In my previous post, I stated that I would move on to discuss Fathers, primarily Narcissistic Fathers.
Historically speaking, men have been at the helm for thousands of years. Within the home, establishments, education, medicine, exploration/war, religion, trade and administration. Effectively, they set the foundations of society based on their perspective and their logistical advantage.
They were the provider and capitalised on everything to optimise that role.
Families were to rely on that provider, listen to that authority and follow the patriarchal societal lead on any issue of the day (until Suffragettes within Western Society, but I will leave that to one side). The world was built by man, within the ideology of capitalising to the optimum for the sake of providing.
Women and children were the supposed benefactors of such capitalism but strictly within the boundaries and rules set by those providers. To that extent, they were automatically viewed as extensions to that man.
Man being the husband, religion, government, law, medicine, teacher. Women and children were effectively servants to the temperament of any authority and ‘married to/children of’ each authority within society during this life and into the next (heaven etc.).
Authoritative man was the constant, however, who was in primary authority was fluid depending on the circumstances.
For example; a husband was master over his wife and children, but the teaching authority would become the master during set times.
Regardless of which ‘male’ had authority, there existed a constant presence of man’s masterdom within society.
This omnipresent control meant that ‘truths’ were created and conditioned, passed down the generations.
Majority consent is a powerful tool when trying to gain control, because too many people to this day still believe that numbers = truth.
For those who have mastered the discern and stand firm, you will know that this is absolute folly. But, unfortunately, at this moment in time, you are in the minority and will be attacked collectively if you declare something is false when the vast majority believe it to be true.
Returning back to fathers.
Given that history has revolved around man and then passed down generation to generation, it is quite understandable when met with a Narcissistic Father.
Understandable, but never acceptable.
A father with Narcissism is a father who has bowed down to history, denied critical thinking of self, denied evolution of self and desires extensions to glorify him.
He still sees his children as extensions, still sees his wife as an extension and will no doubt rule the roost with terror, intimidation and disconnection while viewing it as his noble duty to do such things. He will lecture from the perspective that his is a knowledge passed down through the generations and within him is the strength of his forefathers, guiding him to tower over his extensions, just as his father had done – and ‘it couldn’t have done me any harm, because look at me’.
His children were created to serve him, his family produced to be sycophants to appease his temper and each one programmed to be grateful for having such a strong man at the helm. Publicly grateful, secretly one knows what you think.
And it is this secretly part that will drive him to quash you. In his mind it is high treason to harbour such disloyal thoughts. He adores the idea of having thought police so finally, he can reveal just how treacherous and ungrateful you are.
However, it will do just as well to create faults within you, justifying punishments given to you while simultaneously raising him to the skies.
There are Narcissistic Fathers who are neglectful and unaware of their family needs because they deem his family as having more than enough materialistically – for that, with regards to this kind of NF, is all that he has ever thought to be of importance.
There are Narcissistic Fathers who may not have the tools to increase his material wealth but places himself before his family in other ways; such as training his children with view to being prison meat before they leave the teenage years or allowing them to look after themselves while the father sits on the sofa drinking himself into oblivion or only paying attention to his wife when the meal is late in being made.
This, my friends, is still a very real reality within ‘modern’ society and part of the reason why I still believe that this society is very much a patriarchal one and only marginally, on the grand scheme of things, one of equality between genders,
I will leave gender inequality to one side. I merely stated it in context to Narcissistic Fathers because they are a result of thousands of years of human development and indeed, are held up in high regard to this day (unless you are a victim of such a person, but even then I am sure that you have a huge battle ahead to gain any allys). It is probably even behind why so many people are in shock when one informs others of how wicked their mother was – one may expect cruelty from a father, but a mother? Never.
Power and therefore, control, is something that warps even the most genuine of person. I personally think that everyone has a capacity to be cruel – for we are all a mixture of murky and light – but it is our awareness and then choice which determines which road we will go down.
Fathers have been given the golden ticket over the centuries and it is something that is hard to let go; that power and control, that idea that your family are individuals with individual thoughts and dreams.
So, would you say that only ‘traditional’ style families have Narcissistic Fathers?
I would suggest that this is not the case.
Any man who has produced children with a woman has the propensity to be Narcissistic, regardless of the family model he works in.
This is because of the macro upholding through the patriarchal rule within religion, government, medicine, teaching etc.
I have asserted previously that Narcissism is a learned behaviour, turning into a natural state after a certain time (crossroads). This is especially prevalent for men because we are still living within a patriarchal world.
I have great admiration for men who are very much proud of their masculinity and the power that they have and can wield, but travel through this world with awareness and do not abuse the power that is so readily offered to them by Higher Authorities.
I would also say that men are, to a certain degree, publicly allowed to mis treat their families because of this patriarchal rule. It is still very much viewed as a necessary evil in order to raise a brood into conditioned servants of the Higher Authorities.
So, whether the abuse is hidden or in clear view, it is very unlikely that anyone will come to your rescue as a child and/or wife. In fact, it is more than likely that you (the wife) and you (the child) will be ostracised and demonised should you ever speak out or stand up for your autonomy.
It is still imbedded within popular view that any harm done to yourself and/or children was something that one asked for.
As we all know, abuse can happen within physical, emotional, spiritual, intellectual spheres. There are quite a number of theories which try and pin point which abuse has the most far reaching effects; which abuse is the most harmful.
I would assert that each is of equal harm when trying to stay on one’s truth path.
Alternatively, you could have the most glorious father in the world but your truth path will be faced from harm at some point in your life, one way or another. There is no getting around it – it is just unfortunate for those who have immediate danger since birth within a place that is meant to be one’s haven for recharging and growing into a discernible, reciprocal human being.
Which brings me to my next point.
Reciprocity is the main key when discerning. Should you give love, trust and warmth and the only thing that is returned to you is abuse and disconnection then of course you will, as a child, grow up with a skewed sense of what you get when you give.
In other words, if all you get is pain and abuse when you give out the nice things found within you, you will either a. refuse to give them out or/ b. give them out to everyone to further solidify how right that original abuser was.
Another part is something which generally affects others deeply. Please do not read the following if you are still affected by such things.
It is about sexual abuse and I will leave a huge space after this sentence so that your eyes do not skim it unknowingly, just in case it is something still very raw to you.
Edit: Apologies, I have just checked this post and there wasn’t a space after the line. I think this has been rectified.
I spoke about skewed reciprocity and disconnection, as well as generationally embedded patriarchal rule.
Narcissistic Fathers see their families as extensions of themselves. They will abuse within any sphere as they see fit and/or as they find most effective tool for subservience.
Sexual abuse towards their partner and/or children is not a sexual gratification but it is another control tool.
I would disagree with those who believe that sexual abuse (paternally and matrimonially) is representative of Narcissism through the analogy of that flouncy little boy (as wholly dismissed by myself at the beginning of this blog) wants to have sex with himself.
I assert that sexual abuse is indeed based from extension (and one always wants to control one’s own body) however, it is a form of self flagellation. It is hate towards one’s own body and those extensions are the only extensions that will retain that hate, anger and disgust and be objects for future pressure release.
Disconnection is a funny mixture within the Narcissist. One wonders if the patriarchal society imparted a duty to feel connected to their child and wife , then perhaps there wouldn’t be this prevalence of sexual abuse within fathers/men.
At this point, may I add that I am fully aware that mothers/women have the capacity to sexually abuse their husbands and children – or indeed, others. However, for the sake of the title, I will focus solely on Narcissistic Fathers.
I maintain the awareness that while statistics show an overwhelming majority within the home are paternal (fathers/husbands) and a huge degree of public admittance from a victim of sexual abuse states that a man was their abuser, I do understand that women have been able to hide within the ‘mother madonna/maternal’ guise for centuries and it is only just starting to turn a corner in uncovering just how abusive Narcissistic mothers can be.
So far, I have gathered that mothers sexual abuse generally runs along the lines of emotional incest rather than physically intrusive. However, this may well be a topic for another time.
It is also possible that NFathers, do not have clear sexual boundaries when viewing their children. They may find it acceptable to comment on a child’s blossoming body or play fight inappropriately or look too long at what his child is wearing. Only allowing himself the ‘priviledge’ of seeing you as a sexual being and being outraged if any outsider does the same.
He may even show outrage at you should you fall victim to sexual abuse outside of his realm and state that you were wholly deserved of it because you know what you are doing (making men crazy with desire).
He may, in fact, be the opposite, and cover you up or keep you within strict confines until he passes you to a man he deems worthy (worthy, for these men, usually mean what they profit from it and not for whats best for you).
Whichever way, it is nothing to do with you for you are a child – never ever think that you deserve or ask for it. And if this pattern follows you throughout your life, you don’t deserve it but you do now have the opportunity to claim your self back.
My own father is still in close touch with my abusers. Of course, I am angry. Angry that they tried to beat the ‘demon’ out of me then perform an exorcism on me when I was just 17. I am furious. Angry that my sense of sexual worth was reduced to a satanic temptation before I even hit puberty. Angry that this self hatred with being evil, carried me through probably hundreds of men and ended up with me being an escort, having given up and given myself to the knowledge that I was ‘Satans Harlot’.
However, I have used that fury to strengthen my survival, not weaken it. I protect my son, I protect my partner and I protect myself.
And my NFather? I can see now that he sold his soul a long time ago and all I have to do now is just wait for his time to leave this world. There is no love because everything he ‘put’ on me was what he was…and I lived his hell through self prophesying, so I know exactly what kind of chaos is inside of him.
He has no power over me and that is more torturous to him than any court punishment.
Narcissistic Fathers are ones who have been conditioned and then chose to follow that path, never returning to their original truth.
Malignant Narcissist Fathers are born that way, have always been that way and that is their truth path. They do not know any different, unlike the Narcissistic Father, they have never known any other perspective nor believe that there is.
MN Fathers are, in their entirety evil (for want of a better word), our opposite and at the helm of every Higher Authority. MN’s create character disordered, the character disorders then choose to follow the Narcissistic path of their Authority who damaged them or shed the disordered skin and renew themselves from a stance of acceptance.
It is Malignant Narcissists (within this fatherly context) that will take abuse to the extreme, leaving no angle untouched and these children will face incredible challenges to their recovery, if indeed they survive.
Narcissistic Fathers, having been aware of a life before this soul selling, will no doubt be the ones that children say ‘But, sometimes he is so nice and it is that niceness that I hold on to whenever I see him being evil.’
When you managed to capture a small moment with your father, a genuine hug or a pat on the back …any sort of fatherly tenderness…you hold on to that with such tenacity that it seems almost impossible to give up hope that he will won’t change.
Our fathers are designed historically to be our leaders, providers and lesson givers – our ultimate authority. If that authority abuses us then sprinkles small doses of tenderness, then we will grow up to never expect anything more from any other person. Love will equal minimal tenderness.
We will also learn that if we are not getting abused then we are not loved. ‘I only do this because I love you’, ‘Its impossible to be any other way with you as you just don’t listen’ etc.
With sons, you will learn how to be a man through that or you will reject it completely and spend your life questioning your male worth. With daughters, you will inadvertently seek out and welcome future abuse from others or reject your father and spend your life questioning your female worth.
That is until you find acceptance. The final stage of grief and one which will help let you get on with your life with renewed confidence.
As I have stated earlier, my father is a Narcissist. I do get small flashes of who he was…who he could have been in its entirety if only he had the courage when the time came.
I am still in contact with him, but I see no relationship and feel quite indifferent towards him and anything he says. I don’t love him – sure I love him but in a ‘he needs to be put out of his misery like a rabid dog’ kind of way rather than a ‘I would do anything for you’ kind of a way.
I am just waiting for him to pass on to his next life as all he is now is a permanent reminder of what he and my mother could have had but chose to eat it up and spit it out. They had the world at their feet with children who adored them and they took that power and wanted more.
I have spoken to my dad countless times, trying to see if he could tap into that empathy and compassion or even just try and ignite some sort of fatherly protective instinct within him, to see if after all of this time he could look back with different eyes and see just how damaging he was to his children (not to mention his wife). But he fakes compassion and puts on the Teflon skin.
He has no understanding, because he sees everything as extensions to himself which means there is only one perspective, his.
He can’t hurt me anymore as I am on a different level to him now, and in fact, he feels intimidated by me and what he says has no effect on me anymore – I can see right through him and avoid any games he inadvertently tries to play.
And this is the thing, the crux of it.
Narcissists (and in this context, narcissistic Fathers) will never ever view anything from a stance of equality. It will always be from a superior or inferior stance.
Once you reach that superior level, you will be left untouched – in fact, they will punish themselves for not being good enough for you.
If you are seen at an inferior level, is when you will be abused and ridiculed. You are a permanent, ugly shameful little secret that they need to work hard at trying to ‘clean’ you up.
I do not want to be his superior, just as much as I didn’t want to be his inferior. I just wanted a dad. But, I have come to discover that it is all making in his own head and has absolutely no bearing on who I am or what I am doing.
It is a change of awareness that shifted within me and once I done this, I could view that man holding everything within him that he spent his life projecting onto him – saying that it was all me.
I minimise contact with him (and my mum) because it is draining. They are so incredibly vacuous – in that, they have a never ending black hole to fill – that spending any length of time with them would be detrimental to the work I have put in to make my family a healthy one.
When you meet healthy people, they give as well as take. We have energy around us that is shared and if it is not shared equally, then our being will either dip or raise.
My father enters a room and drains it and still wants (demands) more. His words don’t affect me anymore, he is no longer physically capable of harming me anymore, and I have a strong partner who can see right through him. However, his energy has been perverted for so many years that it has become a consumer and he is no longer aware of it.
He has no idea of loyalty, love, morality or truth. Nor, does he know anything about courage, faith, trust.
He is aware of the words but his understanding of these words are fully reverted back to his self . In other words, all of these things must be given to him but nothing is required of him in return. Furthermore, none of these words are understood in their true sense but warped into new meanings that suit him.
Which is another task that a victim child has to overcome on growing up and onwards from a father such as this.
With Narcissistic Fathers you are not the best child you can be until you are fully compliant in the role he sets out for you. Whether that is the awful child, beautiful child, sexually appealing child, intellectual child or mixture of everything to suit his changing moods.
Until the day he dies you are meant to be a servant to his ever increasing demands, and they will increase as he gets older.
Personally, I keep a distance but interject should I feel that he is entering into harmful situations and/or harming others.
This is because of my own personal understanding of my situation and because I can’t in all good conscious sit back and watch him hurt himself and/or others. In fact, within his own family of origin, he is (believe it or not) at the very bottom of the Narcissistic food chain and used and abused by his own family.
He treated me growing up, just how his family treat him. Now, that I have a feeling of indifference to him as a father, I can subtly try and avert any major disasters within the family.
This kind of thing is not recommended should you still be trying to heal. I would always recommend looking after yourself first then taking anything else on in small, non committal doses and only if you stay well while doing it.
He will be, until the day he dies, a severely deluded man. He has created this fantasy ‘mob rule’ family world but there are fractures. Fractures which he clearly sees and refuses to believe it is him. In response to these fractures, he has run back to his own Narcissistic family of origin and allows them to twist him even further away from us.
It is not my problem and however your father made you feel is not your problem. Your issue now is to re wire what he taught you and then you will be able to discern healthy modes, from non healthy modes. Once this has been completed, you will feel indifference towards your father and indifference towards anyone else who tries to replicate how your father was to you.
One of the first clues, on meeting someone new, is where do they place you? Do they come from a stance of equality or from an inferior and/or superior stance.
How you are placed, is how you will be treated from there on in. Always try and meet from a place of equality, regardless of who they are and act from that stance.
You are the master of yourself and need no replacement father. Having a mentor in your life does not mean that they should take over the paternal role. They will, if healthy, offer advice but only if you ask for it and will allow you to make your own decision without judgement.
I am sure I will touch upon this topic at a later date.
Historically, men have been allowed to rule whichever way they wish. It seems to be their default but not one that you need to accept.
If you find yourself putting more work into having a relationship with your father than you put in to any other area in your life, then perhaps the problem isn’t you but them…relationships are meant to uplift not drag your down.
You are worthy of love and respect, especially if that is all you have ever given out.