Intentions within a Malignant Environment
I have stated previously that it is impossible to eradicate all traces of Malignancy and Narcissism within your environment; past, present and in the future. Unless you retreat into a permanent state of isolation then you will always be faced with people and places that possess the ability to create and cause you harm and push you off your truth path.
I have even mentioned briefly within the comments section, in response to a reader’s query, that it is more than acceptable to remove yourself into a temporary state of hermitic confinement should you feel that you need it in order to re assess the information, solidify awareness and reform accordingly. So long as it is temporary and progressive (analyse, assess, solidify and act upon positively) then by all means, take a time out.
Any longer though, and the abuse that you are hiding from will come to find you – from within you and turn you into that which you most fear with no one to hear your pleas for peace and comfort.
There are many out there who have either travelled or understand your travels, but they will be unable to reach out and offer you reciprocality and connection (with connection, there comes strength..with reciprocality, there comes allegiances) and indeed, won’t even know that you are there if you keep yourself hidden away.
When I came out of hiding, after a few years of isolation living in the middle of nowhere, it would take me a few more years to be at the point where I was when I wrote my List of Intentions.
I felt inclined to write them and without much thought, did I give, just how automatically aware of what my inner self needed and had always needed.
My Intentions List isn’t a Bucket List (that had good intentions on its creation but has now been hijacked by the Narcissists among us who think their life is too entitled to live like the humdrum) but a list that I know from within that I must constantly work on in order to remain on my truth path. It is a list that intends to increase self from the point of connection to others and increase connection to self from the point of the type of others I feel will sustain me and help me to give me my all.
I have kept it on my fridge door and look briefly at it, often. When I falter, it is there to remind me to get back on track. When I revert back to types of old, it is there to remind me to temper my Narcissistic Defensive Qualities and listen to my inner self.
This list may never reach complete fruition but life is a working progress through the stance of humility and knowing your Universal Place (not the place that has been imposed on you by Malignancy).
It is a list that will never help me avoid tragedy completely – tragedy can and will befall us all throughout our entire lives and no one is safe from that. But, it will help build me into a person who will recover and regenerate without the trauma prior.
We are all special, all have a place within this world and all have our own paths to walk but do not for one second think that the Universal Path will favour those who do not help themselves to understand their own paths. We will have many guides in this life but none will force you down any paths if you refuse to put your walking shoes and use your legs.
Knowing what tools you need in order to become fulfilled is up to you. Be the master of your own ship and you will travel your own oceans and come across many adventures that may fill you or drain you but you will always have the wisdom to take lessons and draw out your maps accordingly.
1. Be the best mum
2. Be the best partner
3. Move to a house with stairs and a garden
4. Train to be a primary teacher
5. Get a friend for our dog
6. Finish and publish childrens book
7. Have enough money – always
8. Lose weight and get healthy
9. Have healthy attitude to alcohol – for enjoyment not through boredom
10. Communicate better
11. Laugh more
12. Think about past less
13. Not be so hard on self
14. Have at least one more baby
15. Trust in others more
The List is exactly how I have it written and it is simplified because I know exactly what I mean by it.
Being the best mum and partner is of course, entirely subjectively and can be construed as my need for perfectionism (a self-control tool used by the abused in order to avoid abuse – past defensive tool). However, all it means is that I work on the parts that were damaged by my past and always be aware of behaviour that is regressive, rather than progressive to our family life. It is a continual battle to not let my past affect my family.
With trust in my partner to point out slip ups (such as my temper or silent treatments etc.) and the space from him to work through these, talk about it, apologise (on both sides) then make a concerted effort to not let it happen again (my temper is becoming less and less these days) or at the very least communicate to him how much I am struggling to find another way to express my anger/upset/frustration. I have found new tools to express and over time these are becoming more my way than the way I had prior, which usually involved objects being thrown across the room or me screaming at him then stomping about the house slamming doors and swearing like a fury from hell.
My temper will always be there because I am a fighter now. But, it is up to me to channel that into positive fighting and smarter battle plans than just blowing my top in order to silence others.
So, this is part of what I mean when I said ‘be the best partner’ – to show respect to myself and to my partner, I must constantly work on parts of myself that is regressive to our future commitment towards one another’s mutuality.
To be the best mum – again, not perfectionism but in direct response to my perfectionism and my wish to temper it. I live in perpetual fear for my child’s safety within this dark world and if I could carry him in my bosom for his entire life then my fear would. Simultaneously, I need to be aware of the neglect I had from my parents and its devastating effect it had on me – and the punishment I received from my parents when they were forced to view their neglect on me.
It’s a balancing act – to not cast a child out to watch them burn ‘for their own good’ while not smothering them through fear of past repeats or potential new happenings.
And it all comes down to me to learn this balance. To be aware of the dangers from an acceptable distance, to trust your child to let you know when they are ready and to trust yourself to love healthily.
To be the best mum means to me – communication, learning and progressing through love. I apologise to my son when I do something that doesn’t help me to be the best mother to him. He may be just a toddler but he deserves that humility. I hold him and say sorry – I’m his mother, not infallible to making mistakes. The way he hugs me shows me that he deserves a person who leads by example.
Apologies are something I have had to learn. They came thick and fast when I was growing up but it was more a forced grovelling through hours, days, weeks, months of silence and/or physical torment by my parents to beat me into submission. I did it because I had to in order to survive. I normally wasn’t in the wrong but I still had to bow down to them in order to be welcomed back into their fold.
Because of that, I never apologised to anyone else unless they were deemed to be in a position of authority over me then you would never stop hearing the word ‘sorry’ scatter throughout each and every sentence that came out of my mouth. Peers or those perceived to be ‘below’ me were never given such a thing.
Until I met my partner. I was then taught the true meaning of saying sorry. You say sorry if you understand what you have done wrong, regret it, know your responsibility about it and love that person’s sense of autonomy with such ferocity that you want to let them know that you will work on upholding it in the future (protecting it) rather than smashing it down with your sense of importance over it.
With my son, at the stage of life he is at, my apologies are only so far as saying sorry if I make him cry by accidentally knocking him down with my pregnant belly or when he gets frustrated with me when I fail to understand his baby talk. I know when he grows older, I will make heavy mistakes that will break his little heart (for we are all human) but my humility and love for him will make it easy for me to fall down to his height and look deep into his eyes and say sorry, please forgive me.
That to me, is being the best I can be.
There are never ultimate answers but we are all important puzzle pieces that form a whole picture – a working to find that whole picture takes mistakes, fails, try, try, fail, succeed – and genuine apologies even to the little babies.
The house with stairs and a garden and always having enough money are material wishes. I wish to have a house with a garden for my family to play in without having to be at the mercy of loud neighbours upstairs and sharing a garden with those you wouldn’t have in your life generally speaking.
Enough money doesn’t mean to be rich but to have enough every month to always pay bills and still be in credit – years of struggling financially is something I have had to endure but I do not wish to make my children endure. But, I always make sure that my family never know just how poor we are and our meals are always home cooked and fresh.
The rest, well, they are fairly straightforward.
I decided to reveal this section of my life in order to show you that I am your equal. I have my downfalls as well as qualities that are admirable – just the same as each and every single one of you. There is nothing within me that makes me any more knowledgeable than you. I could be at a stage in my life of awareness that makes me slightly more progressed than yourself, or could be slightly more behind you. I will learn from you just as much as you may learn from me.
The main thing is to understand that I need daily focus to stay on my truth path and I need people around me just as much as people need me around them.
I will falter, I will face travesty, I will always face a battle against forces that pose a threat to my truth path and/or pose a threat to me regressing back.
I will constantly fight against those who harness Malignancy but I will also be faced with a battle within because of my past.
As I have stated earlier within my blog, we are not gods here nor should we try and emulate them. We are human beings and must embrace our failings/weaknesses/strengths and humility but always from a perspective of humanity.
I will work on my Intentions List and never be scared to reveal just how deep my humanity runs.
With your humanity there will be a re balance within this world of Malignancy.