The Walking Narcissists – The True Living Dead

Narcissism, especially Malignant Narcissism, an overview

Month: November, 2013

8 Stages of Grief – Recovering from The Past

I believe that it would be prudent of me to explain the 8 Stages of Grief.

Having gone through the pain, enlightenment and confusion of realisation of my past reality it occurred to me that Grief isn’t just connected to a physical death, but  can be seen within victims of trauma who are trying to overcome and move on.

I will list the stages here and then describe what this meant to me.

Now, you will know – should you be a continual presence within this blog – that I feel quite prickly about Psychiatry and its derivatives. Especially the way in which more value is placed on the Malignant (more of a career challenge?) and finding a ‘cure’ for seeing Malignancy whereas victims (and you will see them everywhere) are fed pills and become a bore if they show no indication to ‘help themselves’ (by throwing themselves back into society without so much as a hint of past trauma)

Psychiatry is and has always been, to my mind, a form of eugenics and its creator was the Malignant.

Now, within Psychiatry and its derivatives (psychology, social work, counselling etc.) there will surely be genuine helpers. I have stated this before but will repeat that these people are fighting a battle against what is deemed popular, or in other words, what is fashionable to do. And what is presiding is Malignancy.

I have met my share of Malignant professionals but I have also been fortunate, when all seemed lost, to have genuine professionals enter my life and nudge me in the right direction. This has been luck and I am grateful for having these small interventions but it could have so easily went the other direction, and has been so for way too many people that I feel comfortable thinking about.

It would be irresponsible of me to suggest that medication and support is always Malignant to your present state. I am in no way suggesting that this is the case. I do believe, however, that a 100% trust in the medical and psychological field needs to be analysed by yourself whenever you embark on that form of intervention and support.

I also understand that during (and/or after) trauma there will be many times when you are not in the right frame of mind to fully analyse the help offered. I too, have been in this situation and all I could do was just allow it to happen.

Unfortunately, unless you have people around you that you trust implicitly to know exactly how you would feel towards each thing offered and by whom, then it is a case of hoping that it does work out. Furthermore, should you be isolated then it is even more of a treacherous path to recovery as you place your entire self in the care of those who may turn out Malignant.

Again, I was fortunate in that I had small interventions from decent helpers to nudge me back on course and also I had the unquenchable drive to survive and defeat this unknown monster that invaded my being.

I didn’t know my enemy but I knew that I would fight blind folded until my dying breath.

Now, the grief process.

1. Shock and Denial

2. Anger and Bargaining

3. Pain and Guilt

4. Depression and Lonliness

5. Elation

6. Analysing of environment

7. Hope

8. Acceptance and  Rebuild

These stages don’t happen as they are written, nor do they happen over a set period of time. These stages are also not just for the external happenings but for the internal self. It is all to do with the where you place yourself within the new reality that you find yourself in and how you align yourself within the new world that you find yourself in.

Come from the place of ‘I’ , something which those who have been subjected from MN/Narcissism will find incredibly hard to do (unless you decide to follow it in the false sense, the Narcissistic sense), and you are effectively mourning a self who will die out. A self that dies is a self that you are without. No longer do you have a reality, nor do you have a projection that you believe in, nor do you have the projectors who created you.

This is a huge mourning. This is something that will take a long time for you to recover from.

I spent my entire grieving period angry. I also spent my entire grieving period sad, happy, elated, overjoyed, depressed, numb, doubtful, denied,  needy, without need and empty.

I felt everything and nothing, all at the same time. I felt like I would spend my entire life feeling like this and at some points, I yearned for my past to come back into my environment and lambasted myself for shattering it. Secretly, I begged external forces to take me back so that I didn’t feel like this anymore.

Parts of me screamed “a’ha!” but other parts screamed “no, you can’t keep doing this”.

We are natural creatures in avoidance of pain but will happily go back to a pain if the one we are facing seems so much more. A lifetime of having your hand in a fire against a walk through of a burning world and it would be easy to see why some would willingly offer their hand once more.

But, as I stated within the c-PTSD post, having your entire world turn into hell is a necessary part of expulsion and renewal. It must come out of you and be presented before you in order for you to fully overcome the grief period. You must temporarily be thrown into a fire, but know that while this fire still burns it is clearing the world for you to plant new seeds.

The final stage doesn’t mean that you accept what has happened and everyone lives happily ever after. It doesn’t mean that you open your arms to your abusers (and abusive environments) and inform everyone that your accepting in how they are and you are healed.

It means, for me, that I have accepted myself and my position towards my past and also accept the level of monstrosity that these abusers have. I have accepted the brutal truth that they have no power over me and I have no power over them.

I have no power to change them, no power to love them regardless, no power to try and find them help. I am but a person, not a god, and I accept that in my full humanity I can and will do what I need to do to protect myself.

I will never forgive them nor will I ever ask for their apologies. I will embrace all of my sense of injustice but accept that this may never served within my lifetime.

I accept.

Which means, stay out of my environment and I will stay out of yours. I will move on with my life, work with the tools that I have and learn who I am in this new environment but from here on in. Leaving them (past, present and future MN’s) to move in their life but with the understanding that if any of them consciously try to interfere with my world, you will need to accept that I will defend my territory like no other force they have ever known before.

The acceptance is self orientated more than anything. Embrace and be aware of every facet of yourself – light and dark. Work on yourself with humility but do not cripple yourself with inverted fear.

If someone threatens to destroy your new world, you fight.

I am infuriated with pop hippy waves that seem to flow through this world that try and brainwash you into even more of a malignantly imposed feeling of submissiveness and inferiority should you dare to feel anger, should you dare to not try and evolve into a god and cast your betrayal to one side and ‘love’ everyone to the extent that acceptance means ‘I welcome you and all that you do/did’.

Acceptance means waking up and knowing your limitations – knowing how much you can give to others before you start to feel ill.

You are not a god, you are not a superior life form (within this human body) and you are not a servant to others in some sort of psuedo-martyr ideal.

You have a right to be here, have a right to be happy and sad and mad and confused. Embrace it and learn from it, take from it what you need for future interactions.

If something angers you, say it. If something makes you unhappy, say it. If something makes you happy, enjoy it. Nothing is a permanent state, but many things can be cyclical – only you and your acceptance of who you are (in all facets) can progress through each state and still remain solid within.

For me, the end of my grieving process was signalled to me when I could look at people with new eyes and know how much of myself I could give each person without this feeling that I had to give everything to everyone. I understood that some I couldn’t give anything, some I could give a little to, and some I could give more.

With my parents, I can give basic pleasantries to. I can speak about the weather, the dog. I can give basic responses to their questions (superficial and never detailed) and I will only speak when spoken to directly. I avoid them as much as possible, reply to texts a few days later (should they ever text) and avoid one on one company with them. Whenever I can avoid them, I do. Should I have to be in their company, I keep my distance (emotionally) and stay conscious of their games (and never enter them). I allow them zero rope when they try and intimidate me and don’t care who witnesses it or what anyone thinks.

What matters to me is my new world and they are the unfortunate weeds that crop no matter how much industrial weed killer I blast them with.

I no longer feel crippled by doing this and no longer feel upset by it. I do not long for an imagined parental relationship and don’t wish for one in the future.

I apply this, to varying degrees, to each and every single person I encounter. Of course, the extreme of it is only applied if someone tries to purposely ignore my warnings (like avoidance, walking away, changing subjects etc.) and tries to enter my space to cause me harm. It has worked (my colleague from an earlier post left about a week after I posted).

The main turning point was my acceptance that I am worthy and it is my duty to respect my being in its entirety and  follow/defend my truth.

You will never change anything within this malignant world if you refuse to accept yourself.

You will never accept yourself if you fail to understand that a malignant world capitalises on your lack of self compassion.

Protecting Yourself From Malignant Narcissist’s and its Derivatives PT 2

The first of these posts was by way of an introductory phase, focusing on the person who has awoken to the savagery of Malignant Narcissism but does not know how to protect themselves from it.

The main thing I tried to highlight was one of minimisation of future, unnecessary contact. While it may be hard for a person to look at their present environment, and clear it out into a healthier space it is probably easier for that person to assess ‘newcomers’ into their environment and make a concerted effort to keep them out.

This is because there is no invested interest nor tangled history, connection or feelings involved – they are potential relationships but still at a very superficial stage (for the person who has awoken) and it won’t hurt you as deeply should you keep them out of your life and there will be less of a ‘drama’ should you just state that ‘they aren’t your type of person’.

As soon as you feel that physical sensations that you are uncomfortable then back away. There is no need to delve in deeper because this person is yet to get a good hold onto you and your very being. Generally, people still accept this ‘clash of personality’ excuse and give it no further thought so there is no need to feel obliged to say any more or give it a try for them.

The other point that I made was that people who align themselves with a MN and its derivatives may not have anything against you – in fact, they may love you – but they are either blind due to their own societal priming, have their own secrets to keep safe (of which, MN is undoubtedly privy to or hint at being privy to), or feel they get something valuable from that relationship – like superficial flattery. The point is, while being upset is entirely justified, try to use that sense of betrayal into finding people who value you and support you while they travel their own truth path.

The final point I should re-emphasize is that, on meeting new people, always make sure that both parties are coming from a stance of equality. Should you be at a stage where this can be implemented within present, historical relationships, then do analyse every relationship for equality. Now, this does not mean that one shouldn’t respect another person for their place within the hierarchy with regards to age, status, position acquired through hard work, knowledge, beauty, intelligence, youth etc. By all means, respect another’s qualities and/or drive to better themselves – just the same as one would wish for should you be the person who has an exceptional quality to share and excel in.

However, this does not mean that one must bow down and submit to the person, regardless of how they use that exceptional quality and/or talent. Regardless of how they treat and view others.

To be exceptional within a field or have an exceptional quality means that one is even more responsible for extending it to others, sharing with others and committing themselves to others from a place of equality.

In other words, understand that your worth does not lessen dependent on the company that enters into your life and does not raise only when others lessen.

How you feel during an interaction is an indicator of the type of relationship it will become/has been.

I know many people who have been involved within a MN sexual relationship (but can be applied to any relationship) when they state that it was euphoric on meeting, that they made them feel like a prince/ess, that they were made to feel like they were perfect in every way etc. Then suddenly, it comes crashing down and the insults start as well as being made to feel like the exact opposite of the person whom the MN had said they admired.

Whether you are held up or kept down during an initial meeting is the same. They both serve the agenda of the person doing this to you and both will harm you.

To meet someone who respects and compliments you and your talent, but treats you as an equal regardless is the type of relationship that will enhance and sustain you and one that you should reciprocate.

We have all come to this earth at different stages, with different qualities and varying aptitudes for certain things. We will all move into areas that serve a purpose. Do each one well and to the best of your ability, share your learning with others and take learning from others but shy away from sycophancy and flattery.

You are all of equal value and all of equal importance to the tapestry of humanity.

This becomes especially hard to understand should you have come from a MN family. Being a child who has grown up in this environment means that you must either submit to, or rule over, who ever is in front you.    It can be only one or the other.

In order to turn this extremism around, look to how you feel when in company of another. Do you feel superior or inferior? Is there anyone in your life right now who feels at your eye level?

Taken in context; If you feel yourself weaken in another person’s company or over inflate, only to deflate when away from them, then these are unhealthy relationships. There should be a consistency in your being regardless of the company that you are in and if there is not, then position yourself into an environment where there is a consistency.

Of course, there are times when this is impossible – such as doing a job you hate (but must, due to your finances) or crossing paths with those you would rather avoid – but, so long as you fill the majority of your life with energy mutuality and consistency then these unfortunate crossings will affect you only temporarily.

For long term relationships then it is equality that will sustain a healthy future.

I will continue this topic as and when it needs to be.

Wishing you all the best

Protecting Yourself From Malignant Narcissists and its Derivatives

A reader asked how one might protect themselves once awareness has happened.

I would like to learn more about how to block the narcissists out after they hurt you. I recently had to block one out but I did it from a position of anger after months of priming and eventual abuse which caused me to stand firm and close the door on her. The problem is that I told her too much about myself and she is a back stabber. I want to out her to her face but I’ve chosen to let her drift. Just as all if my friends/colleagues have who have been lied to by her and given the hard sell. They are just letting her drift and just not allowing her into their businesses. I am the only one who wants to out her with the biggest display of rage. I’m not sure either way is healthy. To out her from rage or to let her drift. Either way my feelings do not feel validated. Nor would she ever validate them. She’d deny the lies she told even if we were all in the same room with all the people she lied to cross referencing her.

Part of me thinks that my outing of her behind her back was enough. They all saw the truth once we’d discussed the lies about one another.

She is dangerous. I feel she is harmful and poisonous because she believes her own lies! That is the scariest narcissist of all. The one who has absolutely no awareness of the difference between facts and their own made up reality.”

This is an important and complex topic and will be broken down into parts. This is because there are stages to the development and it fully depends on what stage you are at.

For example, it would have been of no use to me ten years ago if someone had told me “Your boundaries are all over the place”. This would have been the equivalent of someone telling me that in order to stop the pain all I need to do is recite the Koran in its Mother Tongue – and understand what I am saying, first time.

Impossible and ridiculous.

I will start from the premise that this person has just begun in understanding about Malignant Narcissism within society.

I can fully appreciate what this reader has said; you have realised how much you have been walked over and not one single person will vouch for this injustice nor offer you support through loyalty and validation. The person who has done this is left to ‘drift’ and allowed to create chaos and drama wherever they please because ‘that’s just them’.  And it becomes your sole responsibility to suppress your angry betrayal (felt towards the Narcissist and to those who you thought loved you) because if you don’t then they will come down hard on you and punish you (through isolation, alienation, judgement etc.). It seems like the Narcissist (or MN) has free reign but you do not – and it is your feelings that are entirely justified.

Should this be a non Malignant Narcissistic society, then it would be you who would be entirely justified and supported by the majority of peers. However, this kind of MN trait has been ingrained within our society so much that it is now the norm and you are the abnorm.

Which is why if you find yourself in company of those who can see clearly, really see and be able to discern (quietly) and stand firm (in a smart manner) then treat them like the valuable things that they are and hold on to them.

I digress.

Should you find yourself in the same position as this reader, then I would suggest that you never be ashamed of your anger and rage – this is a natural reaction when your boundaries have been trampled on. This is not something to hide away nor be embarrassed about. To feel pressurised into feeling ashamed and silenced is indicative of the Malignant Narcissistic breeding trickling through society and within interpersonal relationships.

It is our natural way to bare our teeth, so to speak, when a threat enters our territory or threatens our well being. Yes, animalistic but instinctual and it is natural instincts that keep us alive.

Should these natural instincts be eroded and replaced with priming then we have effectively become bait meat and because these types have no off buttons and are the ultimate consumers, then they will consume until we are extinct.

It is necessary to trust in your instincts and if by some weird fate you turn out to be completely wrong about someone (of which, I doubt rarely happens in life when you really think about it) then it is easier to make amends than to pick up shattered pieces of your life once one of these types has crossed you and annihilated your life.

So, yes, use that anger but use it wisely. Do not use it to seek out validation from either the unwoken (plug monkey’s) or the person who has caused you severe harm. You will never get it and you will cause yourself more pain. This is ego driven and it has been over inflated as a self protection measurement but directed towards the wrong area.

Use it to learn. Use the anger to learn and work into within your future. Understand what it was that made you angry and look at the path that took you to that point. See the indicators and over time, those indicators will become less and soon you will be able to judge at which point a situation will take you down the angry self defence road and at which point you can prevent it.

Prevention is better than trying to cure the illness.

Let this person drift, because like it or not, they have their own path to travel and Malignant Narcissists have been born this way and are doing what is natural to them and their existence – this will never change. What has happened is society is founded upon this without any balance for the opposite – you.

Narcissists made a conscious choice to follow in the foot steps of MN’s and character disorders are one step away from becoming Narcissists.

You can’t, once they have chosen this as an integral part of their make up (and never, should they be born this way) to change them.

The only thing you can do is decide how you will continue.

Let them drift but that doesn’t mean that they are then allowed to enter your space and do you harm whenever they please just because you (and others) let them drift.

You leave them in peace but  everytime they enter into your space and every time you feel that physical sensation of feeling threatened, you make sure that you verbalise that they need to back off. You do not need to justify yourself to anyone, indeed, it part of your priming that forces you to justify and effectively beg others to understand where you are coming from – and this is part of what they see as weakness because you are showing a self doubt and highlighting priming.

It is their understanding of social etiquette and protocol as well as knowing that social structures throughout the heirarchy now reward results regardless of how that result has been achieved, means that all they need is the backbone to push. To see risk but understand that psychology is such, that generally no one wants to stand up and be counted. That these types get away with it because no one wants to admit that they were wrong or show individuality of thought within a society that generally punishes those who stand out.

Their brazen-ness isn’t so much as brazen but niche capturing within today’s malignant psychology. It is very smart and skillful and to that end, I admire it, but this talent is used in a soul destroying way when it could so easily have been tuned into a soul evolving way – collectively.

When you look to others for alignment in your rage and they do not follow, even if you know that they have seen it for themselves then sure, feel let down (once more, don’t feel ashamed about your natural reaction to this), but during quiet time alone analyse the situation for its true meaning. Know that people are utility and for whatever reason, that person who trampled on you is of use to those who turn a blind eye. It could be because the person who has harmed you knows secrets about them too or it could be as simple as the Narcissist gives them power in some way (always controlled and always giddy euphoria to begin with in a short burst then a minimal drip, but a superiority is given against you in some form or another). ‘Positive’ or ‘Negative’ exchange, be sure that there is an exchange happening – and be certain that the MN/Narcissist will cut it off as soon as they are of no use…and ruin their characters should they try and continue the exchange when the MN/Narcissist has cut it off.

Now, let us look at practical ways that you can defend wisely without swaying away from your truth path. Let us look at being aware and then protecting yourself while you are forced to live side by side with the unwoken and also the harmful.

It is impossible to say that you can live your life completely removed from Malignant Narcissism and its derivatives because our entire societal infrastructure is created by it and has bred it right down to familial level.

What one must do is understand oneself; show compassion and trust for yourself and finally, increase the amount of like minded people around you while minimising unnecessary contact with MN’s and their derivatives.

Above everything else, know that you are here to serve but you are not a servant in chains. We find growth through reciprocality, not martyrdom to a vacuum. You are not in chains, but your connection can be just as strong and it is only you that can decide who needs you and how much you want to give.

Help but when you are kicked, help yourself .

Now, the practicality of this meaning.

When you feel uplifted by helping others or being around others, continue to do so. This means that it is reciprocal because you are getting help from who has received help from you. It is of equal exchange.

Should a person be poison to you and you also see them being poison towards others, yet you are the only person who seems to be (externally and openly) enraged by it then stand back and remove yourself from that area. To re enter or continue within it means that trying to ‘help’ others (see it/feel enraged/stand against them/admit that you were right etc.) is more important to you than your own well being. Do not let your ego overtake your sense of survival.

It is infuriating when no one stands by your side, but people will as soon as you show trust within yourself.

There are other people who feel as outraged as you but as equally unsure of their own strength.

For me, I remain civil (depending on the level of harm cast on me) but do not give one inch, nor one chance of self doubt. I leave nothing to chance.

You harm me once now, make me feel defensive (listen to how your body reacts and then act accordingly) and should I need to remain in your company then I will show no patience to you. Those half truths, starter rumours, ‘in jokes’, ribbing, sly digs, nods and winks to others in the group – absolutely anything and everything that you would allow a real friend or colleague to do (as thats interaction) – I do not allow a MN/Narcissist to do and don’t give a damn what other people think. The worst that they will think is that you are an absolute tight ass with no sense of humor – so what. All you need to do is show your true, loving and helping self to those who value it and rumour is quashed.

I have jokes and self depracating laughs with those who approach me as an equal, I take a zero tolerance approach to those who twist it to raise themselves to a higher platform and whoever clambers on board the MN/Narcissist platform while this is happening, I know the limits I need to put on them too.

Seeing the truth, seeing through the lies and being aware of yourself is a blessing. Knowing what to do with it and how to protect yourself is a challenge but not one out of your capability. Realising that your life may well be richer now but with more hurdles doesnt mean that you can’t cope, it means that you just haven’t found the right approach …but, it will come.

You stand firm; not just when seeing the truth but when defending your worth. Let those go who dont see the value in you because you are not chained to anyone you don’t want to be.

There is no shame in telling others that while they may like that person, you do not.

Keep it simple, don’t over complicate it because our truth path is a straight road. You are, beauty in its purest form and the true eye will always value this.

Please let me know if anyone would like me to qualify this with examples as I wrote this visually.

 

 

 

Take care and don’t give anything away to those who see you as an inferior. Equal exchange only.