Complex Post Traumatic Stress
by annedeloremusing
I believe that everyone has heard of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Usually, it is in the context of ex military staff after they have returned home.
Having been trained and conditioned to be one way, within a supremely threatening environment – kill or be killed, defend, fight, switch off and rely on their conditioning/training in order to survive, survival of the fittest and/or luckiest.
No, I have never been in the military but I have lived my life within a supremely threatening environment.
PTSD is when a person has been switched off, trained and has to do anything in order to survive, watch anything and still survive. Then, when that person finds themselves in a new environment, a safe environment (in comparison to before) the mind, body and soul no longer needs to protect you from the trauma and feels that you are in a safe enough environment to release and deal with it.
Every sensation, sight, smell, pain, grief, real memory, false memory releases itself onto you and comes seeping through the walls at you….suffocating you until you don’t know reality from hallucination
Pupils widen and eyes blacken, bones stiffen, muscles retract as muscles do because they have memories too…fight or flight overcomes you and adrenalin blasts into your system while faces around you turn malevolent.
With luck, you will come back to reality with no harm done to yourself or to others. Some, are not so lucky.
Should you come out of it, should the world return to you and you look around and think “All that person did was laugh at a joke that was made” or “All I did was hear a car beep its horn” or anything else mundane ….but, that was all it took before you were catapulted back into hell. That is all it took.
And then you are left to deal with the fall out, deal with the fear from others who witnessed it, deal with any self harm or harm to others personhood/property and try and build yourself back up; always with the fear of it coming back without warning.
Now, this seems like a cruel thing for your own body to do to you…a cruel, debilitating thing to do to someone that had been through a traumatic period, such as war, and wants to get on with life in the safest environment he/she can find.
However, should you have been fully exposed to the horror in its entirety at that time, your chance of survival to a safer environment would be reduced to nil.
You would have died of shock, literally.
By shutting down parts of your sensory depth, storing and hiding deep within the true depth of the horror – your body protects you as much as it can so you have, at least a chance higher than nil to survive and find safety.
Once you have found a place that is safer than the horror, such as a soldier returning home, then your body is safe to release this toxin. And, release it it must.
For if it did not then it would fester and rot your insides to the core and all of that previous work of protecting you from death, for trying to give a small chance of survival, no matter how small, would have been for nothing. It would be a definite death but slower and more torturous.
It is the natural expulsion of venom and rot and unfortunately it has to come through you and be displayed before you, for the ultimate goal of recovery through acceptance to happen.
It has no other way, but while this is happening and each time it happens, it tries to keep your soul safe by removing your soul to a safer place – what I believe psychologists call de personalisation.
Its like having two of you, one watching from a third person stance and the other re living it.
You come back into yourself and the full horror is there but again, your body and mind did what it could to give you your survival chance while it exuding the rot and tried to protect your being while it happened.
We all live and make sense of the world before us through sensory understanding…to make sense of things, we try to figure them out. It is no different when you have been through trauma and have a safer environment to compare and contrast the trauma.
It is this two conflicting environmental experiences that produce our numbness…we are faced with two very different worlds to inhabit and until we figure out and make sense of the trauma, we go numb with being overwhelmed with the challenge it presents.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can be a killer. More than often it is by the victims own hand, rather than another’s. The dual living, dual realities, dual dissonance and third person viewing without the correct professional help is a hell that should only be fit for those who put us through the trauma.
However, to live in hell, one must travel through it to get out. Once out, the overwhelming exhaustion of the journey consumes you and those hellish tentacles grasp at your ankles, giving it one last huge push to drag you back in.
You have come this far and suffered the worst. The expulsion of the rot is a necessary part of healing and you are in a safe place to do just that, however terrifying it is. It is also necessary because it has no place in the new (or returned to, such as military personnel coming home) environment you are in now. But, you must get help from those who understand trauma. Remember, you are exhausted from living in hell then walking through hell and fighting – forever fighting to protect who you are – and a ‘guide’ of sorts will support your exhaustion and assist with re wiring to help with adapting into the new (or returned to) environment.
It is hard to trust others after the past trauma, and even harder when in such a vulnerable state. But, you had the courage and tenacity to fight and survive and now you must have the courage and tenacity to reach out.
I would suggest finding trauma victims and ask them who they found to be of help. Such as military groups, disaster groups etc. Look for those who have fully recovered and living healthy and happy lives, that would give you a good indication of the kind of genuine support they have had. Its a start.
Now, obviously PTSD isnt exclusive to military personnel, as first thought. It covers abuse victims, natural disaster victims, mechanical disasters such as train wrecks etc. It can happen to anyone who witnesses a horrible scene or been subjected to it.
Once overcome, one will eventually be able to make peace with it – have the memory sit within but be able to comfortably move within this world on your truth path.
The title of this post is called Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
This is when a person goes through trauma and moves in and out of ‘safe environments’ – like living in hell, moving into better place then being dragged back into hell – with all of the retention of horror, expulsion of horror included.
Over and over and over again, ad infinitum.
As above within the setting of PTSD but in a cyclical rhythm. Not once, not even twice, but repeatedly.
It doesn’t even have to be a repeat from the original horror but new horrors, of equal/greater trauma. However, these will always be because of the base horror. Because the original trauma was never overcome.
There is no end, no beginning. Horror and reality intertwine, truth and lies become truthlies, nothing feels safe, nothing seems right, every person becomes a threat as you no longer know if you have been dragged back into hell or if you are in a good place. Hell seeps more and more and corrupts insidiously.
Hell becomes your reality and you become hell.
The eyes peer back from the abyss, and hands wrap around you whispering “come back to what you know”.
You can’t stand on the edge, you have to move far far from the edge. Don’t invite hell, as it never denies an invite.
In order to get out of C-PTSD, you must remove yourself entirely from everything that was in hell.
Not isolate yourself, but a removal of self from hell and those living in hell.
You have tasted the other side, but not getting the chance to thrive and its wearing you down. It will wear you down and you will feel again.
Geographical removal, disappearing, getting a new identity, changing your name, checking in to a rehab clinic, changing your number and email etc. these are all options for moving as far away from the edge as you can possibly go.
Once this is done, the expulsion of the rot will begin and you will have to re live and make sense of the horror. For me, it took just over a year. For others it didn’t take as long and for others still, it took longer. It all depends and is subjective.
But, know this. It is a natural process and the final part of your long, hard and horrendous journey.
The tentacles will try and find you, you will even try and retreat back into their hands but resist. This is conditioning rearing its ugly head and fighting for its survival. But, its a parasite and you don’t want it living off of you.
The new world you find yourself in is something you don’t trust. This is natural because of the hell you had previously lived in. Everything is foreign and there is a potential threat in everything.
There are threats but unable to discern, it is safer to blanket everything as threat.
Take time to yourself, go through the process but have the courage to reach out and open yourself to the sights, feeling and sounds of the new world. Someone will extend a hand and guide you through the awakening.
It takes an incredible amount of trust and courage, but you have this in spades. Use the survival weapons you had before but turn them into living tools. Fight not against but for. Trust that there is love but know that learning what it is truly will take time.
Have patience, just as a student shows patience of the process from novice to master, and you will recover into acceptance and awareness.
There are dangers, I will never deny this but in the new world you live in they are spliced by good.
C-PTSD is recoverable but one must move away from the edge.
The crossroads will appear and when you step onto your truth path you will see the world for what it is. You will have the tools to traverse through danger with the knowledge that having lived and breathed hell and not only survived but now live within the world –
Nothing will ever affect you to that degree again.
But, you must reach that place of acceptance. Acceptance of yourself. The grieving stages help to grieve for the delusion you lived in, the child you were, the parents you wished you had, the world you lived in, the hope lost, the exhaustion – it is mourning with the final stage being acceptance.
Remember, we are wonderfully crafted sentient beings and this world does have beauty, does have depth, does have connection and feeling. You deserve to feel everything in this world but you must lower the bridge across the moat and walk out.
It will take time, it will require more pain but in order to have a clean start, one must put in the hours.
Life can be cruel, I wish that I could wave a magic wand over everyone who has been subjected to long term trauma and let them move on without the additional healing process pain. However, it is essential to go through this for no other reason than to gain a deep understanding of just how strong and courageous you were when going through it.
Re connect with yourself and then extend it to others – and enjoy the new chapter with new challenges and developments but with you in control and more sure of yourself than ever before.
It is a painful process but this is your chance for a re birth, a personal universal clearing and for the rest of your life you will see through fresh, wise eyes.
Good Luck and my thoughts to you all, especially in your darkest times. I believe in your strength and offer you mine whenever you need it.
I think my next post will centre around my brother. He has come back to me and I would like to share that experience.
The Walking Narcissists - The True Living Dead 
This is a very helpful post. It describes so much of what I feel. I’m not diagnosed, but I believe this is what I have. Still working toward that diagnosis, but more important working toward healing.
I’m going to bookmark your site and come back to visit. I’m looking forward to your post about your brother. I’ve gone NC with my family of origin recently and my brother sent a text to me today. But I’m not ready to respond.
He is the family member I miss the most. But there is a lot of hurt there too.
Thanks for this post.
[…] Complex Post Traumatic Stress (walkingnarcissists.wordpress.com) […]
Hi Annie ,Thank you for visiting and you are more than welcome
Im glad that this post has been of use to you…I can fully appreciate how terrifying it is and do hope that you find someone who can support you through it. Remember that it is not be a permanent state and it is not your identity…it is a by product of trauma and not who you are as a person.
It is entirely situational, don’t let anyone make you believe any different.
Yes, my next post will be about my brother…it is up to you about letting your brother in but try not to rush in to anything…take as much time as you need before acting (either contacting him or not) – during your vulnerable stage it is important not to rush any actions and not let anyone force you into making a quick decision…I hope you find my next post to be of use
Take care and feel free to explore how you feel here at any time
[…] Complex Post Traumatic Stress (walkingnarcissists.wordpress.com) […]
[…] Complex Post Traumatic Stress (walkingnarcissists.wordpress.com) […]
Hi Anne,
Your words here are very true and helpful. Thank you for writing this. Your deeply caring and empathic spirit shines through. I will follow your blog and look forward to reading much more.
Caren
Thank you so much for your generous thoughts…know that you have that and more. Know that you have the understanding all you need to do is trust yourself
Take care and I welcome you here at any time with your input
This is going to sound weird, but I literally hugged my computer crying. This is such a confirmation of what I am going through. My family seems fine, but my whole upbringing was so so so incredibly regimented, alienated, and “PERFECT” that I am pretty much a robot. A so called “beautiful”, degreed, 26 year old who has never been in a relationship because dating before engagement (I still don’t understand that one – of course they probably made eyes at one another and went out on a few dates, but still, it was with marriage on the mind) after 2 years of additional schooling after college was aberrant. I’m getting me an office job, an apartment, some Louboutins…. And although I still want to be a part of the faith I was raised in, we need to have a serious re-evaluation hurr. Because staying in this environment is staying around the damn edge.
And the not having said office job was a sad attempt at living in that and a somewhat similar environment and controlling everyone’s reaction to me, out of my belief that I would get harassed in an office job – ending up with my becoming the “argumentative one”. And not being fully independent is something that I now regret deeply. It is my dearest wish to find that $25 an hour full time job that will allow me the freedom to be whoever the f*** I want. Pardon my french. Its just liberating to speak my mind.
And if I’m harassed, ain’t THAT what therapy is for? Not for someone with PTSD who is idly lollygagging in traumatization central, and wondering (WAKE UPPPP!) why the PTSD just WON’T go away?
Hi Anonymous
Thank you for replying with such passion – let that passion drive you into your next stages of life and remember that fury and anger is your bodies way of telling the world, enough is enough! I am worthy of being my own person (as much as I can be in this world) and I am not a robot.
Your anger, fury and passion are incredible tools to show that you are alive and you are not a robot. Harness those emotions to drive you through, giving you the strength to carve out a small piece that is all yours and protect it with the strength I can see quite clearly that you have.
And yes, moving away from the toxins will inevitably rid yourself of ill health (mentally, physically and spiritually) but you need to be able to discern from unhealthy environments and healthy ones – the whole point of complex PTSD is that the person has it repeated due to following the unhealthy pattern of old into their future.
Good luck with finding that job you want and you are welcome here any time to vent
Anne
as I wipe my gut wrenching tears from my face as they pour from down as I read your post….I am morbidly relieved yet still in the depths of hell and therefore, find myself wiping my tears, saying to myself, ?WTF I knew it! so now what the hell do I do? who can rescue me? iI am all alone in a remote town in OKLAHOMA and am a New Yorker with nothing and no one but my N lesbian abuser, N father, dead mother, ex N man, myself, my puppy and my ghosts….oh and my mind….is anyone out there with REAL solutions that are feasible and allow me to be a dignified victim???
Hi Jill
I understand how scary it is when you come to the realisation…realisation of everything and it still comes, still haunts you…with no one – even when you scream for help, it seems no one is listening
But, they are listening Jill…for else why have you come to this level of awareness…I spoke about how this toxin has to come out of you and be presented before you …its because you are aware and you need to have this stage in order for you to process and find acceptance
I know the word acceptance is an abhorrent one, given the trauma…but I can assure you that this word isnt a floaty flaky word – it is a stupid word but the shift within is so real and cant happen until you traverse the grief process
Our bodies and minds need process, Jill…even the tears are part of it…a diginified part
Only you can rescue you – you can have support from others, can have networks, but we are all travelling our own paths and it is up to us to say ‘I value me’…
You take what you need and throw the rest away…for me, I had absolutely no idea how wrong my family were and was even willing to kill myself to save them (of which, they never fought to save my life and actually encourage ill thoughts from others) until I met my partner, then had my son….my partner started the ball rolling and my son solidified it.
I was lucky, very lucky…for if I didn’t meet my partner, if I didnt have my son then I would probably be dead …but that was the way my own destiny laid out…I had travelled the world since I was 15 and been put in serious life threatening situations as well as creating them myself and it seemed, my destiny was having a child to wake up
You, have woken up by yourself – I spent my life alone, you are alone…but this is superficial Jill…I remember saying ‘who is in my army, who is defending me?’…Once I started to defend myself, I have found an abundance of loyal defenders
You have to remember Jill, people have their own territories to defend, given the climate today…they will defend you if you invest as much worth within yourself but they cant defend and protect if you put no investment in either
Please feel free to email me should you need it, as I know full well about isolation when you are living through trauma – its nothing more than paying it forward
Anne
And Jill, on a more practical note…what helped strengthen me is long walks through nature…wherever you find you an abundance of trees, less people and more nature…and just keep walking….if you need to scream, scream….if you need to punch, punch….whatever you need to do let nature take it…dont feel self concious….release that…walk and walk and keep on walking even past when your head says stop….
Again, this sounds wishy swashy, but walk
Wow, the horror of this this disorder seems as if we’re all pleading for the same SOS’s. http://lifeonnars.blogspot.com/2013/02/without-bruises.html
Yes, I do think it is one of the most ‘undervalued’ disorders to experience in terms of misunderstanding the extent of how lethal it can be to the person and society at large.
It is incredibly destructive and will remain so, until those in authority recognise the lethal webs trauma environments trap the victim in and yet, do not search for the spider who has spun the web but blame the chaos on the victim who struggles within it.
Thank you for your comment and all the best to you
Hi Anne, I am wondering if you remember me? I have been reading your blog but just havent’ been online so often these days. I was going to write to you privately, but then I thought, maybe my words, questions, would help someone else who may be in the same type of situation? I think you may remember that I have been on disability for a painful nerve disease (RSD/CRPS) and CKDII and a bit more….that’s neither here nor there…but just reminding you in case you don’t remember me? I was diagnosed in 1998 with PTSD and “Battered womens syndrome”….since then I’ve gone off and on to get help and I have met a great therapist who allows me to email him if I cannot afford to go in, which is very kind and I hardly ever do it because I dont want to take advantage. Anyways…I had told him about you and read him some of your blog and he said that is “me perfectly…the COMPLEX PTSD”….I didnt’ know about it before you wrote it and I read it, but he knew and just didnt call it that I guess, until now…LOL…
OK …so that’s not my point today….I’m getting off track…sorry…I dont know if you remember that I have a horribly abusive MN father and 2 older brothers of the same. My mom died in 2002 and she was abusive as well. You may remember my oldest daughter left home 9 yrs ago …after I raised her and her younger sister mostly by myself. I had full custody and their father couldnt see them w/o a supervisor. He moved far away to Maine from MI. I worked full time and was a single mother, going to all school functions, taking forgotten homework and lunches to my girls and attending everything and anything for them to feel loved and cared for.
So their father wasnt around, but at ages 11 and 13 1/2 he sent them cell phones. So he could “get into our home and ruin it”!!! He lied and tried to turn them against me and it worked with the oldest. He got my dad in on it and my dad would tell her to meet him and “not to tell mom”. So she wanted to do illegal and immoral things and we have rules in our home. She left and lied about having to “live in her car” among other things…I sent her little notes and cards just telling her “the door is always open and we love you”…I never heard back. She married in 2009, to the HS bully who was her “sweetheart” since 11 grade. She did respond to a few of my letters, but only with blame and hurt and anger and meanness and lies.
Sorry so long…I felt you had to know the background info. So I /we (her step dad and her sister (2 yrs younger) and me) weren’t invited to her wedding, of course. I was crushed but somehow knew I’d never be able to have watched “him” walk her down the aisle. Somehow I was online and soething told me to look at her Facebook to see if I could see or find out how she was doing …I had never done it before. This was back in Sept 2013. I saw an Ultrasound photo as her profile pix. I was heartsick to think i was having a grandchild and I might not know it! “Olivia” was born in November some time? and She puts Olivia’s photo up on her Facebook page as her picture. I only have looked twice because I actually get “sick” and have vomitted and feel heartbroken ( I had a heart attack after the 1st “Mothers day” without her. I was actually diagnosed as “broken heart syndrome” after my heart attack….She’s never called, written or done anything to show me that she wants me in her life…..not even after my many cards “non preaching…just simple” over the years….I’ve done nothing since her birthday in May 2012 and just a couple of weeks ago, I was informed that she “LIKED” my jewelry page on Facebook!! Dr. K, my therapist …and my friends…say this was a “nudge” from her. I got excited for a day and made a Mother/daughter pair of pierced earrings ( I noticed the baby has pierced ears)…I wrote a short note saying “I noticed you “liked” my jewelry page on Fbk, so I made you and Olivia a matching pair of earrings like the ones you “liked””…..It’s still sitting on my counter. I ‘m literally afraid of my own daughter. I like the peace we have mostly in our lives now. I love her, but my youngest daughter is now engaged and we are planning a wedding for next Summer. I dont want to do anything to “mess anything up for her”…She has no desire to reunite with here sister because her sister literally tried to “ruin her life” …long story…she was always a “bully” to my youngest…but if she “nudged” me…then maybe she wants to talk ?? Maybe being a mother has changed her? My granddaughter is going to be one yr old soon…..Do you have some thoughts?? Forgive this for being so long…I wonder if any other moms are or have been going through something like this? Also…it would not be as simple as just “making up” with her…All of my abusers come with her…..thanks Anne….sincerely, Suzanne
Hello Suzanne, my apologies – I thought I had replied to both your comments, but it looks like I only replied to the one.
Of course I remember you, and I do think about you on occasion, wondering how you are you. I remember the personal and family struggles you have had and still have. I can feel how much pain you are in being emotionally estranged from your daughter and also feeling like your abusers have won in their long term battle against you, beginning right from when you were a child and before your daughter was even a star in your eye.
Your story is one that should serve as a warning to all those who under-estimate just how poisonous Malignant Narcissism is and how much is spreads over generations. It should also teach people that people who have been abused by a MN isn’t just fighting against that one single person – and once done, free to continue with their lives – but it is a fight over their entire life time, against those who have aligned their thought processes with the abuser and also, those who have not woken up to those type of people and not to mention similar people entering and leaving the abused persons life there on in.
It is a huge tangled web the abused has to deal with and one that crosses generations – because the malignant always play the long game.
By the sounds of it, you are doing the best you can with the tools that you have at this moment and I commend you for the strength you have. You are entirely right to move cautiously when trying to decide what kind of relationship you and your daughter will have in the future, but I know (being a mother) that this is something that rips your heart out having to do. Moving cautiously while letting your daughter know that you love her is the only thing you can do while she is still in the company of these types because ultimately, your physical and mental fortitude demands that you fight in a quieter way than they would otherwise have you do. But, stand firm and with your quiet strength, you will remain in control – not them.
It may take time for your daughter to see the truth, and it will be up to her and her alone to realise it. It took me until the birth of my son to see the tangled web my parents spun and it was only through how much I loved my boy that I was willing to keep my eyes open and fight for my own truth path.
Perhaps, this is just the beginning of her own awakening. My thoughts go to you and your loved ones.
Take care, Anne
I really like this. It offers hope, compassion, wisdom and understanding. I like the idea that one was in a kind of hell and is/can be now part of the world. I had a therapist who shook his head at PTSD. Nope you don’t have that. But it repeatedly, intuitively seemed like I was in the right area of diagnosis. But what would I know, I’m just the untrained patient talking about me! He threw labels when pressed to answer what it was, then. Histrionic, possibly bipolar, borderline. I finally said, “Maybe I have a bit of all of the above”! I recently did a PD test. It came out reasonably high on paranoid (lack of trust, ha!), slight BPD, slight histrionic. But if you’re an ACoN, and are forced to be with a MN boss, well it kinda makes sense in order to survive you don’t come out unscathed!! Then add complex to PTSD and well there IS an aha moment. It feels like I’m so much closer to a correct ‘diagnosis’. Too bad DSM5 doesn’t acknowledge as such. They’ll have to one day, just as they did for PTSD…
Thanks, Ann. This seems to be pioneering work! Keep at it, I believe this is on the right track.
I’ve been searching for a place like this for a while…and I hope my identifying information does not get out…another symptom of the terror I live with. Thank you for this.
I grew up trying to heal my family, my mother and father, who were holocaust survivors and a sister who had severe OCD and probably Asperger’s. My mother was severely disturbed…cruel, abusive, and made me suffer horrible physical pain for many years, for which I was blamed. The complex PTSD part only came out when she and my sister got together to declare my father incompetent when I was 45 years old, and were successful at it, putting him away. He reached out to me so many times for help and I tried so hard to help him but he was terrified of my mother, and he died in his “second holocaust” – his words.
I have flashbacks, night terrors, terror during the day, of what I don’t know and it is debilitating..I feel I am going through the worst of it now, but I am in therapy. I just want to know when does this end? I mean, this part of it? Will I ever feel just ok? Without feeling like I have to run from shadows? It’s like my body is filled with toxins I can’t release and I stay in my bed, hiding. I have a great husband, loving more than I can say, children who I adore, but my self won’t let me be in it. That’s just how it feels. I so hope someone responds to this. With sincere gratitude…Emma
Thank you Merry, in starting this blog I wanted it to be a beacon of hope, compassion and understanding to those who knew there was something seriously wrong but wanted to fight against things that felt innately wrong, even when the majority said it was right – that it was just you that was wrong.
I don’t want anyone to think that my journey has ended – life is about constant transition, learning and teaching and then you move on to the next stage of the journey. But, like a person before you who holds the door open for the one behind, I too, wanted to hold the door open for you. C
I hold the psychiatry field and their ‘Bible’ in low regard but there are parts of their diagnostics that do represent how people are feeling. The problem is, that those who have suffered trauma will display all and none of the symptoms at any one given time – over years.
Lazy minded, ego-tistical and even Malignant professional will damn you into the medical field and try and ruin you with label after label and pills after more pills. And to serve whom? It is not to serve you, it does not lift you, it won’t help you to see the reality. It will cause offence if you show independent thought or understanding of self…a further indicator of the kind of professional that is before you.
Yes, you may need medication on a temporary period. Yes, you may need professional help – but no, you do not need to yield and be subservient to their ‘authority’. Question everything – you be the interviewer. You ask for their credentials, you ask what they would do if it was their mother, daughter, best friend, father, themself sitting before them. Know that with everything, you have the right to decide who gets to tamper with your body, mind and soul. Don’t be rude, but equally, do not let them be rude to you. Regardless of societal standing, let them approach you from a place of equality.
Should you be too ill (during an episode) and you have no one you trust to direct for you, then I’m afraid that all you can do is make sure that when that time comes you have put in the preparation before hand to minimise any kind of malignancy. When you are feeling well, do your research and meet the professionals you are interviewing when the time comes – ask them what kind of medication they would put you on should x, y, z happen while under their care…do everything you would in preparation like you would preparing for the best care for someone you care about.
If it helps, treat yourself like the carer you wish you had growing up and look after your needs now and prepare for when the time comes for when you will need all the help you can get from people who know just how much you love yourself.
There are not hard and fast rules; some things just happen regardless of preparation. But some preparation is better than no preparation.
Take care and be kind to yourself Anne
Hi Emma,
First of all, dont worry – your information will be kept in the strictist confidence and you can reveal as much or as little as you want, when you want. It brought tears to my eyes when I read your father saying he had lived his second holocaust – I cant begin to tell you just how much I felt that. You can release the burden you are feeling about not being able to help your father because just by being with him, just by showing how hard you tried, just by even writing this and honouring his memory and pain shows that you have no burden to carry there – I know he understands this and allow yourself the compassion to understand this too.
It is a tough process Emma, I know this all too well. Nothing is a permanent state and by acknowledging it and asking, when will this end, shows that you are fighting. It will ease and rise, rise and ease but those lengthy states of horror will deplete and lessen in its verocity – there isnt a time scale but there is re assurance that you are not alone here and however long it takes, it can be only temporary because you no longer live in darkness – its just your eyes need time to re adjust.
Please feel free to write here or contact me at any time, Im always here to listen or respond to anything you have on your mind.
Take care and all the best, Anne
Thank you so much for your quick response, Anne. Just reading it, I took a deep breath…it’s hard for me to breathe. I always take very shallow breathes. I think it’s because of the terror. I live with another guilt too. My mother has tried to contact me, in fact, I forced myself to begin a relationship with her twice. We maintained it for about 4 months the second time. Then, one day, I called her and she told me she had just returned from the hospital, she hadn’t been feeling well. I felt it was my duty as her daughter to care about her, care for her, so I asked that she call me should she end up in the hospital again, and her response was an adamant “no.” She told me she would not tell me, as I had brought all the misery of my father’s situation onto her (because I challenged her when she began to pursue the incompetency of my father.) I just could not bear to continue contact with her because I did not want to be in agony fearing the worst when she would disappear, as she tends to do. So I stopped contact. My husband has given her the name and number of my therapist, and my therapist has called her, telling her I would only have contact with her through my therapist. But I always ask myself, well maybe she didn’t understand, or maybe she lost the phone number. She is in her 80’s. I still feel guilty that I am not caring for her. Even though she did what she did. And I know that sounds crazy but I can’t help it. I know my father would have wanted me to look out for my mother. So I feel like I am letting him down. I miss him so much because he was the one who cared for me when I was so ill.
I feel like I constantly live in those feelings, and I have no room in my mind or body for present activities, feelings or thoughts. I have a doctorate, was highly functional, until I just collapsed from this. Now each day is a struggle. I do work, but it is hard. I am a mother, but each day brings new fears. I love my husband, so much, but I still feel like I am in the Holocaust too. Clear memories, from the stories my mother filled me with since age 4. They are so vivid. Like movies in my brain. I hope I am not taking up too much space here. Thank you again, for reading and listening.
BTW: The PD test was self administered by me on home computer. I believe it was psych central website. Good an answer as one can get?! Be of interest to know of a test that encompasses non PD as well. Do you or anyone know of such a site/test??
It’s all part of narrowing it down, rather than labels for label’s sake. Knowing why you do and think what you do. Especially at the times one’s behaviour is not working for you, not life affirming, but self sabotaging. I’d like at least a close approximation. Still staying with CPSTD as best label. Not a lot out there about this, as it does differ reasonably significantly from PSTD. And it’s of course also about understanding it from the viewpoint of surviving the malignant narcissists in one’s life.
It’s hard, frustrating and inaccurate work at times: it’s definitely not even near an accurate science (!), but worth pursuing, I think.
Hi Emma, Im feeling especially tired today but I wanted to let you know Im still here by way of manners. I plan on taking some time out this weekend to reply properly but in the meantime, take care and take baby steps with your emotions just now. Should you wish to email me then by all means, I welcome any connection if you feel the need.
All the best to you, Anne
Hi Emma
I understand the mixed up feelings you have between self preservation and societal duty imposed on you. Of course you don’t want to abandon your mother as she grows old and weak, this is something society tells us only wicked children do. But, this is not true. Growing up I remember hearing stories of when my mum worked briefly in a care home and she said she couldnt believe how cruel some of the old peoples families were to just leave these old folk in the care home without any visits. I thought that was a disgraceful thing to do – that was their parents!
But, as I have grown older and discern more then I can see that perhaps these vulnerable and old people reaped what they sowed (not all, but some) and so long as they are being cared for within a professional environment, then their children have done their duty – and probably more than the old person deserved.
Once my parents get too old to care for themselves, I will give whatever I can afford to giving them the best care that I can afford but emotionally, they have already died in my eyes. I owe them nothing and this is their cross to bear, not mine. For me, they need to be put out of their soul-less misery as soon as possible and my compassion only goes as far as wishing that.
Your father is not on the other side feeling disappointment with your level of care towards your mother, she will have a huge price to pay before moving on and your father (if you feel him around) is trying to protect you, not her.
Stop beating yourself up, make sure she is cared for by professional strangers and know that you have done your duty.
Take care, Anne
Thank you so much for this permission to let go…it is something I will try very hard to embrace. You have helped me a lot Anne. I wish you only the best, you are most definitely a healer and I hope you have others to go to so you can receive the same kindness.
Emma
Hi Merry
The Self Sabotaging aspect is an interesting one. I think this is because it can be found within every character disorder with Narcissistic defensive qualities (such as myself and those who have been subjected to MN/narcissistic abuse).
If you have read my perspective, then those who are character disorder with N defensive qualities who reach their crossroad moment decide not to follow onto the Narcissistic path but choose to go down the awareness path, they then have to battle against self sabotage.
This will last for a lifetime but with heightened awareness and prevention the longer you traverse your truth path. For each time it appears and with the more experience you have, the quicker you will be able to stop it and put in preventative measures to kill the urge to become self destructive.
The reason for this self sabotage is because you are breaking a built in mechanism – a mechanism that was fashioned so implicitly onto you….these creatures play the long game and this also means creating hurdles for you to regress should you ever break free (like escaping from a prison camp that had subjected you to connection torture)
If you think like the dogs that were trained to drool to a ringing of a bell (pavlov’s dogs), this is what self sabotaging is.
You dont need a label, as you said, all you need to find out is what your ‘bells’ are and when they start ringing.
Feel free to do research, arm yourself with discernment that not all of the knowledge out there is genuine in its intentions.
But remember, you have all the answers that you need and more within you…its just that its been so long since you allowed yourself to see the ‘light’ (for your own safety, as you well know) that it may take a while to understand your own language and forget the language that was imposed on to you.
Take care and all the best
Hi Emma
Thank you for your kind words and if I have managed to be a positive support within this stage of your life journey then I am grateful for that. The only permission that you will ever need is from yourself – work with the things that resonate within you and permit yourself to enjoy your time here…there will be many down’s and many up’s but through them all there will only be one constant – you…so be the master of your own ship and think of others sailing alongside you but never controlling which sea you traverse.
I find comfort in many things and get all the strength that I need just by looking at my son – he gives me more nourishment than I thought possible…so I am very lucky, thank you and I wish you all the best as well
Anne
Hi Anne,
I just found this blog yesterday. I am a middle aged woman. Grew up with
a narcissistic mother and both parents alcholics. I was the middle child and
for some reason the scapegoat for many beatings by my mother. Later in life things seemed fine. I thought I made it through fairly unscathed. I had
simply never had another encounter with a “N”. 17yrs years later,CPTS
What is odd and the reason I am responding is the “Self Sabotage” I am
so used to physically and emotionally feeling bad, it it true about the Self
Sabotage you mention. I have to really question myself daily about this
aspect.
Thanks again for this blog. Very well written with both honesty and compassionate responses.
Paula
Hello Paula
By showing a conscious awareness of self sabotaging, means that you can now create the tools to combat this when it arises. Can you imagine being unaware and the unlimited destruction this would create? Its a gift that you have awareness and with each day self sabotaging (as well as all the other symptoms of past trauma) will deplete as new ways of interacting with the world (outside of past priming) become the natural way within your neuro pathways. But yes, it is hard work – one which will reward you.
I can understand why you would think that you made it unscathed. My family (direct and extended) had successfully transformed me into becoming that which they wanted me to be and so, it nullified any kind of argument that could be created by myself and/or legal entities for neglect/abuse. Furthermore, with this self sabotaging it meant that all they needed to do was wait for a few months then my life would be turned into chaos with me proclaiming “Why does this always happen to me?”
Thats not to say that I don’t have a daily battle with this primed self sabotage – like you, its a daily battle of staying aware and combating it with reason and compassion.
It is also important to fully comprehend your past and how it created behavioural habits within you. You see the connection, you can then stop it and re wire.
Generally speaking, it is normal for people to awaken to this kind of thing mid life. I’m not sure how much you have read here but I call it the crossroad moment – where you waken up and consciously decide to follow down the path of your abusers or work your backside off to release the shackles they tied around you.
The cPTSD is a terrifying part of recovery and if I could take it away from you, believe me that I would. However, it is temporary. Face it head on and with each episode try and say out loud “This too will pass”. You need to re train your entire body, so make sure your entire being knows that you are loyal to it and will fight side by side with it. This sounds odd to maybe you, but I would imagine it will only sound odd to those fortunate enough to have never experienced it.
Feel free to stay in touch and all the very best to you
Anne
Thank you for your reply I appreciate it. I did read more of this blog yesterday and there is a lot of good information. It has been three
years since the “N”. Put myself in therapy because I truly could not\
understand what was happening to me “mentally”. I literally could not
speak. It was unintelligible jargon. I also had NO range of emotions.
This first T was pretty rude and impatient with me. I did spend the 2nd year
with a new well trained and educated T in CPTSD. This made all the difference. I had to accept and understand “child parts” and integration.
I am healthier and happier than I have been in years. I still have a lot of
work to do on myself but it does get better..actually how can it not!!
Take care
Paula
Hi Paula
Im glad that you have found a true therapist that resonates with you. You seem to understand the importance of your ‘child’ and integrating it back into your whole.
The thing is, the more you mend your fractured self and come together as a whole with all the dots connected, the easier it will be to stop unhealthy habits in their tracks and/or recover from misguided judgements.
Your therapist probably won’t be telling you anything new, but will be skilled in seeking and drawing out your inner truth and understanding. Like I have said before, there is nothing that you or anyone doesnt know when it comes to your own truth and understanding, its just that a little guidance is needed in tweeking it out so you know where to look next time.
Good luck and all the best
Anne
Narcissism and PTSD. Where did your post correlate the two? And if so, how?
Hi My Name
I dont believe that I have shown exactly how they are related. Thank you for your question and for asking me to explain myself with regards to this.
My return from my post pregnancy time off has arrived – I am ready to start writing again.
I had said to one of my readers in an email that my first post back will centre around emotional investment but I think that I will expand on this topic further with regards to its correlation.
I hope it helps clarify and look forward to hearing back from you in due course
Take care
Anne
I was raised by a narcissist dad, controlling and co dependant mom, i have had four medical specialists diagnose me over four yrs with cptsd. today i can finally understand how they fit. its a mind twisting soul tearing hell. i lived in a shell, was tortured emotionally, mentally, and sexually, and betrayed by those who were to care for me…and I LOVE THEM. i am 36 and still am uncovering memories from my childhood, teen years, fuck even last week…..i am educated in social work, understand all this, yet couldnt put what the heck was wrong with me…two master degree social workers, and one psychologist, and a medical doctor diagnosed me instantly over a span of four yrs cause i couldnt accept it. learning how narcissist parenting damages helps me to see at least im not nuts, i didnt do this to myself, and I WANT TO OVERCOME…..i found your blog today, and THANK U. i started my journey to life today. im still a mess, and all those medical ppl were unable to relate to what i was and still endure and they told me they couldnt help me. I CAN i think…i hope, and to know i am not alone, helps cause narcissist parents and complex ptsd is destroying me…..i wanna survive. this is as far as my wall comes down to strangers today as i still processing what happened to me since birth. i been to inner child therapy, and it began in my moms warm womb..and it dam well one day end. cause my dysfunctional coping, and insane symptoms of cptsd are hell more than the shit that caused them. thanks for listenin.
file:///C:/Users/KSB/Downloads/pdfbooksinfo.blogspot.com%20Toxic%20Parents%20(1).pdf
http://pdfbooksinfo.blogspot.ca/search/label/Pdf%20Book
Hi there
I don’t know what this is, please can you explain
thank you , anne
I can’t thank you enough for this and I re-read it often. I have C-PTSD and it is a living hell but your words give me the courage to keep going on. Thank you and God bless.