“During times of Universal Deceit, telling the Truth becomes a Revolutionary Act”
“During times of Universal Deceit, telling the Truth becomes a Revolutionary Act”
My mind is fully focused on the Syria Crisis right now, so for the time being, I will be writing about this.
It is important for me to note, that my heart goes out to all of the innocent civilians who are living and breathing terror and death within their own country. I honestly can not imagine, in its entirety, how these civilians are coping with the imbedded terror – everyday imparting a new horror.
All I can do is imagine what it would be like for my family and I should my country turn into a war zone.
These leaders of each country are the ones who propagating war at every opportunity because they want power – power of natural resources, power of numbers, power through rule.
Citizens of each country – within the US, UK, China, Russia, Syria, Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan (and every other country in this world) – just want to get on with life and generally have no ill feeling towards people from other countries and would welcome you with open arms should one ever knock on their door.
People are naturally generous, kind, helpful, open and altruistic – it is our Higher Authorities (media, government, law makers, religious heads etc.) that are warping our perspectives to suit their own needs.
It doesn’t matter to the general lay person if one is Muslim, Christian, Chinese, English, Scottish, Canadian, Scientologist, Male, Female, Transgender, Bisexual, Gay…it doesn’t matter to us on a personal natural level, but it suddenly does matter when our Higher Authorities twist it so it then affects us.
The ones/groups that have hate in their heart regarding others are the very ones who have sold their truth become a foot soldier. They have bought into the Malignancy and thrive, wanting a piece of the pie to themselves. They will do everything in their power to whip up hostility and will aid and abet Higher Authorities to persuade you that your truth is wrong.
When it starts to affect us, when the small amount of freedom and benefits that we have is degraded even further (and who has degraded these freedoms previously, one might need to ask?), then we agree that our Higher Authority is correct about their assertion that ‘they’ are the enemy and diverts us from the real truth – that of, triangulation for more power.
The true enemy is the Malignant Narcissists at the helm – the ones who are pushing with all of their might and power to go to war with Syria.
I say this because of the following;
The UK government has voted against our leaders wishes for an attack, but only by a small majority. A small enough number for the leader and his backers to initially feign defeat but with every intention to come back next week and over ride it.
I believe that they have every intention to join US (the US are in position and have publicly stated that they are going to follow through) but had to give the facade of ‘listening to the people’.
I think that Monday will be the day that it starts to turn around – something will happen that will ‘prove’ to the UK population that our leader was in fact right, and our national security is at risk and we were to naive think in peaceful terms. This ‘proof’ will be a set up, a twisting but it will be enough to over turn that small majority and also over turn a majority of the population who are right, but will now be fed mis information.
Mis information being; yes, a certain incident did happen, yes it does now affect our security but no, it was not done by who your Higher Authorities are saying it is.
The wheels have been in motion for years. Remember, I asserted that MN’s play the long game and I also asserted that majority consent does not necessarily equal the truth within Malignant Narcissist rule.
Single people are smart, groups are dumb. Which is why we can all opinion-ate but will very rarely rise as a group against.
These civilians are as much victims to their Higher Authorities as we are from our own. Of course, once we the west attacks, all they will see is an assault from those ‘villians’ their own HA’s have twisted them into believing. And yes, they will view us (in general) as the enemy.
And we are, as they will be (have been) to us. But, that is only because of the games of illusion and deception our leaders are playing in order to gain power, control and resources.
We are all pawns and our gullibility to see physical evidence as proof enough to determine who did it means that we will all be dragged into a war – on the most part willingly.
Keep your initial reaction to this war close to your heart. Your initial reaction is the truth. Erosion of that truth into a contrived ‘truthlie’ is a process that is happening as I type.
None of us are enemies, each of us care for others but our cognitive dissonance (after years and years of blindly following HA’s) means that we will eventually help in the annihilation of other countries and indeed, our own.
Do not for one minute believe that our leaders are doing this for a moral code. They have each played part in atrocities equaling and/or greater than this chemical attack. I would even suggest that this chemical attack was set up by those purporting to be the moral judge and jury.
Our leaders are figure heads – figure heads for the Administrators, the ones who turn the Malignant Wheels.
Look to the news between the lines, see the demise of independent Investigative Journalism and the rise of shiny (swan) media.
See also that the citizens within our countries and others do not naturally want to hurt others, regardless of our beliefs/gender/vulnerabilities.
Our willingness to believe truthlies is due to having lived within Malignancy for so long.
I will take this opportunity to further remind you what a truthlie is;
The truth is what you see/witness before you – the end result. The lie is who, what, where and when. The TruthLie is merging the end truth and the foundational lie of who, what, where and when into a ‘truth’ that satisfies an agenda set by those in power.
This can be seen at grass roots level – between siblings by their parents and on a wider global scale – between country citizens and the leaders.
I believe that wheels have been in motion towards attack for some time now and individually, each person within this country and the next, knows exactly what is going on and for what reasons. I also believe that a full attack will happen. I further believe that this war (ongoing) between the ‘west’ and ‘Islam’ is a farce – the war is a war about resources.
I will do my best to sound like a conspiracy theorists – another group which has been scapegoated and ridiculed – but what I will say is, really look to see where the tensions arise from, where the actual source is and who creates it.
See behind the superficial and look at the true source.
We are all triangulated, gas lighted and scapegoated and while we are busy actively fighting within and against each other, the true source of these Malignant tactics are preparing for a potential world war.
The bankers got away with destroying our economy and the Higher Authorities managed to avert by pointing the finger at the disabled, vulnerable, low income earners and women. We are now busy attacking those we should be protecting.
The same tactics run throughout our entire society and until enough people manage to discern and stand firm, then we will carry on self regulating torture and low living standards while thanking these false prophets for protecting our eroding standards and security from ‘the enemy’.
I have written to my politician and he assures me that he informed me that he is against the attack. But, what else can one do? What can we do? Protests are fast becoming criminal offences, voting for another leader when they are all the same is pointless and instructions on how you want your taxes to be used is an impossibility.
The only thing that is still available to us (and this too, will change) is our freedom within the internet. So, that is what I will do.
Until we have a society built upon integrity, responsibility, leadership through these qualities and move within this world from a place of equality then unfortunately our society will remain sick.
We are lending a hand to our demise because it seems safer to follow in ignorance than lead in courage.
Do not look to your fellow peers for the blame – look above at the mob rule.
Stay close to your truth and verbalise it as much as you can, write about it, and never submit to the devious soul less charms of those who propagate the abuse against you while pretending they are your protectors.
I have just spent the morning reading some of the online articles about Syria and it has actually brought tears to my eyes.
There is quite clear evidence that the attack has happened, as our tv screens are filled with shrouded bodies lining their streets, but what isn’t clear is who did it.
I make a concerted effort to avoid the news and political happenings such as this because it upsets me too much to watch it, however, I am very concerned that should the UK and US attack Syria then we will be entering a World War and it won’t go well for us.
Syria has played on my mind now for a few years, I knew not why nor do I even know where it is but I knew that there was danger there – a danger for us. A huge danger for us.
It is absolutely awful what has happened to these citizens, but it is something that is happening throughout the world (not necessarily chemical attacks, but the wilful destruction of its citizens for power) and one wonders why the UK are so hell bent to get involved in this when on the grander scheme of things, death of citizens by Higher Authorities is something everyone (including the UK and its own citizens) generally turns a blind eye to.
I don’t know, on purpose, the technicalities behind each countries involvement with another – however, the general pattern is; if you have a natural resource or an ally of a natural resource, then you will be targetted in a frame up situation. The accumulation of natural resources and therefore, power, is something that has never changed. What has changed is that our war technology has advanced to such a degree that no one will be safe.
The Malignancy within each country is one that will only attack another country should it need something. So, what is it that Syria has that the US and UK need/want?
The polls here in the UK say that over 3/4’s of those polled are against this attack and still our parliament put on the facade that they are deciding what to do…with the US moving into position as I type. I noted elsewhere that a ‘decision’ must be made by Friday so that an attack can happen by Monday – this hardly bodes well for a peaceful turn around.
I don’t know the answer but what I do know is this is a terrifying situation we are entering and one we must take very seriously.
In my previous post, I stated that I would move on to discuss Fathers, primarily Narcissistic Fathers.
Historically speaking, men have been at the helm for thousands of years. Within the home, establishments, education, medicine, exploration/war, religion, trade and administration. Effectively, they set the foundations of society based on their perspective and their logistical advantage.
They were the provider and capitalised on everything to optimise that role.
Families were to rely on that provider, listen to that authority and follow the patriarchal societal lead on any issue of the day (until Suffragettes within Western Society, but I will leave that to one side). The world was built by man, within the ideology of capitalising to the optimum for the sake of providing.
Women and children were the supposed benefactors of such capitalism but strictly within the boundaries and rules set by those providers. To that extent, they were automatically viewed as extensions to that man.
Man being the husband, religion, government, law, medicine, teacher. Women and children were effectively servants to the temperament of any authority and ‘married to/children of’ each authority within society during this life and into the next (heaven etc.).
Authoritative man was the constant, however, who was in primary authority was fluid depending on the circumstances.
For example; a husband was master over his wife and children, but the teaching authority would become the master during set times.
Regardless of which ‘male’ had authority, there existed a constant presence of man’s masterdom within society.
This omnipresent control meant that ‘truths’ were created and conditioned, passed down the generations.
Majority consent is a powerful tool when trying to gain control, because too many people to this day still believe that numbers = truth.
For those who have mastered the discern and stand firm, you will know that this is absolute folly. But, unfortunately, at this moment in time, you are in the minority and will be attacked collectively if you declare something is false when the vast majority believe it to be true.
Returning back to fathers.
Given that history has revolved around man and then passed down generation to generation, it is quite understandable when met with a Narcissistic Father.
Understandable, but never acceptable.
A father with Narcissism is a father who has bowed down to history, denied critical thinking of self, denied evolution of self and desires extensions to glorify him.
He still sees his children as extensions, still sees his wife as an extension and will no doubt rule the roost with terror, intimidation and disconnection while viewing it as his noble duty to do such things. He will lecture from the perspective that his is a knowledge passed down through the generations and within him is the strength of his forefathers, guiding him to tower over his extensions, just as his father had done – and ‘it couldn’t have done me any harm, because look at me’.
His children were created to serve him, his family produced to be sycophants to appease his temper and each one programmed to be grateful for having such a strong man at the helm. Publicly grateful, secretly one knows what you think.
And it is this secretly part that will drive him to quash you. In his mind it is high treason to harbour such disloyal thoughts. He adores the idea of having thought police so finally, he can reveal just how treacherous and ungrateful you are.
However, it will do just as well to create faults within you, justifying punishments given to you while simultaneously raising him to the skies.
There are Narcissistic Fathers who are neglectful and unaware of their family needs because they deem his family as having more than enough materialistically – for that, with regards to this kind of NF, is all that he has ever thought to be of importance.
There are Narcissistic Fathers who may not have the tools to increase his material wealth but places himself before his family in other ways; such as training his children with view to being prison meat before they leave the teenage years or allowing them to look after themselves while the father sits on the sofa drinking himself into oblivion or only paying attention to his wife when the meal is late in being made.
This, my friends, is still a very real reality within ‘modern’ society and part of the reason why I still believe that this society is very much a patriarchal one and only marginally, on the grand scheme of things, one of equality between genders,
I will leave gender inequality to one side. I merely stated it in context to Narcissistic Fathers because they are a result of thousands of years of human development and indeed, are held up in high regard to this day (unless you are a victim of such a person, but even then I am sure that you have a huge battle ahead to gain any allys). It is probably even behind why so many people are in shock when one informs others of how wicked their mother was – one may expect cruelty from a father, but a mother? Never.
Power and therefore, control, is something that warps even the most genuine of person. I personally think that everyone has a capacity to be cruel – for we are all a mixture of murky and light – but it is our awareness and then choice which determines which road we will go down.
Fathers have been given the golden ticket over the centuries and it is something that is hard to let go; that power and control, that idea that your family are individuals with individual thoughts and dreams.
So, would you say that only ‘traditional’ style families have Narcissistic Fathers?
I would suggest that this is not the case.
Any man who has produced children with a woman has the propensity to be Narcissistic, regardless of the family model he works in.
This is because of the macro upholding through the patriarchal rule within religion, government, medicine, teaching etc.
I have asserted previously that Narcissism is a learned behaviour, turning into a natural state after a certain time (crossroads). This is especially prevalent for men because we are still living within a patriarchal world.
I have great admiration for men who are very much proud of their masculinity and the power that they have and can wield, but travel through this world with awareness and do not abuse the power that is so readily offered to them by Higher Authorities.
I would also say that men are, to a certain degree, publicly allowed to mis treat their families because of this patriarchal rule. It is still very much viewed as a necessary evil in order to raise a brood into conditioned servants of the Higher Authorities.
So, whether the abuse is hidden or in clear view, it is very unlikely that anyone will come to your rescue as a child and/or wife. In fact, it is more than likely that you (the wife) and you (the child) will be ostracised and demonised should you ever speak out or stand up for your autonomy.
It is still imbedded within popular view that any harm done to yourself and/or children was something that one asked for.
As we all know, abuse can happen within physical, emotional, spiritual, intellectual spheres. There are quite a number of theories which try and pin point which abuse has the most far reaching effects; which abuse is the most harmful.
I would assert that each is of equal harm when trying to stay on one’s truth path.
Alternatively, you could have the most glorious father in the world but your truth path will be faced from harm at some point in your life, one way or another. There is no getting around it – it is just unfortunate for those who have immediate danger since birth within a place that is meant to be one’s haven for recharging and growing into a discernible, reciprocal human being.
Which brings me to my next point.
Reciprocity is the main key when discerning. Should you give love, trust and warmth and the only thing that is returned to you is abuse and disconnection then of course you will, as a child, grow up with a skewed sense of what you get when you give.
In other words, if all you get is pain and abuse when you give out the nice things found within you, you will either a. refuse to give them out or/ b. give them out to everyone to further solidify how right that original abuser was.
Another part is something which generally affects others deeply. Please do not read the following if you are still affected by such things.
It is about sexual abuse and I will leave a huge space after this sentence so that your eyes do not skim it unknowingly, just in case it is something still very raw to you.
Edit: Apologies, I have just checked this post and there wasn’t a space after the line. I think this has been rectified.
I spoke about skewed reciprocity and disconnection, as well as generationally embedded patriarchal rule.
Narcissistic Fathers see their families as extensions of themselves. They will abuse within any sphere as they see fit and/or as they find most effective tool for subservience.
Sexual abuse towards their partner and/or children is not a sexual gratification but it is another control tool.
I would disagree with those who believe that sexual abuse (paternally and matrimonially) is representative of Narcissism through the analogy of that flouncy little boy (as wholly dismissed by myself at the beginning of this blog) wants to have sex with himself.
I assert that sexual abuse is indeed based from extension (and one always wants to control one’s own body) however, it is a form of self flagellation. It is hate towards one’s own body and those extensions are the only extensions that will retain that hate, anger and disgust and be objects for future pressure release.
Disconnection is a funny mixture within the Narcissist. One wonders if the patriarchal society imparted a duty to feel connected to their child and wife , then perhaps there wouldn’t be this prevalence of sexual abuse within fathers/men.
At this point, may I add that I am fully aware that mothers/women have the capacity to sexually abuse their husbands and children – or indeed, others. However, for the sake of the title, I will focus solely on Narcissistic Fathers.
I maintain the awareness that while statistics show an overwhelming majority within the home are paternal (fathers/husbands) and a huge degree of public admittance from a victim of sexual abuse states that a man was their abuser, I do understand that women have been able to hide within the ‘mother madonna/maternal’ guise for centuries and it is only just starting to turn a corner in uncovering just how abusive Narcissistic mothers can be.
So far, I have gathered that mothers sexual abuse generally runs along the lines of emotional incest rather than physically intrusive. However, this may well be a topic for another time.
It is also possible that NFathers, do not have clear sexual boundaries when viewing their children. They may find it acceptable to comment on a child’s blossoming body or play fight inappropriately or look too long at what his child is wearing. Only allowing himself the ‘priviledge’ of seeing you as a sexual being and being outraged if any outsider does the same.
He may even show outrage at you should you fall victim to sexual abuse outside of his realm and state that you were wholly deserved of it because you know what you are doing (making men crazy with desire).
He may, in fact, be the opposite, and cover you up or keep you within strict confines until he passes you to a man he deems worthy (worthy, for these men, usually mean what they profit from it and not for whats best for you).
Whichever way, it is nothing to do with you for you are a child – never ever think that you deserve or ask for it. And if this pattern follows you throughout your life, you don’t deserve it but you do now have the opportunity to claim your self back.
My own father is still in close touch with my abusers. Of course, I am angry. Angry that they tried to beat the ‘demon’ out of me then perform an exorcism on me when I was just 17. I am furious. Angry that my sense of sexual worth was reduced to a satanic temptation before I even hit puberty. Angry that this self hatred with being evil, carried me through probably hundreds of men and ended up with me being an escort, having given up and given myself to the knowledge that I was ‘Satans Harlot’.
However, I have used that fury to strengthen my survival, not weaken it. I protect my son, I protect my partner and I protect myself.
And my NFather? I can see now that he sold his soul a long time ago and all I have to do now is just wait for his time to leave this world. There is no love because everything he ‘put’ on me was what he was…and I lived his hell through self prophesying, so I know exactly what kind of chaos is inside of him.
He has no power over me and that is more torturous to him than any court punishment.
Narcissistic Fathers are ones who have been conditioned and then chose to follow that path, never returning to their original truth.
Malignant Narcissist Fathers are born that way, have always been that way and that is their truth path. They do not know any different, unlike the Narcissistic Father, they have never known any other perspective nor believe that there is.
MN Fathers are, in their entirety evil (for want of a better word), our opposite and at the helm of every Higher Authority. MN’s create character disordered, the character disorders then choose to follow the Narcissistic path of their Authority who damaged them or shed the disordered skin and renew themselves from a stance of acceptance.
It is Malignant Narcissists (within this fatherly context) that will take abuse to the extreme, leaving no angle untouched and these children will face incredible challenges to their recovery, if indeed they survive.
Narcissistic Fathers, having been aware of a life before this soul selling, will no doubt be the ones that children say ‘But, sometimes he is so nice and it is that niceness that I hold on to whenever I see him being evil.’
When you managed to capture a small moment with your father, a genuine hug or a pat on the back …any sort of fatherly tenderness…you hold on to that with such tenacity that it seems almost impossible to give up hope that he will won’t change.
Our fathers are designed historically to be our leaders, providers and lesson givers – our ultimate authority. If that authority abuses us then sprinkles small doses of tenderness, then we will grow up to never expect anything more from any other person. Love will equal minimal tenderness.
We will also learn that if we are not getting abused then we are not loved. ‘I only do this because I love you’, ‘Its impossible to be any other way with you as you just don’t listen’ etc.
With sons, you will learn how to be a man through that or you will reject it completely and spend your life questioning your male worth. With daughters, you will inadvertently seek out and welcome future abuse from others or reject your father and spend your life questioning your female worth.
That is until you find acceptance. The final stage of grief and one which will help let you get on with your life with renewed confidence.
As I have stated earlier, my father is a Narcissist. I do get small flashes of who he was…who he could have been in its entirety if only he had the courage when the time came.
I am still in contact with him, but I see no relationship and feel quite indifferent towards him and anything he says. I don’t love him – sure I love him but in a ‘he needs to be put out of his misery like a rabid dog’ kind of way rather than a ‘I would do anything for you’ kind of a way.
I am just waiting for him to pass on to his next life as all he is now is a permanent reminder of what he and my mother could have had but chose to eat it up and spit it out. They had the world at their feet with children who adored them and they took that power and wanted more.
I have spoken to my dad countless times, trying to see if he could tap into that empathy and compassion or even just try and ignite some sort of fatherly protective instinct within him, to see if after all of this time he could look back with different eyes and see just how damaging he was to his children (not to mention his wife). But he fakes compassion and puts on the Teflon skin.
He has no understanding, because he sees everything as extensions to himself which means there is only one perspective, his.
He can’t hurt me anymore as I am on a different level to him now, and in fact, he feels intimidated by me and what he says has no effect on me anymore – I can see right through him and avoid any games he inadvertently tries to play.
And this is the thing, the crux of it.
Narcissists (and in this context, narcissistic Fathers) will never ever view anything from a stance of equality. It will always be from a superior or inferior stance.
Once you reach that superior level, you will be left untouched – in fact, they will punish themselves for not being good enough for you.
If you are seen at an inferior level, is when you will be abused and ridiculed. You are a permanent, ugly shameful little secret that they need to work hard at trying to ‘clean’ you up.
I do not want to be his superior, just as much as I didn’t want to be his inferior. I just wanted a dad. But, I have come to discover that it is all making in his own head and has absolutely no bearing on who I am or what I am doing.
It is a change of awareness that shifted within me and once I done this, I could view that man holding everything within him that he spent his life projecting onto him – saying that it was all me.
I minimise contact with him (and my mum) because it is draining. They are so incredibly vacuous – in that, they have a never ending black hole to fill – that spending any length of time with them would be detrimental to the work I have put in to make my family a healthy one.
When you meet healthy people, they give as well as take. We have energy around us that is shared and if it is not shared equally, then our being will either dip or raise.
My father enters a room and drains it and still wants (demands) more. His words don’t affect me anymore, he is no longer physically capable of harming me anymore, and I have a strong partner who can see right through him. However, his energy has been perverted for so many years that it has become a consumer and he is no longer aware of it.
He has no idea of loyalty, love, morality or truth. Nor, does he know anything about courage, faith, trust.
He is aware of the words but his understanding of these words are fully reverted back to his self . In other words, all of these things must be given to him but nothing is required of him in return. Furthermore, none of these words are understood in their true sense but warped into new meanings that suit him.
Which is another task that a victim child has to overcome on growing up and onwards from a father such as this.
With Narcissistic Fathers you are not the best child you can be until you are fully compliant in the role he sets out for you. Whether that is the awful child, beautiful child, sexually appealing child, intellectual child or mixture of everything to suit his changing moods.
Until the day he dies you are meant to be a servant to his ever increasing demands, and they will increase as he gets older.
Personally, I keep a distance but interject should I feel that he is entering into harmful situations and/or harming others.
This is because of my own personal understanding of my situation and because I can’t in all good conscious sit back and watch him hurt himself and/or others. In fact, within his own family of origin, he is (believe it or not) at the very bottom of the Narcissistic food chain and used and abused by his own family.
He treated me growing up, just how his family treat him. Now, that I have a feeling of indifference to him as a father, I can subtly try and avert any major disasters within the family.
This kind of thing is not recommended should you still be trying to heal. I would always recommend looking after yourself first then taking anything else on in small, non committal doses and only if you stay well while doing it.
He will be, until the day he dies, a severely deluded man. He has created this fantasy ‘mob rule’ family world but there are fractures. Fractures which he clearly sees and refuses to believe it is him. In response to these fractures, he has run back to his own Narcissistic family of origin and allows them to twist him even further away from us.
It is not my problem and however your father made you feel is not your problem. Your issue now is to re wire what he taught you and then you will be able to discern healthy modes, from non healthy modes. Once this has been completed, you will feel indifference towards your father and indifference towards anyone else who tries to replicate how your father was to you.
One of the first clues, on meeting someone new, is where do they place you? Do they come from a stance of equality or from an inferior and/or superior stance.
How you are placed, is how you will be treated from there on in. Always try and meet from a place of equality, regardless of who they are and act from that stance.
You are the master of yourself and need no replacement father. Having a mentor in your life does not mean that they should take over the paternal role. They will, if healthy, offer advice but only if you ask for it and will allow you to make your own decision without judgement.
I am sure I will touch upon this topic at a later date.
Historically, men have been allowed to rule whichever way they wish. It seems to be their default but not one that you need to accept.
If you find yourself putting more work into having a relationship with your father than you put in to any other area in your life, then perhaps the problem isn’t you but them…relationships are meant to uplift not drag your down.
You are worthy of love and respect, especially if that is all you have ever given out.
My previous post was initially to exemplify a cross road moment and how he went down the right path, for his own well being. It then, as life would have it, turned into a tale of feeling deceived and wondering if my brother had followed the wrong path.
I am happy to inform you that he had two choices put before him – one would have been the choice his old self would have chosen and the other the choice of a changed, good man – and he chose to follow his word.
He pleaded guilty, used my sister and I’s original letters and told the solicitor that he didn’t want his sisters to stand up in court and he wanted to take full responsibility and deal with the consequences. He thanked me in a text saying that I had done more than he deserved and whatever happens, he will continue to turn his life around and rid himself of old conditioning.
He received a fine and has to see a Social Worker in order to make sure that he is what he presented himself as, a product of his past and now no longer living by the codes of old.
That was his biggest test, a universal test to see if he would revert back or follow his truth path. He faltered, but found his way…found his conscience. Throughout his life he will be faced with many more tests, for the devil never gives up on you once he has had you.
My advice to him and to anyone who has found their truth path after a long period of darkness; Whenever you are presented with a situation, you will feel a dull thudding or sharp pain…your body will physically react, letting you know something isn’t right – that you need time out to think about it.
Step back, take a day or two and think about which choice will make you feel more at ease in the long term. When I know something is terribly wrong, or I am being deceived or a situation is against what I stand for but I haven’t yet discovered exactly why – my heart feels like it expands and drops into my stomach, my hands start shaking and my breathing gets heavier.
I know now to follow this as a warning and to stand guard until I figure it out.
I normally declare that I smell a rat and it will only be a matter of time before I see it.
It is imperative that you take a step back, not make any rash decisions as these rash decisions will be made from your default; that of your past conditioned self. It will take time, a number of years (sometimes, one will always be aware but never fully overcome), depending on the extent of the conditioning, before your default is your truth path.
This means that you must step back and analyse anything that demands an action, decision, involvement from yourself towards another person.
Non MN/Narcissists will freely give you the time and space to decide.
If, for example, a decision must be made quickly (for example, my brother had only a day to decide how he was pleading) then give yourself as much time as possible removed from the environment….go for a walk, meditate, listen to your favourite music – anything but make sure its alone.
Dig deep and find the inner truth on what you must do then do not divert from that.
I am glad my brother chose the right path, he will find that from now on, his internal chaos will lessen and opportunities/people will start to present themselves in a positive manner. He will start to shine again.
My next post will centre around a query that I have had, regarding Narcissistic Fathers. I hope it is of some help to you.
I stated in my last post that I would discuss my brother. I do feel uncomfortable with discussing specific events and I do struggle to write about them.
This is because I am not sure how to write about it. I am not sure if it would serve any purpose or have any relevance. Is it really necessary for me to give specific examples, in all of its glory, to emphasis my messages and understanding?
Perhaps. Perhaps not. So, until I am sure I will veer to the perhaps not.
However, I believe the specific story of my brother and I does serve a purpose.
It serves a purpose because he was a character disordered with narcissistic defensive qualities – like myself – and saw him follow in our dad‘s foot steps….then hit his cross roads and changed back to himself.
Our previously close relationship was smashed to the ground one fateful night about 6 months after I gave birth and I honestly thought that I had lost him. Not physically, as I knew where he was (I just emailed him saying I couldn’t let him near my family until I sure he was ok) but spiritually.
Before my eyes, I saw him take steps closer and closer to a no return Narcissist. I watched him emulate our dad – his mannerisms, chauvinism, misogyny, sexual perversion and aggression. It creeped into his very being insidiously and I knew it was only a matter of time before he turned on me.
6 months after giving birth he did.
We had been out for a birthday and got back to the hosts flat. My brother had left earlier as he had got into a fight with a group of men. I went to wake him up and he jumped on me. He started punching into my face, stomach and kidneys (he is an ex boxer so knows where to punch). As my stomach was still soft from giving birth, I felt his fists drill right deep into me. He then started to strangle me. His eyes were dead and I knew he had left his body. This was no longer the brother that I raised and loved.
Of course, I fought back as hard as I could but he was on top of me and I couldn’t really bring myself to hurt him properly. I fought but not enough and he continued.
My sister managed to pull him off of me and he punched her in the stomach and pushed her to the ground then charged past me towards the door. I got up screaming and shouting and started punching his back. He turned around pushed me back to the ground and again, started punching me in the face and stomach. His punches were hard and fast – bang bang bang …alternating between the face and stomach.
My sister got him off of me again and he ran out the door.
Not one word was spoken by him, not one expression on his face, not a drop of life in those dead eyes. He wasn’t in his body and he would have killed me had my sister not been there.
I knew that that night was a danger night – when I arrived at the house, my brother had already transformed. He was a living and breathing replication of our dad.
I had told my partner that I didn’t want to go, my intuition was saying ‘danger’ – but, we both agreed that a night off from a challenging baby (who hated sleeping any longer than 15min) would do me good.
But, when I arrived and saw our dad living and breathing inside my brother I put up my walls and tried to keep my distance. He did what dad used to do and impose himself into my space. Cuddling me and trying to get my entire attention, listening to hugely over inflated ego dross and telling people to ‘suck his cock’ if they dared not sit in silence and listen. He told me and sister to do that and our brother in law said ‘ I hope you meant to say that to me cos thats your sisters!’
But, I knew my brother was ebbing away and being replaced with a monster. It wasn’t a matter of if but when, he would turn on me as I knew that predatory glare.
And so it happened.
I sat there crying once he left. Not for me or any pain I was in – I didnt feel any pain as I was fairly used to being used as a punching bag over the years and my pain threshold is inhuman because of it – but crying for witnessing my brother disappearing.
I had fought so hard to keep him good and true. To retain his beauty. Even when I had given birth I would text him with pep talks and remind him about how he was a one in a million, that he was a good kind person and to never let anyone tell him any different. I knew I was losing him and right before my eyes – right at the same time that I had reached my cross roads and awoken…He was going one way and I was going the other.
All I could do before that night was invite him for long walks with my son, text him to let him know that I believed in him and that he was a good person and try to talk to him normally even though I was looking at a soul ebbing away. But, he denied or dismissed these things and that was as much as I could do.
That night, my sister called the police saying that she is tired of everything being swept under the carpet and it was about time people took responsibility.
I told her that I would support her and thats what we did – we charged our brother with assault. It broke my heart.
My partner had to take a few days off, unpaid (which, considering he earns very little hit us hard) to look after our son as I couldn’t lift him or walk properly.
The injuries didn’t matter to me. It was knowing that he had chosen the wrong path and we would never be able to have a relationship ever again. He would never be able to go near his nephew.
He fled , never to be physically seen or heard from for the next 6 months.
He did text me a few days later to apologise. To let me know that he would never dream of hurting me ever, that we had always protected one another and he has no idea what happened – that it wasn’t him.
I believed him but told him that he was at his cross roads and he really needed to look around, wake up and get himself back on the right path or his soul would rot and there would be no return for him.
I sent him a few emails, while he hid from the reality. The first stating that it wasn’t his fault, that my sister and I love him and that our parents don’t know the meaning of being parents nor do they even feel that this was such a big deal. In fact, hints flew about that I had created this and my brother would never have done anything like to this us unless he was provoked.
There is so much wrong to that kind of thinking, but am sure you readers have the intelligence to work it out for yourself.
Another email I sent describe the ‘mob family’ and the ‘healthy family’ models. The last was requesting that he researched about Malignant Narcissism, emotional incest (in other words, parentifying) and post traumatic (complex).
The last email he replied with “cool, will take a look cheers.”
It became apparent that his initial shame was being swept away because he saw no repercussions, our parents still went out with him (rewarding him with drinks and job opportunities)….he was getting further and further away as I was made the scapegoat.
6 months later, he emailed me saying he wanted to talk. I don’t know, after all of that time, but I agreed.
On the day of meeting he called frantically and said the police had been in touch and he had to either go to the city and hand himself in or a warrant would be sent out.
He begged me and sister to re tract our statements. My father laughed at how ridiculous and over dramatic my sister and I were being, and stupid for pressing charges and potentially ruining our brothers career life.
My sister and I were under pressure to retract but we both refused to let this be swept under the carpet. He almost strangled me to death, interfered with me caring for my new born and financially made us struggle. My sister was distraught and so was I.
We both agreed that if he took responsibility by himself then we would write to the courts.
I met him that day and he said that he was wholly ashamed by what happened. He said he felt like he had been possessed and could not remember a single thing about it. That he knew all we had was each other and had spent our lives looking out for each other. He said it didnt feel real and that he had tried to avoid it because he couldn’t believe it actually happened.
I believed him.
I brought that boy up, I protected him, I cared for him, I guided him and any time he needed help I was always there for him. I was effectively his mother.
After something horrible happened to me during my teenage years (of which my parents ostracised me for lying), it was my brothers turn to look after me, protect me, guide me and follow me through the chaos. He became my parent.
When he battered me and his eyes were dead, I know that it was a re living of trauma he had witnessed as a child against me by my father, mother and uncle. He took on my dads personality prior to it and then ended just as my dad had done when I was a kid.
He re lived his trauma.
We hugged and I told him that I never gave up hope for him. That if we work really hard we can stop this cycle with our parents and their brother and sisters (and their children). That we can overcome.
He left and I knew that all I could do was just observe.
He has been in touch and he has got a new farm house, living in the country (I told him last year that his personality needed to be near nature as he was a gentle soul). He has also been offered a high earning position, he is saving for a mortgage and most importantly – he sounded genuinely happy and at peace.
And that is all I wanted for him. And that is what I heard. And that is why I know he fought against the demons, the conditioning, the Narcissism abuse and found his truth path.
There was alot of pain and anguish, but if that night was what it took for my brother to fight for and keep his soul then I would happily do it all over again.
I wish him well.
You did it, against all odds.
I love you brother.
Update: 3 hours after posting.
About an hour after publishing we left to meet my partner. The phone rang and it was my brother.
“Wow, thats funny I was just thinking about you.”
He told me about his job and his new home and I told him I was immensely happy for him. That everything was coming together for him and I was really pleased.
Silence…’Well, yeh the only thing thats left is this court date for what happened.’ My heart dropped a little as I knew where this was going.
Yeh well brother, once thats dealt with then you will be able to move forward in a healthy way and it will be the end of one chapter and a new move into the next.
I knew that this wasn’t what he wanted but it was worth a shot – a subtle appeal to him to act with integrity. To do what was right.
He told me that the solicitor said that he should plead not guilty and get his sister and I to write another letter to the procurator fiscal saying that we were drunk and in actual fact, we can’t remember any of it. If we didn’t do this then it was more than likely he would get prison time because of his previous assaults on his record.
My heart dropped even more.
‘So you want me to say that I lied? Because I remember every single part of that night, even to this day.’
He told me that his solicitor was pleading not guilty this Friday and if we could get letters in saying that we were drunk and in actual fact, had no idea what really happened, then there was a good chance he would get off.
…and you move on with your new house, new family, new high paid job while your sisters are branded as liars.
I’ve spent my life defending myself…Ive always been called a liar to hide their secrets. And now, my brother wanted me to publicly state this to save his skin from something he did and make us look like fools.
And all this happened while I tried to show my readers a positive story of someone overcoming this soul disease.
But it hasn’t happened. If he does go to court and plead not guilty, it will mean that my sister and I will have to go to court and speak against him – publicly.
He will publicly argue against our version of events and, along with his solicitor, try and persuade the courts that we are liars and drunks. How far will it go? Will it be like the TV and a total annihilation of my character or is that too dramatic? Will it be stating our side and then leaving it to a judge to decide who speaks the truth?
I asked my brother on the phone if pleading not guilty the wisest thing to do? That I wouldn’t be comfortable lying to the court and that we had already written letters on his behalf, asking the court to drop the charges because he had shown real shame, took responsibility and it was the catalyst for him starting a new chapter and not following down our parents path. That this was the only reason why we had reconciled; because he was showing real and true remorse through accountability and follow through.
He said he never gave those letters to the court and he would have to read them again to remember what they said.
I was gobsmacked and disappointed.
I told him that I couldn’t speak for sister but I wasn’t comfortable with saying we were being stupid drunks and lied.
He said that he agreed and thought he would just let me know what the solicitor said but was pleading not guilty.
So, now we wait for Friday.
I don’t know whats going to happen, but so far I feel conned.
Depending on what happens, depending on if my brother acts through integrity and conscious or on sacrificing us for his success – then I may or may not be publicly pitted against my brother.
This post has turned from a positive glimmer of hope, to my embarrassment, a post showing that I can still be fooled.
I hope for his sake, he does the right thing.
When the middle and lower classes are falling into sickness, disease, dysfunction and breaking down…while the upper classes and authorities are building castles, rising in glory and indulging to excess while pointing the finger to the sick for being so disgusting and charge them accordingly, by way of punishment.
Having been trained and conditioned to be one way, within a supremely threatening environment – kill or be killed, defend, fight, switch off and rely on their conditioning/training in order to survive, survival of the fittest and/or luckiest.
No, I have never been in the military but I have lived my life within a supremely threatening environment.
PTSD is when a person has been switched off, trained and has to do anything in order to survive, watch anything and still survive. Then, when that person finds themselves in a new environment, a safe environment (in comparison to before) the mind, body and soul no longer needs to protect you from the trauma and feels that you are in a safe enough environment to release and deal with it.
Every sensation, sight, smell, pain, grief, real memory, false memory releases itself onto you and comes seeping through the walls at you….suffocating you until you don’t know reality from hallucination
Pupils widen and eyes blacken, bones stiffen, muscles retract as muscles do because they have memories too…fight or flight overcomes you and adrenalin blasts into your system while faces around you turn malevolent.
With luck, you will come back to reality with no harm done to yourself or to others. Some, are not so lucky.
Should you come out of it, should the world return to you and you look around and think “All that person did was laugh at a joke that was made” or “All I did was hear a car beep its horn” or anything else mundane ….but, that was all it took before you were catapulted back into hell. That is all it took.
And then you are left to deal with the fall out, deal with the fear from others who witnessed it, deal with any self harm or harm to others personhood/property and try and build yourself back up; always with the fear of it coming back without warning.
Now, this seems like a cruel thing for your own body to do to you…a cruel, debilitating thing to do to someone that had been through a traumatic period, such as war, and wants to get on with life in the safest environment he/she can find.
However, should you have been fully exposed to the horror in its entirety at that time, your chance of survival to a safer environment would be reduced to nil.
You would have died of shock, literally.
By shutting down parts of your sensory depth, storing and hiding deep within the true depth of the horror – your body protects you as much as it can so you have, at least a chance higher than nil to survive and find safety.
Once you have found a place that is safer than the horror, such as a soldier returning home, then your body is safe to release this toxin. And, release it it must.
For if it did not then it would fester and rot your insides to the core and all of that previous work of protecting you from death, for trying to give a small chance of survival, no matter how small, would have been for nothing. It would be a definite death but slower and more torturous.
It is the natural expulsion of venom and rot and unfortunately it has to come through you and be displayed before you, for the ultimate goal of recovery through acceptance to happen.
It has no other way, but while this is happening and each time it happens, it tries to keep your soul safe by removing your soul to a safer place – what I believe psychologists call de personalisation.
Its like having two of you, one watching from a third person stance and the other re living it.
You come back into yourself and the full horror is there but again, your body and mind did what it could to give you your survival chance while it exuding the rot and tried to protect your being while it happened.
We all live and make sense of the world before us through sensory understanding…to make sense of things, we try to figure them out. It is no different when you have been through trauma and have a safer environment to compare and contrast the trauma.
It is this two conflicting environmental experiences that produce our numbness…we are faced with two very different worlds to inhabit and until we figure out and make sense of the trauma, we go numb with being overwhelmed with the challenge it presents.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can be a killer. More than often it is by the victims own hand, rather than another’s. The dual living, dual realities, dual dissonance and third person viewing without the correct professional help is a hell that should only be fit for those who put us through the trauma.
However, to live in hell, one must travel through it to get out. Once out, the overwhelming exhaustion of the journey consumes you and those hellish tentacles grasp at your ankles, giving it one last huge push to drag you back in.
You have come this far and suffered the worst. The expulsion of the rot is a necessary part of healing and you are in a safe place to do just that, however terrifying it is. It is also necessary because it has no place in the new (or returned to, such as military personnel coming home) environment you are in now. But, you must get help from those who understand trauma. Remember, you are exhausted from living in hell then walking through hell and fighting – forever fighting to protect who you are – and a ‘guide’ of sorts will support your exhaustion and assist with re wiring to help with adapting into the new (or returned to) environment.
It is hard to trust others after the past trauma, and even harder when in such a vulnerable state. But, you had the courage and tenacity to fight and survive and now you must have the courage and tenacity to reach out.
I would suggest finding trauma victims and ask them who they found to be of help. Such as military groups, disaster groups etc. Look for those who have fully recovered and living healthy and happy lives, that would give you a good indication of the kind of genuine support they have had. Its a start.
Now, obviously PTSD isnt exclusive to military personnel, as first thought. It covers abuse victims, natural disaster victims, mechanical disasters such as train wrecks etc. It can happen to anyone who witnesses a horrible scene or been subjected to it.
Once overcome, one will eventually be able to make peace with it – have the memory sit within but be able to comfortably move within this world on your truth path.
The title of this post is called Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
This is when a person goes through trauma and moves in and out of ‘safe environments’ – like living in hell, moving into better place then being dragged back into hell – with all of the retention of horror, expulsion of horror included.
Over and over and over again, ad infinitum.
As above within the setting of PTSD but in a cyclical rhythm. Not once, not even twice, but repeatedly.
It doesn’t even have to be a repeat from the original horror but new horrors, of equal/greater trauma. However, these will always be because of the base horror. Because the original trauma was never overcome.
There is no end, no beginning. Horror and reality intertwine, truth and lies become truthlies, nothing feels safe, nothing seems right, every person becomes a threat as you no longer know if you have been dragged back into hell or if you are in a good place. Hell seeps more and more and corrupts insidiously.
Hell becomes your reality and you become hell.
The eyes peer back from the abyss, and hands wrap around you whispering “come back to what you know”.
You can’t stand on the edge, you have to move far far from the edge. Don’t invite hell, as it never denies an invite.
In order to get out of C-PTSD, you must remove yourself entirely from everything that was in hell.
Not isolate yourself, but a removal of self from hell and those living in hell.
You have tasted the other side, but not getting the chance to thrive and its wearing you down. It will wear you down and you will feel again.
Geographical removal, disappearing, getting a new identity, changing your name, checking in to a rehab clinic, changing your number and email etc. these are all options for moving as far away from the edge as you can possibly go.
Once this is done, the expulsion of the rot will begin and you will have to re live and make sense of the horror. For me, it took just over a year. For others it didn’t take as long and for others still, it took longer. It all depends and is subjective.
But, know this. It is a natural process and the final part of your long, hard and horrendous journey.
The tentacles will try and find you, you will even try and retreat back into their hands but resist. This is conditioning rearing its ugly head and fighting for its survival. But, its a parasite and you don’t want it living off of you.
The new world you find yourself in is something you don’t trust. This is natural because of the hell you had previously lived in. Everything is foreign and there is a potential threat in everything.
There are threats but unable to discern, it is safer to blanket everything as threat.
Take time to yourself, go through the process but have the courage to reach out and open yourself to the sights, feeling and sounds of the new world. Someone will extend a hand and guide you through the awakening.
It takes an incredible amount of trust and courage, but you have this in spades. Use the survival weapons you had before but turn them into living tools. Fight not against but for. Trust that there is love but know that learning what it is truly will take time.
Have patience, just as a student shows patience of the process from novice to master, and you will recover into acceptance and awareness.
There are dangers, I will never deny this but in the new world you live in they are spliced by good.
C-PTSD is recoverable but one must move away from the edge.
The crossroads will appear and when you step onto your truth path you will see the world for what it is. You will have the tools to traverse through danger with the knowledge that having lived and breathed hell and not only survived but now live within the world –
Nothing will ever affect you to that degree again.
But, you must reach that place of acceptance. Acceptance of yourself. The grieving stages help to grieve for the delusion you lived in, the child you were, the parents you wished you had, the world you lived in, the hope lost, the exhaustion – it is mourning with the final stage being acceptance.
Remember, we are wonderfully crafted sentient beings and this world does have beauty, does have depth, does have connection and feeling. You deserve to feel everything in this world but you must lower the bridge across the moat and walk out.
It will take time, it will require more pain but in order to have a clean start, one must put in the hours.
Life can be cruel, I wish that I could wave a magic wand over everyone who has been subjected to long term trauma and let them move on without the additional healing process pain. However, it is essential to go through this for no other reason than to gain a deep understanding of just how strong and courageous you were when going through it.
Re connect with yourself and then extend it to others – and enjoy the new chapter with new challenges and developments but with you in control and more sure of yourself than ever before.
It is a painful process but this is your chance for a re birth, a personal universal clearing and for the rest of your life you will see through fresh, wise eyes.
Good Luck and my thoughts to you all, especially in your darkest times. I believe in your strength and offer you mine whenever you need it.
I think my next post will centre around my brother. He has come back to me and I would like to share that experience.