I believe that it would be prudent of me to explain the 8 Stages of Grief.
Having gone through the pain, enlightenment and confusion of realisation of my past reality it occurred to me that Grief isn’t just connected to a physical death, but can be seen within victims of trauma who are trying to overcome and move on.
I will list the stages here and then describe what this meant to me.
Now, you will know – should you be a continual presence within this blog – that I feel quite prickly about Psychiatry and its derivatives. Especially the way in which more value is placed on the Malignant (more of a career challenge?) and finding a ‘cure’ for seeing Malignancy whereas victims (and you will see them everywhere) are fed pills and become a bore if they show no indication to ‘help themselves’ (by throwing themselves back into society without so much as a hint of past trauma)
Psychiatry is and has always been, to my mind, a form of eugenics and its creator was the Malignant.
Now, within Psychiatry and its derivatives (psychology, social work, counselling etc.) there will surely be genuine helpers. I have stated this before but will repeat that these people are fighting a battle against what is deemed popular, or in other words, what is fashionable to do. And what is presiding is Malignancy.
I have met my share of Malignant professionals but I have also been fortunate, when all seemed lost, to have genuine professionals enter my life and nudge me in the right direction. This has been luck and I am grateful for having these small interventions but it could have so easily went the other direction, and has been so for way too many people that I feel comfortable thinking about.
It would be irresponsible of me to suggest that medication and support is always Malignant to your present state. I am in no way suggesting that this is the case. I do believe, however, that a 100% trust in the medical and psychological field needs to be analysed by yourself whenever you embark on that form of intervention and support.
I also understand that during (and/or after) trauma there will be many times when you are not in the right frame of mind to fully analyse the help offered. I too, have been in this situation and all I could do was just allow it to happen.
Unfortunately, unless you have people around you that you trust implicitly to know exactly how you would feel towards each thing offered and by whom, then it is a case of hoping that it does work out. Furthermore, should you be isolated then it is even more of a treacherous path to recovery as you place your entire self in the care of those who may turn out Malignant.
Again, I was fortunate in that I had small interventions from decent helpers to nudge me back on course and also I had the unquenchable drive to survive and defeat this unknown monster that invaded my being.
I didn’t know my enemy but I knew that I would fight blind folded until my dying breath.
Now, the grief process.
1. Shock and Denial
2. Anger and Bargaining
3. Pain and Guilt
4. Depression and Lonliness
6. Analysing of environment
8. Acceptance and Rebuild
These stages don’t happen as they are written, nor do they happen over a set period of time. These stages are also not just for the external happenings but for the internal self. It is all to do with the where you place yourself within the new reality that you find yourself in and how you align yourself within the new world that you find yourself in.
Come from the place of ‘I’ , something which those who have been subjected from MN/Narcissism will find incredibly hard to do (unless you decide to follow it in the false sense, the Narcissistic sense), and you are effectively mourning a self who will die out. A self that dies is a self that you are without. No longer do you have a reality, nor do you have a projection that you believe in, nor do you have the projectors who created you.
This is a huge mourning. This is something that will take a long time for you to recover from.
I spent my entire grieving period angry. I also spent my entire grieving period sad, happy, elated, overjoyed, depressed, numb, doubtful, denied, needy, without need and empty.
I felt everything and nothing, all at the same time. I felt like I would spend my entire life feeling like this and at some points, I yearned for my past to come back into my environment and lambasted myself for shattering it. Secretly, I begged external forces to take me back so that I didn’t feel like this anymore.
Parts of me screamed “a’ha!” but other parts screamed “no, you can’t keep doing this”.
We are natural creatures in avoidance of pain but will happily go back to a pain if the one we are facing seems so much more. A lifetime of having your hand in a fire against a walk through of a burning world and it would be easy to see why some would willingly offer their hand once more.
But, as I stated within the c-PTSD post, having your entire world turn into hell is a necessary part of expulsion and renewal. It must come out of you and be presented before you in order for you to fully overcome the grief period. You must temporarily be thrown into a fire, but know that while this fire still burns it is clearing the world for you to plant new seeds.
The final stage doesn’t mean that you accept what has happened and everyone lives happily ever after. It doesn’t mean that you open your arms to your abusers (and abusive environments) and inform everyone that your accepting in how they are and you are healed.
It means, for me, that I have accepted myself and my position towards my past and also accept the level of monstrosity that these abusers have. I have accepted the brutal truth that they have no power over me and I have no power over them.
I have no power to change them, no power to love them regardless, no power to try and find them help. I am but a person, not a god, and I accept that in my full humanity I can and will do what I need to do to protect myself.
I will never forgive them nor will I ever ask for their apologies. I will embrace all of my sense of injustice but accept that this may never served within my lifetime.
Which means, stay out of my environment and I will stay out of yours. I will move on with my life, work with the tools that I have and learn who I am in this new environment but from here on in. Leaving them (past, present and future MN’s) to move in their life but with the understanding that if any of them consciously try to interfere with my world, you will need to accept that I will defend my territory like no other force they have ever known before.
The acceptance is self orientated more than anything. Embrace and be aware of every facet of yourself – light and dark. Work on yourself with humility but do not cripple yourself with inverted fear.
If someone threatens to destroy your new world, you fight.
I am infuriated with pop hippy waves that seem to flow through this world that try and brainwash you into even more of a malignantly imposed feeling of submissiveness and inferiority should you dare to feel anger, should you dare to not try and evolve into a god and cast your betrayal to one side and ‘love’ everyone to the extent that acceptance means ‘I welcome you and all that you do/did’.
Acceptance means waking up and knowing your limitations – knowing how much you can give to others before you start to feel ill.
You are not a god, you are not a superior life form (within this human body) and you are not a servant to others in some sort of psuedo-martyr ideal.
You have a right to be here, have a right to be happy and sad and mad and confused. Embrace it and learn from it, take from it what you need for future interactions.
If something angers you, say it. If something makes you unhappy, say it. If something makes you happy, enjoy it. Nothing is a permanent state, but many things can be cyclical – only you and your acceptance of who you are (in all facets) can progress through each state and still remain solid within.
For me, the end of my grieving process was signalled to me when I could look at people with new eyes and know how much of myself I could give each person without this feeling that I had to give everything to everyone. I understood that some I couldn’t give anything, some I could give a little to, and some I could give more.
With my parents, I can give basic pleasantries to. I can speak about the weather, the dog. I can give basic responses to their questions (superficial and never detailed) and I will only speak when spoken to directly. I avoid them as much as possible, reply to texts a few days later (should they ever text) and avoid one on one company with them. Whenever I can avoid them, I do. Should I have to be in their company, I keep my distance (emotionally) and stay conscious of their games (and never enter them). I allow them zero rope when they try and intimidate me and don’t care who witnesses it or what anyone thinks.
What matters to me is my new world and they are the unfortunate weeds that crop no matter how much industrial weed killer I blast them with.
I no longer feel crippled by doing this and no longer feel upset by it. I do not long for an imagined parental relationship and don’t wish for one in the future.
I apply this, to varying degrees, to each and every single person I encounter. Of course, the extreme of it is only applied if someone tries to purposely ignore my warnings (like avoidance, walking away, changing subjects etc.) and tries to enter my space to cause me harm. It has worked (my colleague from an earlier post left about a week after I posted).
The main turning point was my acceptance that I am worthy and it is my duty to respect my being in its entirety and follow/defend my truth.
You will never change anything within this malignant world if you refuse to accept yourself.
You will never accept yourself if you fail to understand that a malignant world capitalises on your lack of self compassion.