me and I couldn’t really bring myself to hurt him properly. I fought but not enough and he continued.

My sister managed to pull him off of me and he punched her in the stomach and pushed her to the ground then charged past me towards the door. I got up screaming and shouting and started punching his back. He turned around pushed me back to the ground and again, started punching me in the face and stomach. His punches were hard and fast – bang bang bang …alternating between the face and stomach.

My sister got him off of me again and he ran out the door.

Not one word was spoken by him, not one expression on his face, not a drop of life in those dead eyes. He wasn’t in his body and he would have killed me had my sister not been there.

I knew that that night was a danger night – when I arrived at the house, my brother had already transformed. He was a living and breathing replication of our dad.

I had told my partner that I didn’t want to go, my intuition was saying ‘danger’ – but, we both agreed that a night off from a challenging baby (who hated sleeping any longer than 15min) would do me good.

But, when I arrived and saw our dad living and breathing inside my brother I put up my walls and tried to keep my distance. He did what dad used to do and impose himself into my space. Cuddling me and trying to get my entire attention, listening to hugely over inflated ego dross and telling people to ‘suck his cock’ if they dared not sit in silence and listen. He told me and sister to do that and our brother in law said ‘ I hope you meant to say that to me cos thats your sisters!’

But, I knew my brother was ebbing away and being replaced with a monster. It wasn’t a matter of if but when, he would turn on me as I knew that predatory glare.

And so it happened.

I sat there crying once he left. Not for me or any pain I was in – I didnt feel any pain as I was fairly used to being used as a punching bag over the years and my pain threshold is inhuman because of it – but crying for witnessing my brother disappearing.

I had fought so hard to keep him good and true. To retain his beauty. Even when I had given birth I would text him with pep talks and remind him about how he was a one in a million, that he was a good kind person and to never let anyone tell him any different. I knew I was losing him and right before my eyes – right at the same time that I had reached my cross roads and awoken…He was going one way and I was going the other.

All I could do before that night was invite him for long walks with my son, text him to let him know that I believed in him and that he was a good person and try to talk to him normally even though I was looking at a soul ebbing away. But, he denied or dismissed these things and that was as much as I could do.

That night, my sister called the police saying that she is tired of everything being swept under the carpet and it was about time people took responsibility.

I told her that I would support her and thats what we did – we charged our brother with assault. It broke my heart.

My partner had to take a few days off, unpaid (which, considering he earns very little hit us hard) to look after our son as I couldn’t lift him or walk properly.

The injuries didn’t matter to me. It was knowing that he had chosen the wrong path and we would never be able to have a relationship ever again. He would never be able to go near his nephew.

He fled , never to be physically seen or heard from for the next 6 months.

He did text me a few days later to apologise. To let me know that he would never dream of hurting me ever, that we had always protected one another and he has no idea what happened – that it wasn’t him.

I believed him but told him that he was at his cross roads and he really needed to look around, wake up and get himself back on the right path or his soul would rot and there would be no return for him.

I sent him a few emails, while he hid from the reality. The first stating that it wasn’t his fault, that my sister and I love him and that our parents don’t know the meaning of being parents nor do they even feel that this was such a big deal. In fact, hints flew about that I had created this and my brother would never have done anything like to this us unless he was provoked.

There is so much wrong to that kind of thinking, but am sure you readers have the intelligence to work it out for yourself.

Another email I sent describe the ‘mob family’ and the ‘healthy family’ models. The last was requesting that he researched about Malignant Narcissism, emotional incest (in other words, parentifying) and post traumatic (complex).

The last email he replied with “cool, will take a look cheers.”

It became apparent that his initial shame was being swept away because he saw no repercussions, our parents still went out with him (rewarding him with drinks and job opportunities)….he was getting further and further away as I was made the scapegoat.

6 months later, he emailed me saying he wanted to talk. I don’t know, after all of that time, but I agreed.

On the day of meeting he called frantically and said the police had been in touch and he had to either go to the city and hand himself in or a warrant would be sent out.

He begged me and sister to re tract our statements. My father laughed at how ridiculous and over dramatic my sister and I were being, and stupid for pressing charges and potentially ruining our brothers career life.

My sister and I were under pressure to retract but we both refused to let this be swept under the carpet. He almost strangled me to death, interfered with me caring for my new born and financially made us struggle. My sister was distraught and so was I.

We both agreed that if he took responsibility by himself then we would write to the courts.

I met him that day and he said that he was wholly ashamed by what happened. He said he felt like he had been possessed and could not remember a single thing about it. That he knew all we had was each other and had spent our lives looking out for each other. He said it didnt feel real and that he had tried to avoid it because he couldn’t believe it actually happened.

I believed him.

I brought that boy up, I protected him, I cared for him, I guided him and any time he needed help I was always there for him. I was effectively his mother.

After something horrible happened to me during my teenage years (of which my parents ostracised me for lying), it was my brothers turn to look after me, protect me, guide me and follow me through the chaos. He became my parent.

When he battered me and his eyes were dead, I know that it was a re living of trauma he had witnessed as a child against me by my father, mother and uncle. He took on my dads personality prior to it and then ended just as my dad had done when I was a kid.

He re lived his trauma.

We hugged and I told him that I never gave up hope for him. That if we work really hard we can stop this cycle with our parents and their brother and sisters (and their children). That we can overcome.

He left and I knew that all I could do was just observe.

He has been in touch and he has got a new farm house, living in the country (I told him last year that his personality needed to be near nature as he was a gentle soul). He has also been offered a high earning position, he is saving for a mortgage and most importantly – he sounded genuinely happy and at peace.

And that is all I wanted for him. And that is what I heard. And that is why I know he fought against the demons, the conditioning, the Narcissism abuse and found his truth path.

There was alot of pain and anguish, but if that night was what it took for my brother to fight for and keep his soul then I would happily do it all over again.

I wish him well.

You did it, against all odds.

I love you brother.


Update: 3 hours after posting.

About an hour after publishing we left to meet my partner. The phone rang and it was my brother.

“Wow, thats funny I was just thinking about you.”

He told me about his job and his new home and I told him I was immensely happy for him. That everything was coming together for him and I was really pleased.

Silence…’Well, yeh the only thing thats left is this court date for what happened.’ My heart dropped a little as I knew where this was going.

Yeh well brother, once thats dealt with then you will be able to move forward in a healthy way and it will be the end of one chapter and a new move into the next.

I knew that this wasn’t what he wanted but it was worth a shot – a subtle appeal to him to act with integrity. To do what was right.

He told me that the solicitor said that he should plead not guilty and get his sister and I to write another letter to the procurator fiscal saying that we were drunk and in actual fact, we can’t remember any of it. If we didn’t do this then it was more than likely he would get prison time because of his previous assaults on his record.

My heart dropped even more.

‘So you want me to say that I lied? Because I remember every single part of that night, even to this day.’

He told me that his solicitor was pleading not guilty this Friday and if we could get letters in saying that we were drunk and in actual fact, had no idea what really happened, then there was a good chance he would get off.

…and you move on with your new house, new family, new high paid job while your sisters are branded as liars.

I’ve spent my life defending myself…Ive always been called a liar to hide their secrets.  And now, my brother wanted me to publicly state this to save his skin from something he did and make us look like fools.

And all this happened while I tried to show my readers a positive story of someone overcoming this soul disease.

But it hasn’t happened. If he does go to court and plead not guilty, it will mean that my sister and I will have to go to court and speak against him – publicly.

He will publicly argue against our version of events and, along with his solicitor, try and persuade the courts that we are liars and drunks. How far will it go? Will it be like the TV and a total annihilation of my character or is that too dramatic? Will it be stating our side and then leaving it to a judge to decide who speaks the truth?

I asked my brother on the phone if pleading not guilty the wisest thing to do? That I wouldn’t be comfortable lying to the court and that we had already written letters on his behalf, asking the court to drop the charges because he had shown real shame, took responsibility and it was the catalyst for him starting a new chapter and not following down our parents path. That this was the only reason why we had reconciled; because he was showing real and true remorse through accountability and follow through.

He said he never gave those letters to the court and he would have to read them again to remember what they said.

I was gobsmacked and disappointed.

I told him that I couldn’t speak for sister but I wasn’t comfortable with saying we were being stupid drunks and lied.

He said that he agreed and thought he would just let me know what the solicitor said but was pleading not guilty.

So, now we wait for Friday.

I don’t know whats going to happen, but so far I feel conned.

Depending on what happens, depending on if my brother acts through integrity and conscious or on sacrificing us for his success – then I may or may not be publicly pitted against my brother.

This post has turned from a positive glimmer of hope, to my embarrassment, a post showing that I can still be fooled.

I hope for his sake, he does the right thing.

Malignant Narcissism Era – Example and proof one

When the middle and lower classes are falling into sickness, disease, dysfunction and breaking down…while the upper classes and authorities are building castles, rising in glory and indulging to excess while pointing the finger to the sick for being so disgusting and charge them accordingly, by way of punishment.

Complex Post Traumatic Stress

I believe that everyone has heard of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Usually, it is in the context of ex military staff after they have returned home.

Having been trained and conditioned to be one way, within a supremely threatening environment – kill or be killed, defend, fight, switch off and rely on their conditioning/training in order to survive, survival of the fittest and/or luckiest.

No, I have never been in the military but I have lived my life within a supremely threatening environment.

PTSD is when a person has been switched off, trained and has to do anything in order to survive, watch anything and still survive. Then, when that person finds themselves in a new environment, a safe environment  (in comparison to before) the mind, body and soul no longer needs to protect you from the trauma and feels that you are in a safe enough environment to  release and deal with it.

Every sensation, sight, smell, pain, grief, real memory, false memory releases itself onto you and comes seeping through the walls at you….suffocating you until you don’t know reality from hallucination

Pupils widen and eyes blacken, bones stiffen, muscles retract as muscles do because they have memories too…fight or flight overcomes you and adrenalin blasts into your system while faces around you turn malevolent.

With luck, you will come back to reality with no harm done to yourself or to others. Some, are not so lucky.

Should you come out of it, should the world return to you and you look around and think “All that person did was laugh at a joke that was made” or “All I did was hear a car beep its horn” or anything else mundane ….but, that was all it took before you were catapulted back into hell. That is all it took.

And then you are left to deal with the fall out, deal with the fear from others who witnessed it, deal with any self harm or harm to others personhood/property and try and build yourself back up; always with the fear of it coming back without warning.

Now, this seems like a cruel thing for your own body to do to you…a cruel, debilitating thing to do to someone that had been through a traumatic period, such as war, and wants to get on with life in the safest environment he/she can find.

However, should you have been fully exposed to the horror in its entirety at that time, your chance of survival to a safer environment would be reduced to nil.

You would have died of shock, literally.

By shutting down parts of your sensory depth, storing and hiding deep within the true depth of the horror – your body protects you as much as it can so you have, at least a chance higher than nil to survive and find safety.

Once you have found a place that is safer than the horror, such as a soldier returning home, then your body is safe to release this toxin. And, release it it must.

For if it did not then it would fester and rot your insides to the core and all of that previous work of protecting you from death, for trying to give a small chance of survival, no matter how small,  would have been for nothing. It would be a definite death but slower and more torturous.

It is the natural expulsion of venom and rot and unfortunately it has to come through you and be displayed before you, for the ultimate goal of recovery through acceptance to happen. 

It has no other way, but while this is happening and each time it happens, it tries to keep your soul safe by removing your soul to a safer place – what I believe psychologists call de personalisation.

Its like having two of you, one watching from a third person stance and the other re living it.

You come back into yourself and the full horror is there but again, your body and mind did what it could to give you your survival chance while it exuding the rot and tried to protect your being while it happened.

We all live and make sense of the world before us through sensory understanding…to make sense of things, we try to figure them out. It is no different when you have been through trauma and have a safer environment to compare and contrast the trauma.

It is this two conflicting environmental experiences that produce our numbness…we are faced with two very different worlds to inhabit and until we figure out and make sense of the trauma, we go numb with being overwhelmed with the challenge it presents.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can be a killer. More than often it is by the victims own hand, rather than another’s. The dual living, dual realities, dual dissonance and third person viewing without the correct professional help is a hell that should only be fit for those who put us through the trauma.

However, to live in hell, one must travel through it to get out. Once out, the overwhelming exhaustion of the journey consumes you and those hellish tentacles grasp at your ankles, giving it one last huge push to drag you back in.

You have come this far and suffered the worst. The expulsion of the rot is a necessary part of healing and you are in a safe place to do just that, however terrifying it is. It is also necessary because it has no place in the new (or returned to, such as military personnel coming home) environment you are in now. But, you must get help from those who understand trauma. Remember, you are exhausted from living in hell then walking through hell and fighting – forever fighting to protect who you are – and a ‘guide’ of sorts will support your exhaustion and assist with re wiring to help with adapting into the new (or returned to) environment.

It is hard to trust others after the past trauma, and even harder when in such a vulnerable state. But, you had the courage and tenacity to fight and survive and now you must have the courage and tenacity to reach out.

I would suggest finding trauma victims and ask them who they found to be of help. Such as military groups, disaster groups etc. Look for those who have fully recovered and living healthy and happy lives, that would give you a good indication of the kind of genuine support they have had. Its a start.

Now, obviously PTSD isnt exclusive to military personnel, as first thought. It covers abuse victims, natural disaster victims, mechanical disasters such as train wrecks etc. It can happen to anyone who witnesses a horrible scene or been subjected to it.

Once overcome, one will eventually be able to make peace with it – have the memory sit within but be able to comfortably move within this world on your truth path.

The title of this post is called Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

This is when a person goes through trauma and moves in and out of ‘safe environments’ – like living in hell, moving into better place then being dragged back into hell – with all of the retention of horror, expulsion of horror included.

Over and over and over again, ad infinitum.

As above within the setting of PTSD but in a cyclical rhythm. Not once, not even twice, but repeatedly.

It doesn’t even have to be a repeat from the original horror but new horrors, of equal/greater trauma. However, these will always be because of the base horror. Because the original trauma was never overcome. 

There is no end, no beginning. Horror and reality intertwine, truth and lies become truthlies, nothing feels safe, nothing seems right, every person becomes a threat as you no longer know if you have been dragged back into hell or if you are in a good place. Hell seeps more and more and corrupts insidiously.

Hell becomes your reality and you become hell.

The eyes peer back from the abyss, and hands wrap around you whispering “come back to what you know”.

You can’t stand on the edge, you have to move far far from the edge. Don’t invite hell, as it never denies an invite.

In order to get out of C-PTSD, you must remove yourself entirely from everything that was in hell.

Not isolate yourself, but a removal of self from hell and those living in hell.

You have tasted the other side, but not getting the chance to thrive and its wearing you down. It will wear you down and you will feel again.

Geographical removal, disappearing, getting a new identity, changing your name, checking in to a rehab clinic, changing your number and email etc. these are all options for moving as far away from the edge as you can possibly go.

Once this is done, the expulsion of the rot will begin and you will have to re live and make sense of the horror. For me, it took just over a year. For others it didn’t take as long and for others still, it took longer. It all depends and is subjective.

But, know this. It is a natural process and the final part of your long, hard and horrendous journey.

The tentacles will try and find you, you will even try and retreat back into their hands but resist. This is conditioning rearing its ugly head and fighting for its survival. But, its a parasite and you don’t want it living off of you.

The new world you find yourself in is something you don’t trust. This is natural because of the hell you had previously lived in.  Everything is foreign and there is a potential threat in everything.

There are threats but unable to discern, it is safer to blanket everything as threat.

Take time to yourself, go through the process but have the courage to reach out and open yourself to the sights, feeling and sounds of the new world. Someone will extend a hand and guide you through the awakening.

It takes an incredible amount of trust and courage, but you have this in spades. Use the survival weapons you had before but turn them into living tools. Fight not against but for. Trust that there is love but know that learning what it is truly will take time.

Have patience, just as a student shows patience of the process from novice to master, and you will recover into acceptance and awareness.

There are dangers, I will never deny this but in the new world you live in they are spliced by good.

C-PTSD is recoverable but one must move away from the edge.

The crossroads will appear and when you step onto your truth path you will see the world for what it is. You will have the tools to traverse through danger with the knowledge that having lived and breathed hell and not only survived but now live within the world – 

Nothing will ever affect you to that degree again.

But, you must reach that place of acceptance. Acceptance of yourself. The grieving stages help to grieve for the delusion you lived in, the child you were, the parents you wished you had, the world you lived in, the hope lost, the exhaustion – it is mourning with the final stage being acceptance.

Remember, we are wonderfully crafted sentient beings and this world does have beauty, does have depth, does have connection and feeling. You deserve to feel everything in this world but you must lower the bridge across the moat and walk out.

It will take time, it will require more pain but in order to have a clean start, one must put in the hours.

Life can be cruel, I wish that I could wave a magic wand over everyone who has been subjected to long term trauma and let them move on without the additional healing process pain. However, it is essential to go through this for no other reason than to gain a deep understanding of just how strong and courageous you were when going through it.

Re connect with yourself and then extend it to others – and enjoy the new chapter with new challenges and developments but with you in control and more sure of yourself than ever before.

It is a painful process but this is your chance for a re birth,  a personal universal clearing and for the rest of your life you will see through fresh, wise eyes.

Good Luck and my thoughts to you all, especially in your darkest times. I believe in your strength and offer you mine whenever you need it.

I think my next post will centre around my brother. He has come back to me and I would like to share that experience.