Hello and thank you for continuing to follow my blog. even after my absence.
I stated that I was finished with this blog because I had finally vanquished the demons within, through writing and processing, and I was now on the path of physically spreading my learnings by way of practising what I preached.
Do not think that I have stopped spreading the truth. I continued it in other ways.
I will now continue writing.
Don’t ever feel that you are alone.
Anne
Dear readers and fellow enquirers,
I have reached the end of my own personal enquiry. I have spent many long years analysing both externally and internally with as much brutal honesty as I could. There may be some things that you may not have agreed with, differing tactics you may have used, decisions you may have chosen to take. However, you were lead here as part of your own personal enquiry. You too are examiners, truth searchers, warriors and have a deep love for life in all of its facets. You are all incredible and the courage you have will never be defeated.
Keep researching, keep analysing, don’t ever give up. You may feel that no one loves you, that you are alone, that no one understands. I can assure you that a warrior goes into the woods alone, faces his fears, stands firm and when the night turns to day, sees clearer than than he has ever thought possible. Those fears lose their hold on you, those who attack you fall away and everything around you becomes something that you created.
The endless possibilities that I have for my future have been laid before me and it doesn’t have to be incredible or amazing. I have nothing to prove to anyone, I am no longer wishing for an acceptance or approval, no longer secretly desiring a mum and dad.
I feel this cycle has ended for me. I know this because I no longer have a burning desire to write about this. I am finding myself consciously stopping myself from continuing my research (as it had become a habit to pick up my tablet to research). I am consciously desiring to be in the here and now. I am no longer grieving.
I have accepted myself, I have accepted I am loved and now I must start to fully give love. I feel that this blog and my research (as well as the huge battle I had internally and externally to find my truth and cast away the past) was an incredibly necessary part of my grieving period. It meant that I couldn’t fully give myself to others until I finished this part of my journey. I had to solidify within myself through my writing. I feel this stage to be complete and wish to focus on my children and partner. My Family.
I feel this blog has served its purpose and I would like to thank every single one of you for being such a valuable part and support while I traversed the loneliest and scariest part of my journey. I was attacked from all sides (for they won’t let you be who you are truly without putting up a hell of a fight, using everything they have) but this blog and you readers, as well as all of your very honest emails about your own battles have helped me see clearly. I hope I have been of service to you also – spread your knowledge to others and live love when you are ready to.
And that is precisely what my next stage will be – to live love and spread this to others.
I feel, no matter how humble it is, I have found my truth path finally. My soul feels balanced.
My partner has been an incredible rock during this time. He rolled with it, respected me and was patient enough to be without a partner for years while I focussed on this topic and my origin family.
I want to be with him fully now – emotionally, physically, spiritually.
As one reader said – always try and maintain higher ordered thinking and never give up. Whenever possible, give out kindness, love, integrity, decency and gentleness. Build on this and eventually your demons will be silenced.
Be your own best friend and only surround yourself with people who love humbly.
Thank you and I wish you all the very best
With love and respect,
Anne Delore
Having briefly read over a few of my posts, I realise that I have left many questions unanswered. One such question, was that of the correlation between Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Malignant Narcissism and its derivatives.
This was a question posed to me by a reader within my c-PTSD post. I will now explain how the two are related.
Before I continue, I must remind my readers that I do not necessarily follow the psychological structure – I may use the terminology, but this is only because people have more general understanding of these terms and what they mean – for use in the general sense only. This makes understanding easier should I use these terms rather than using or creating my own. I do agree that there exists these pathologies and illnesses but I believe these to co exist and be created by, MN’s – both externally and within the psychiatric field.
PTSD. Should we break this down it would mean; after trauma to the senses, mind and body the stress of processing, re aligning yourself and moving on thus creating an imbalance in your character . Within the sphere of the spirit (soul, truth path, natural life path for humans or whatever you feel most comfortable labelling depending on your belief system) it is severe trauma to your natural inward sense that all of humanity (from the soul perspective) should hold love, nurture and protection (in a reciprocal manner) at the forefront of any human progression (and therefore, soul progression) and the battle faced there on in with coping with the reality that the human path holds many things that will challenge this. It will question you on a daily basis, asking in its many special ways, just how much you value the soul belief of progression.
Both are permanent changes to the recipient’s actual being (perspective, value base, personality) but neither need to be the end of you and your truth path. It can be an incredible life changing process but this is not what someone needs to hear should they have PTSD as while you are in the storm, one very rarely thanks their lucky stars while their ‘home’ is being annihilated.
Trauma is, in effect, everything and anything that assaults your very core and its ripples touch every layer of your being – both physically and non physically.
Trauma can arise via direct or indirect means. A soldier fighting in battle, a passer by witnessing a brutal attack, a car crash, an abusive partner/parent, a random drunk lashing out at you as you stand in a queue, a fire killing dozens with the firemen left standing knowing that this time they could do nothing.
It is an assault and as such, you will be traumatised. As a result, you will be severely affected and it will manifest itself in a plethora of ways. All of which will follow the Grief Process, to a greater or lesser degree. You will be affected but how you are affected and how it manifests itself is entirely dependent on your own value system.
Should you hold animals in higher regard than man, then generally you will find yourself more traumatised if your pet dog fell over dead than hearing about your neighbour doing the same.
Of course, that is a highly generalised example.
Should you be a person who holds humanity in high esteem and values love above all else then be witness to a cruel and sadistic crime towards another, it would be fair to imagine the level of trauma this person will have to deal with.
Should you be a person who has cut off all emotions and sees nothing but utility, then it would be fair to imagine that such a person would already have a pre thought out judgement on the victim for when such atrocities occur in order to keep their own emotions locked up.
PTSD is generally treated via Psychiatry. It is more widely known as the by product of war. PTSD is a result of a one time trauma and that trauma incident – regardless of how horrifying, how cataclysmic, who was involved, how many were involved, why it happened, where it happened, how old the person was when it happened, what your value system was at the time – will undoubtedly affect you for the rest of your life but it will also undoubtedly never happen again.
The person who has had trauma now has PTSD and it is then time for recovery and healing and re alignment. This stage will be intensive and scary, it will forever change your being but PTSD is so called because it is ‘Post’. It is a terrifying illness but as I stated in my earlier PTSD post, it is entirely necessary in order to expel that which you sponged up. You can recover through re adjustment while maintaining natural state of truth path.
c-PTSD. There is no foreseeable end, there are only small breaks and there is no full term post recovery period unless something miraculous happens and everything and anything connected to the attacker/s die out. It usually starts at childhood, it conditions and tries to create mirrored images of themselves (or destroys the victim if it cannot). The only time that person will enter into the ‘post’ recovery phase (which is horrific but necessary) will be when they get glimpses of reality removed from their attackers. It will be too short to fully start a recovery so the recovery mode changes from the PTSD standard one and it will be broken down into small pockets over a very long period of time.
It is usually recommended, on becoming aware, to cut off all contact with person/s change your name/address/phone number and enter into trauma therapy for a lengthy period.
People who have been traumatised since birth will be constantly battling with their inner truth (natural order) and the reality their attacker is conditioning onto them. It is a sustained and cognitive shifting attack that continues even when the attacker is not present; their all encompassing approach to brutality against another person is akin to vultures circling a man lost in the desert.
It is named complex because of the very complexities associated with genetics, conditioning, allies and cognitive dissonance associated with it, as well as its continued presence in the victims life even when the direct perpetrators have been long since buried. In direct perpetrators can and do continue the attack (With/without knowing it) by continuing to buy in to the attackers belief system regarding the victim. These people may love you but unfortunately it is very unlikely that they will change their belief system regarding your attackers/yourself because of the level of investment they undertook right from the start. It is far easier for a person to stand by their actions/lack of action over 40 years rather than stand up and admit they were blind.
Malignant Narcissism and its derivatives have managed to create a society whereby every single one of us are living in trauma (character disordered) to one extent or another. Our leaders/figureheads and Higher Authority constructs function under Malignant Narcissism operating systems. As I have stated previously, this has trickled down the hierarchy into the family structure and inter relationships. A disconnection – a corruption of loving interactions into interactions of fear, paranoia, scapegoating and self serving.
Both of these (PTSD and cPTSD) occur because they are symptomatic of going against the natural order of things; at a soul level. From a purely physical, human stance (should one not believe in the soul) both of these occur when our life and potentiality has been threatened and/or when we witness this happening to another (via our empathic sense). It can also happen when we witness it, thus reminding us that our life safety always hangs in the balance and it is by trusting others not to do harm that we are able to walk on this earth.
Trust is something we must all have from the moment we are born, until the day we die for our survival and success in life. We must trust our parents to care for us, must trust our leaders to do the same, must trust strangers on the street not to suddenly push us in front of a car, must trust our medicine men to improve our well being, trust our relationships to do whats best for us and on and on.
What makes us human, what makes us live a non trauma-ed life is when trust is maintained and reciprocal love, caring and humanity is imparted towards others and received. Of course, as we grow older we learn hard lessons which help us to understand that this is not always the case and over time we learn that there are some people (for whatever reason but generally because they could not cope with their own trauma environment) and/or human made structures/heirarchy (that have been, perhaps not necessarily created by MN’s, but most probably are run by MN’s at this present moment in time) that can not be trusted to hold us in a humanitarian regard.
There are certain areas that do require and indeed, have our implicit/non thinking trust for our survival – parental constructs, governmental constructs, religious constructs and medical constructs (teaching constructs used to hold as much power but it has slowly been eroded as Narcissism takes a hold – remember, change at a child level is the ultimate goal for MN’s). Should these constructs be our attackers then one’s entire world view will be under the microscope. We ultimately expect our inter relationship and leading constructs to be on par with how we interact in the world. If this does not happen, then we can fight it or we can immerse within it and become that which we hated.
Internalising the trauma and becoming that which one knows to be wholly sub human is the path one takes when one becomes a Narcissist (as discussed previously when discussing the 3 forms of Narcissism).
The relation between cPTSD and Narcissism is fundamentally driven by the consumer argument that I had stated at the very beginning of this blog. MN’s and their derivative’s are the ultimate consumers.
PTSD and cPTSD are symptoms of Narcissistic attack because MN/Narcissism are wholly and purely concerned with what they can take (not give) to others. Humans are ultimately concerned with reciprocal progression – trust is a foundation.
I have also noticed – by watching other family structures – that the person who the Narcissistic family has classed as mentally ill (for some reason it is Bipolar illness that they are diagnosed with) is the one who has been the scapegoat within that MN/Narcissistic family. That ‘ill’ person then becomes actually ill through low self esteem and a belief that what they have is the reason for their family to justify the treatment.
I have also noticed real physical illnesses as well as ‘mystery’ undiagnosed illnesses (pertaining to the physical body) being reported by people who are in constant contact with a MN/Narcissist. Manifestations such as Fibromyalgia are real but a look at their environment, rather than their body/mind, should be the focus of health professionals when searching for cause (and potential cure).
I hope that I have sufficiently covered the co relation. Should you have any questions or need further clarity then please let me know.
Finally, I would like to thank you for the patience shown during my absence. I decided to focus on myself and my babies and enjoyed every minute of it. However, my learning never stopped and my own self progression continues.
I wish you all well and if I have not replied to any comments within my blog then please accept my apologies and let me know so that I can reply to you. I like to make sure that I respond to each and every single comment as they are all of value to me.
I am currently a few days away from giving birth and have decided to take a break from writing here for a while.
This pregnancy hasn’t been an easy one, having been made physically disabled for quite a number of months. This has made my main coping mechanism when feeling overwhelmed, unobtainable (that of walking for miles through nature) and therefore further tested my tenacity and inner strength to get through daily challenges.
I hope to return as soon as I feel 100%
In the meantime, I wish you all well and remember that each and every single one of you have all the knowledge and power you need within – try and focus on placing more belief in it. I know that you can overcome.
Good Luck and Take Care,
Anne
Reblogged for my readers perusal
Malignantly narcissistic leaders damage the mental health of their employees, undermine the effectiveness of their organisations, and, collectively, threaten the well-being of society. At a moment in history when sane leadership is needed to overcome the daunting challenges we face, it is a measure of the gullibility of the rest of us that we continue to believe that we need mentally disordered individuals to run our most important organisations.
View original post 1,299 more words
I have stated previously that it is impossible to eradicate all traces of Malignancy and Narcissism within your environment; past, present and in the future. Unless you retreat into a permanent state of isolation then you will always be faced with people and places that possess the ability to create and cause you harm and push you off your truth path.
I have even mentioned briefly within the comments section, in response to a reader’s query, that it is more than acceptable to remove yourself into a temporary state of hermitic confinement should you feel that you need it in order to re assess the information, solidify awareness and reform accordingly. So long as it is temporary and progressive (analyse, assess, solidify and act upon positively) then by all means, take a time out.
Any longer though, and the abuse that you are hiding from will come to find you – from within you and turn you into that which you most fear with no one to hear your pleas for peace and comfort.
There are many out there who have either travelled or understand your travels, but they will be unable to reach out and offer you reciprocality and connection (with connection, there comes strength..with reciprocality, there comes allegiances) and indeed, won’t even know that you are there if you keep yourself hidden away.
When I came out of hiding, after a few years of isolation living in the middle of nowhere, it would take me a few more years to be at the point where I was when I wrote my List of Intentions.
I felt inclined to write them and without much thought, did I give, just how automatically aware of what my inner self needed and had always needed.
My Intentions List isn’t a Bucket List (that had good intentions on its creation but has now been hijacked by the Narcissists among us who think their life is too entitled to live like the humdrum) but a list that I know from within that I must constantly work on in order to remain on my truth path. It is a list that intends to increase self from the point of connection to others and increase connection to self from the point of the type of others I feel will sustain me and help me to give me my all.
I have kept it on my fridge door and look briefly at it, often. When I falter, it is there to remind me to get back on track. When I revert back to types of old, it is there to remind me to temper my Narcissistic Defensive Qualities and listen to my inner self.
This list may never reach complete fruition but life is a working progress through the stance of humility and knowing your Universal Place (not the place that has been imposed on you by Malignancy).
It is a list that will never help me avoid tragedy completely – tragedy can and will befall us all throughout our entire lives and no one is safe from that. But, it will help build me into a person who will recover and regenerate without the trauma prior.
We are all special, all have a place within this world and all have our own paths to walk but do not for one second think that the Universal Path will favour those who do not help themselves to understand their own paths. We will have many guides in this life but none will force you down any paths if you refuse to put your walking shoes and use your legs.
Knowing what tools you need in order to become fulfilled is up to you. Be the master of your own ship and you will travel your own oceans and come across many adventures that may fill you or drain you but you will always have the wisdom to take lessons and draw out your maps accordingly.
My Intentions:
1. Be the best mum
2. Be the best partner
3. Move to a house with stairs and a garden
4. Train to be a primary teacher
5. Get a friend for our dog
6. Finish and publish childrens book
7. Have enough money – always
8. Lose weight and get healthy
9. Have healthy attitude to alcohol – for enjoyment not through boredom
10. Communicate better
11. Laugh more
12. Think about past less
13. Not be so hard on self
14. Have at least one more baby
15. Trust in others more
The List is exactly how I have it written and it is simplified because I know exactly what I mean by it.
Being the best mum and partner is of course, entirely subjectively and can be construed as my need for perfectionism (a self-control tool used by the abused in order to avoid abuse – past defensive tool). However, all it means is that I work on the parts that were damaged by my past and always be aware of behaviour that is regressive, rather than progressive to our family life. It is a continual battle to not let my past affect my family.
With trust in my partner to point out slip ups (such as my temper or silent treatments etc.) and the space from him to work through these, talk about it, apologise (on both sides) then make a concerted effort to not let it happen again (my temper is becoming less and less these days) or at the very least communicate to him how much I am struggling to find another way to express my anger/upset/frustration. I have found new tools to express and over time these are becoming more my way than the way I had prior, which usually involved objects being thrown across the room or me screaming at him then stomping about the house slamming doors and swearing like a fury from hell.
My temper will always be there because I am a fighter now. But, it is up to me to channel that into positive fighting and smarter battle plans than just blowing my top in order to silence others.
So, this is part of what I mean when I said ‘be the best partner’ – to show respect to myself and to my partner, I must constantly work on parts of myself that is regressive to our future commitment towards one another’s mutuality.
To be the best mum – again, not perfectionism but in direct response to my perfectionism and my wish to temper it. I live in perpetual fear for my child’s safety within this dark world and if I could carry him in my bosom for his entire life then my fear would. Simultaneously, I need to be aware of the neglect I had from my parents and its devastating effect it had on me – and the punishment I received from my parents when they were forced to view their neglect on me.
It’s a balancing act – to not cast a child out to watch them burn ‘for their own good’ while not smothering them through fear of past repeats or potential new happenings.
And it all comes down to me to learn this balance. To be aware of the dangers from an acceptable distance, to trust your child to let you know when they are ready and to trust yourself to love healthily.
To be the best mum means to me – communication, learning and progressing through love. I apologise to my son when I do something that doesn’t help me to be the best mother to him. He may be just a toddler but he deserves that humility. I hold him and say sorry – I’m his mother, not infallible to making mistakes. The way he hugs me shows me that he deserves a person who leads by example.
Apologies are something I have had to learn. They came thick and fast when I was growing up but it was more a forced grovelling through hours, days, weeks, months of silence and/or physical torment by my parents to beat me into submission. I did it because I had to in order to survive. I normally wasn’t in the wrong but I still had to bow down to them in order to be welcomed back into their fold.
Because of that, I never apologised to anyone else unless they were deemed to be in a position of authority over me then you would never stop hearing the word ‘sorry’ scatter throughout each and every sentence that came out of my mouth. Peers or those perceived to be ‘below’ me were never given such a thing.
Until I met my partner. I was then taught the true meaning of saying sorry. You say sorry if you understand what you have done wrong, regret it, know your responsibility about it and love that person’s sense of autonomy with such ferocity that you want to let them know that you will work on upholding it in the future (protecting it) rather than smashing it down with your sense of importance over it.
With my son, at the stage of life he is at, my apologies are only so far as saying sorry if I make him cry by accidentally knocking him down with my pregnant belly or when he gets frustrated with me when I fail to understand his baby talk. I know when he grows older, I will make heavy mistakes that will break his little heart (for we are all human) but my humility and love for him will make it easy for me to fall down to his height and look deep into his eyes and say sorry, please forgive me.
That to me, is being the best I can be.
There are never ultimate answers but we are all important puzzle pieces that form a whole picture – a working to find that whole picture takes mistakes, fails, try, try, fail, succeed – and genuine apologies even to the little babies.
The house with stairs and a garden and always having enough money are material wishes. I wish to have a house with a garden for my family to play in without having to be at the mercy of loud neighbours upstairs and sharing a garden with those you wouldn’t have in your life generally speaking.
Enough money doesn’t mean to be rich but to have enough every month to always pay bills and still be in credit – years of struggling financially is something I have had to endure but I do not wish to make my children endure. But, I always make sure that my family never know just how poor we are and our meals are always home cooked and fresh.
The rest, well, they are fairly straightforward.
I decided to reveal this section of my life in order to show you that I am your equal. I have my downfalls as well as qualities that are admirable – just the same as each and every single one of you. There is nothing within me that makes me any more knowledgeable than you. I could be at a stage in my life of awareness that makes me slightly more progressed than yourself, or could be slightly more behind you. I will learn from you just as much as you may learn from me.
The main thing is to understand that I need daily focus to stay on my truth path and I need people around me just as much as people need me around them.
I will falter, I will face travesty, I will always face a battle against forces that pose a threat to my truth path and/or pose a threat to me regressing back.
I will constantly fight against those who harness Malignancy but I will also be faced with a battle within because of my past.
As I have stated earlier within my blog, we are not gods here nor should we try and emulate them. We are human beings and must embrace our failings/weaknesses/strengths and humility but always from a perspective of humanity.
I will work on my Intentions List and never be scared to reveal just how deep my humanity runs.
With your humanity there will be a re balance within this world of Malignancy.
I believe that it would be prudent of me to explain the 8 Stages of Grief.
Having gone through the pain, enlightenment and confusion of realisation of my past reality it occurred to me that Grief isn’t just connected to a physical death, but can be seen within victims of trauma who are trying to overcome and move on.
I will list the stages here and then describe what this meant to me.
Now, you will know – should you be a continual presence within this blog – that I feel quite prickly about Psychiatry and its derivatives. Especially the way in which more value is placed on the Malignant (more of a career challenge?) and finding a ‘cure’ for seeing Malignancy whereas victims (and you will see them everywhere) are fed pills and become a bore if they show no indication to ‘help themselves’ (by throwing themselves back into society without so much as a hint of past trauma)
Psychiatry is and has always been, to my mind, a form of eugenics and its creator was the Malignant.
Now, within Psychiatry and its derivatives (psychology, social work, counselling etc.) there will surely be genuine helpers. I have stated this before but will repeat that these people are fighting a battle against what is deemed popular, or in other words, what is fashionable to do. And what is presiding is Malignancy.
I have met my share of Malignant professionals but I have also been fortunate, when all seemed lost, to have genuine professionals enter my life and nudge me in the right direction. This has been luck and I am grateful for having these small interventions but it could have so easily went the other direction, and has been so for way too many people that I feel comfortable thinking about.
It would be irresponsible of me to suggest that medication and support is always Malignant to your present state. I am in no way suggesting that this is the case. I do believe, however, that a 100% trust in the medical and psychological field needs to be analysed by yourself whenever you embark on that form of intervention and support.
I also understand that during (and/or after) trauma there will be many times when you are not in the right frame of mind to fully analyse the help offered. I too, have been in this situation and all I could do was just allow it to happen.
Unfortunately, unless you have people around you that you trust implicitly to know exactly how you would feel towards each thing offered and by whom, then it is a case of hoping that it does work out. Furthermore, should you be isolated then it is even more of a treacherous path to recovery as you place your entire self in the care of those who may turn out Malignant.
Again, I was fortunate in that I had small interventions from decent helpers to nudge me back on course and also I had the unquenchable drive to survive and defeat this unknown monster that invaded my being.
I didn’t know my enemy but I knew that I would fight blind folded until my dying breath.
Now, the grief process.
1. Shock and Denial
2. Anger and Bargaining
3. Pain and Guilt
4. Depression and Lonliness
5. Elation
6. Analysing of environment
7. Hope
8. Acceptance and Rebuild
These stages don’t happen as they are written, nor do they happen over a set period of time. These stages are also not just for the external happenings but for the internal self. It is all to do with the where you place yourself within the new reality that you find yourself in and how you align yourself within the new world that you find yourself in.
Come from the place of ‘I’ , something which those who have been subjected from MN/Narcissism will find incredibly hard to do (unless you decide to follow it in the false sense, the Narcissistic sense), and you are effectively mourning a self who will die out. A self that dies is a self that you are without. No longer do you have a reality, nor do you have a projection that you believe in, nor do you have the projectors who created you.
This is a huge mourning. This is something that will take a long time for you to recover from.
I spent my entire grieving period angry. I also spent my entire grieving period sad, happy, elated, overjoyed, depressed, numb, doubtful, denied, needy, without need and empty.
I felt everything and nothing, all at the same time. I felt like I would spend my entire life feeling like this and at some points, I yearned for my past to come back into my environment and lambasted myself for shattering it. Secretly, I begged external forces to take me back so that I didn’t feel like this anymore.
Parts of me screamed “a’ha!” but other parts screamed “no, you can’t keep doing this”.
We are natural creatures in avoidance of pain but will happily go back to a pain if the one we are facing seems so much more. A lifetime of having your hand in a fire against a walk through of a burning world and it would be easy to see why some would willingly offer their hand once more.
But, as I stated within the c-PTSD post, having your entire world turn into hell is a necessary part of expulsion and renewal. It must come out of you and be presented before you in order for you to fully overcome the grief period. You must temporarily be thrown into a fire, but know that while this fire still burns it is clearing the world for you to plant new seeds.
The final stage doesn’t mean that you accept what has happened and everyone lives happily ever after. It doesn’t mean that you open your arms to your abusers (and abusive environments) and inform everyone that your accepting in how they are and you are healed.
It means, for me, that I have accepted myself and my position towards my past and also accept the level of monstrosity that these abusers have. I have accepted the brutal truth that they have no power over me and I have no power over them.
I have no power to change them, no power to love them regardless, no power to try and find them help. I am but a person, not a god, and I accept that in my full humanity I can and will do what I need to do to protect myself.
I will never forgive them nor will I ever ask for their apologies. I will embrace all of my sense of injustice but accept that this may never served within my lifetime.
I accept.
Which means, stay out of my environment and I will stay out of yours. I will move on with my life, work with the tools that I have and learn who I am in this new environment but from here on in. Leaving them (past, present and future MN’s) to move in their life but with the understanding that if any of them consciously try to interfere with my world, you will need to accept that I will defend my territory like no other force they have ever known before.
The acceptance is self orientated more than anything. Embrace and be aware of every facet of yourself – light and dark. Work on yourself with humility but do not cripple yourself with inverted fear.
If someone threatens to destroy your new world, you fight.
I am infuriated with pop hippy waves that seem to flow through this world that try and brainwash you into even more of a malignantly imposed feeling of submissiveness and inferiority should you dare to feel anger, should you dare to not try and evolve into a god and cast your betrayal to one side and ‘love’ everyone to the extent that acceptance means ‘I welcome you and all that you do/did’.
Acceptance means waking up and knowing your limitations – knowing how much you can give to others before you start to feel ill.
You are not a god, you are not a superior life form (within this human body) and you are not a servant to others in some sort of psuedo-martyr ideal.
You have a right to be here, have a right to be happy and sad and mad and confused. Embrace it and learn from it, take from it what you need for future interactions.
If something angers you, say it. If something makes you unhappy, say it. If something makes you happy, enjoy it. Nothing is a permanent state, but many things can be cyclical – only you and your acceptance of who you are (in all facets) can progress through each state and still remain solid within.
For me, the end of my grieving process was signalled to me when I could look at people with new eyes and know how much of myself I could give each person without this feeling that I had to give everything to everyone. I understood that some I couldn’t give anything, some I could give a little to, and some I could give more.
With my parents, I can give basic pleasantries to. I can speak about the weather, the dog. I can give basic responses to their questions (superficial and never detailed) and I will only speak when spoken to directly. I avoid them as much as possible, reply to texts a few days later (should they ever text) and avoid one on one company with them. Whenever I can avoid them, I do. Should I have to be in their company, I keep my distance (emotionally) and stay conscious of their games (and never enter them). I allow them zero rope when they try and intimidate me and don’t care who witnesses it or what anyone thinks.
What matters to me is my new world and they are the unfortunate weeds that crop no matter how much industrial weed killer I blast them with.
I no longer feel crippled by doing this and no longer feel upset by it. I do not long for an imagined parental relationship and don’t wish for one in the future.
I apply this, to varying degrees, to each and every single person I encounter. Of course, the extreme of it is only applied if someone tries to purposely ignore my warnings (like avoidance, walking away, changing subjects etc.) and tries to enter my space to cause me harm. It has worked (my colleague from an earlier post left about a week after I posted).
The main turning point was my acceptance that I am worthy and it is my duty to respect my being in its entirety and follow/defend my truth.
You will never change anything within this malignant world if you refuse to accept yourself.
You will never accept yourself if you fail to understand that a malignant world capitalises on your lack of self compassion.
The first of these posts was by way of an introductory phase, focusing on the person who has awoken to the savagery of Malignant Narcissism but does not know how to protect themselves from it.
The main thing I tried to highlight was one of minimisation of future, unnecessary contact. While it may be hard for a person to look at their present environment, and clear it out into a healthier space it is probably easier for that person to assess ‘newcomers’ into their environment and make a concerted effort to keep them out.
This is because there is no invested interest nor tangled history, connection or feelings involved – they are potential relationships but still at a very superficial stage (for the person who has awoken) and it won’t hurt you as deeply should you keep them out of your life and there will be less of a ‘drama’ should you just state that ‘they aren’t your type of person’.
As soon as you feel that physical sensations that you are uncomfortable then back away. There is no need to delve in deeper because this person is yet to get a good hold onto you and your very being. Generally, people still accept this ‘clash of personality’ excuse and give it no further thought so there is no need to feel obliged to say any more or give it a try for them.
The other point that I made was that people who align themselves with a MN and its derivatives may not have anything against you – in fact, they may love you – but they are either blind due to their own societal priming, have their own secrets to keep safe (of which, MN is undoubtedly privy to or hint at being privy to), or feel they get something valuable from that relationship – like superficial flattery. The point is, while being upset is entirely justified, try to use that sense of betrayal into finding people who value you and support you while they travel their own truth path.
The final point I should re-emphasize is that, on meeting new people, always make sure that both parties are coming from a stance of equality. Should you be at a stage where this can be implemented within present, historical relationships, then do analyse every relationship for equality. Now, this does not mean that one shouldn’t respect another person for their place within the hierarchy with regards to age, status, position acquired through hard work, knowledge, beauty, intelligence, youth etc. By all means, respect another’s qualities and/or drive to better themselves – just the same as one would wish for should you be the person who has an exceptional quality to share and excel in.
However, this does not mean that one must bow down and submit to the person, regardless of how they use that exceptional quality and/or talent. Regardless of how they treat and view others.
To be exceptional within a field or have an exceptional quality means that one is even more responsible for extending it to others, sharing with others and committing themselves to others from a place of equality.
In other words, understand that your worth does not lessen dependent on the company that enters into your life and does not raise only when others lessen.
How you feel during an interaction is an indicator of the type of relationship it will become/has been.
I know many people who have been involved within a MN sexual relationship (but can be applied to any relationship) when they state that it was euphoric on meeting, that they made them feel like a prince/ess, that they were made to feel like they were perfect in every way etc. Then suddenly, it comes crashing down and the insults start as well as being made to feel like the exact opposite of the person whom the MN had said they admired.
Whether you are held up or kept down during an initial meeting is the same. They both serve the agenda of the person doing this to you and both will harm you.
To meet someone who respects and compliments you and your talent, but treats you as an equal regardless is the type of relationship that will enhance and sustain you and one that you should reciprocate.
We have all come to this earth at different stages, with different qualities and varying aptitudes for certain things. We will all move into areas that serve a purpose. Do each one well and to the best of your ability, share your learning with others and take learning from others but shy away from sycophancy and flattery.
You are all of equal value and all of equal importance to the tapestry of humanity.
This becomes especially hard to understand should you have come from a MN family. Being a child who has grown up in this environment means that you must either submit to, or rule over, who ever is in front you. It can be only one or the other.
In order to turn this extremism around, look to how you feel when in company of another. Do you feel superior or inferior? Is there anyone in your life right now who feels at your eye level?
Taken in context; If you feel yourself weaken in another person’s company or over inflate, only to deflate when away from them, then these are unhealthy relationships. There should be a consistency in your being regardless of the company that you are in and if there is not, then position yourself into an environment where there is a consistency.
Of course, there are times when this is impossible – such as doing a job you hate (but must, due to your finances) or crossing paths with those you would rather avoid – but, so long as you fill the majority of your life with energy mutuality and consistency then these unfortunate crossings will affect you only temporarily.
For long term relationships then it is equality that will sustain a healthy future.
I will continue this topic as and when it needs to be.
Wishing you all the best
A reader asked how one might protect themselves once awareness has happened.
“I would like to learn more about how to block the narcissists out after they hurt you. I recently had to block one out but I did it from a position of anger after months of priming and eventual abuse which caused me to stand firm and close the door on her. The problem is that I told her too much about myself and she is a back stabber. I want to out her to her face but I’ve chosen to let her drift. Just as all if my friends/colleagues have who have been lied to by her and given the hard sell. They are just letting her drift and just not allowing her into their businesses. I am the only one who wants to out her with the biggest display of rage. I’m not sure either way is healthy. To out her from rage or to let her drift. Either way my feelings do not feel validated. Nor would she ever validate them. She’d deny the lies she told even if we were all in the same room with all the people she lied to cross referencing her.
Part of me thinks that my outing of her behind her back was enough. They all saw the truth once we’d discussed the lies about one another.
She is dangerous. I feel she is harmful and poisonous because she believes her own lies! That is the scariest narcissist of all. The one who has absolutely no awareness of the difference between facts and their own made up reality.”
This is an important and complex topic and will be broken down into parts. This is because there are stages to the development and it fully depends on what stage you are at.
For example, it would have been of no use to me ten years ago if someone had told me “Your boundaries are all over the place”. This would have been the equivalent of someone telling me that in order to stop the pain all I need to do is recite the Koran in its Mother Tongue – and understand what I am saying, first time.
Impossible and ridiculous.
I will start from the premise that this person has just begun in understanding about Malignant Narcissism within society.
I can fully appreciate what this reader has said; you have realised how much you have been walked over and not one single person will vouch for this injustice nor offer you support through loyalty and validation. The person who has done this is left to ‘drift’ and allowed to create chaos and drama wherever they please because ‘that’s just them’. And it becomes your sole responsibility to suppress your angry betrayal (felt towards the Narcissist and to those who you thought loved you) because if you don’t then they will come down hard on you and punish you (through isolation, alienation, judgement etc.). It seems like the Narcissist (or MN) has free reign but you do not – and it is your feelings that are entirely justified.
Should this be a non Malignant Narcissistic society, then it would be you who would be entirely justified and supported by the majority of peers. However, this kind of MN trait has been ingrained within our society so much that it is now the norm and you are the abnorm.
Which is why if you find yourself in company of those who can see clearly, really see and be able to discern (quietly) and stand firm (in a smart manner) then treat them like the valuable things that they are and hold on to them.
I digress.
Should you find yourself in the same position as this reader, then I would suggest that you never be ashamed of your anger and rage – this is a natural reaction when your boundaries have been trampled on. This is not something to hide away nor be embarrassed about. To feel pressurised into feeling ashamed and silenced is indicative of the Malignant Narcissistic breeding trickling through society and within interpersonal relationships.
It is our natural way to bare our teeth, so to speak, when a threat enters our territory or threatens our well being. Yes, animalistic but instinctual and it is natural instincts that keep us alive.
Should these natural instincts be eroded and replaced with priming then we have effectively become bait meat and because these types have no off buttons and are the ultimate consumers, then they will consume until we are extinct.
It is necessary to trust in your instincts and if by some weird fate you turn out to be completely wrong about someone (of which, I doubt rarely happens in life when you really think about it) then it is easier to make amends than to pick up shattered pieces of your life once one of these types has crossed you and annihilated your life.
So, yes, use that anger but use it wisely. Do not use it to seek out validation from either the unwoken (plug monkey’s) or the person who has caused you severe harm. You will never get it and you will cause yourself more pain. This is ego driven and it has been over inflated as a self protection measurement but directed towards the wrong area.
Use it to learn. Use the anger to learn and work into within your future. Understand what it was that made you angry and look at the path that took you to that point. See the indicators and over time, those indicators will become less and soon you will be able to judge at which point a situation will take you down the angry self defence road and at which point you can prevent it.
Prevention is better than trying to cure the illness.
Let this person drift, because like it or not, they have their own path to travel and Malignant Narcissists have been born this way and are doing what is natural to them and their existence – this will never change. What has happened is society is founded upon this without any balance for the opposite – you.
Narcissists made a conscious choice to follow in the foot steps of MN’s and character disorders are one step away from becoming Narcissists.
You can’t, once they have chosen this as an integral part of their make up (and never, should they be born this way) to change them.
The only thing you can do is decide how you will continue.
Let them drift but that doesn’t mean that they are then allowed to enter your space and do you harm whenever they please just because you (and others) let them drift.
You leave them in peace but everytime they enter into your space and every time you feel that physical sensation of feeling threatened, you make sure that you verbalise that they need to back off. You do not need to justify yourself to anyone, indeed, it part of your priming that forces you to justify and effectively beg others to understand where you are coming from – and this is part of what they see as weakness because you are showing a self doubt and highlighting priming.
It is their understanding of social etiquette and protocol as well as knowing that social structures throughout the heirarchy now reward results regardless of how that result has been achieved, means that all they need is the backbone to push. To see risk but understand that psychology is such, that generally no one wants to stand up and be counted. That these types get away with it because no one wants to admit that they were wrong or show individuality of thought within a society that generally punishes those who stand out.
Their brazen-ness isn’t so much as brazen but niche capturing within today’s malignant psychology. It is very smart and skillful and to that end, I admire it, but this talent is used in a soul destroying way when it could so easily have been tuned into a soul evolving way – collectively.
When you look to others for alignment in your rage and they do not follow, even if you know that they have seen it for themselves then sure, feel let down (once more, don’t feel ashamed about your natural reaction to this), but during quiet time alone analyse the situation for its true meaning. Know that people are utility and for whatever reason, that person who trampled on you is of use to those who turn a blind eye. It could be because the person who has harmed you knows secrets about them too or it could be as simple as the Narcissist gives them power in some way (always controlled and always giddy euphoria to begin with in a short burst then a minimal drip, but a superiority is given against you in some form or another). ‘Positive’ or ‘Negative’ exchange, be sure that there is an exchange happening – and be certain that the MN/Narcissist will cut it off as soon as they are of no use…and ruin their characters should they try and continue the exchange when the MN/Narcissist has cut it off.
Now, let us look at practical ways that you can defend wisely without swaying away from your truth path. Let us look at being aware and then protecting yourself while you are forced to live side by side with the unwoken and also the harmful.
It is impossible to say that you can live your life completely removed from Malignant Narcissism and its derivatives because our entire societal infrastructure is created by it and has bred it right down to familial level.
What one must do is understand oneself; show compassion and trust for yourself and finally, increase the amount of like minded people around you while minimising unnecessary contact with MN’s and their derivatives.
Above everything else, know that you are here to serve but you are not a servant in chains. We find growth through reciprocality, not martyrdom to a vacuum. You are not in chains, but your connection can be just as strong and it is only you that can decide who needs you and how much you want to give.
Help but when you are kicked, help yourself .
Now, the practicality of this meaning.
When you feel uplifted by helping others or being around others, continue to do so. This means that it is reciprocal because you are getting help from who has received help from you. It is of equal exchange.
Should a person be poison to you and you also see them being poison towards others, yet you are the only person who seems to be (externally and openly) enraged by it then stand back and remove yourself from that area. To re enter or continue within it means that trying to ‘help’ others (see it/feel enraged/stand against them/admit that you were right etc.) is more important to you than your own well being. Do not let your ego overtake your sense of survival.
It is infuriating when no one stands by your side, but people will as soon as you show trust within yourself.
There are other people who feel as outraged as you but as equally unsure of their own strength.
For me, I remain civil (depending on the level of harm cast on me) but do not give one inch, nor one chance of self doubt. I leave nothing to chance.
You harm me once now, make me feel defensive (listen to how your body reacts and then act accordingly) and should I need to remain in your company then I will show no patience to you. Those half truths, starter rumours, ‘in jokes’, ribbing, sly digs, nods and winks to others in the group – absolutely anything and everything that you would allow a real friend or colleague to do (as thats interaction) – I do not allow a MN/Narcissist to do and don’t give a damn what other people think. The worst that they will think is that you are an absolute tight ass with no sense of humor – so what. All you need to do is show your true, loving and helping self to those who value it and rumour is quashed.
I have jokes and self depracating laughs with those who approach me as an equal, I take a zero tolerance approach to those who twist it to raise themselves to a higher platform and whoever clambers on board the MN/Narcissist platform while this is happening, I know the limits I need to put on them too.
Seeing the truth, seeing through the lies and being aware of yourself is a blessing. Knowing what to do with it and how to protect yourself is a challenge but not one out of your capability. Realising that your life may well be richer now but with more hurdles doesnt mean that you can’t cope, it means that you just haven’t found the right approach …but, it will come.
You stand firm; not just when seeing the truth but when defending your worth. Let those go who dont see the value in you because you are not chained to anyone you don’t want to be.
There is no shame in telling others that while they may like that person, you do not.
Keep it simple, don’t over complicate it because our truth path is a straight road. You are, beauty in its purest form and the true eye will always value this.
Please let me know if anyone would like me to qualify this with examples as I wrote this visually.
Take care and don’t give anything away to those who see you as an inferior. Equal exchange only.
During my absence I have discovered that we are happily expecting our second child. I have also secured myself a career that will financially reward me for my work horse ethic and while it is classed as an area that is predominantly a magnet for Narcissists, I have entered it with a confidence and surety of who I am.
This has been tested by one such Narcissist within the very short space of time that I have been there (a matter of weeks) – he obviously picked up the ‘scent’ that I had been primed previously. Something which I still need to work on in removing. However, what this person did not know is that I am no longer that primed person and I gave that person the shock of his life when I turned the tables on him, and he became publicly outed.
His tail is firmly between his legs and I have no remorse for what I did, nor will I ever throw him a bone. It is entirely questionable if he will even have his job in the long run – and if he ever tries to cross me again, then I will not think twice in attacking again.
Until that point, I am happy to wipe him out of my view and get on with my new career and not even so much as acknowledge his presence. Every time he has tried to get back into my good books (the usual ego stroking), I stare at him blankly and walk away.
This tells me that I am truly on the right path with learning who I am and what I can do; when you are sure of who you are and accept your past as part of you – but not of your future – then you can walk among anyone and shine.
I am shining, it is my time to shine and I will work hard to continue shining. It is like a psychic impenetrability, they arent get into my head anymore and I have solidified myself and my experience into a worthy opponent.
Within business, MN’s will protect and encourage Narcissists and allow these types to over run those who are not. Narcissists (not MN’s) are superficial in their knowledge of things – they will latch on to those who have worked hard to become knowledgeable and/or latch on to those who work hard. They will claim it as their own and regurgitate in a robotic fashion whatever they have taken from their ‘victims’ then publicly and privately try and destroy that persons reputation and self worth.
This is allowed and indeed encouraged as long as that Narcissist has the overall ‘image’ that business wants to project.
The key is to know and understand that their loyalty to each other is only as far as it maintains that image and does not impact financially on that business or their own image.
Considering that this persons knowledge was nil and fully dependent on capitalising on my ethics of being part of a team and sharing my hard work with others, then it was pretty easy to highlight his detrimental impact on the business image and future financial intake.
He now has his work cut out for him to prove that he isn’t a risk and no one feels the need to humour him. He enters the workplace in silence and leaves in silence – he has no power and no amount of ‘image’ will return that illusion back to him.
Of course, I will forever be in his radar and he will take any opportunity available to ‘get back at me’ but if you know that you are marked then its less of a threat than when it comes out of the blue.
It has also come to my attention that the reason why these types can get in-roads back within your environment to cause more harm is because of your over exaggerated levels of empathy – untrained, unfocused and most importantly, without any respect for your own worthiness – this is the ‘weakness’ that needs to be worked on within you to become a strength.
It is a strength but you must learn to focus it better and know the difference between loving someone but removing them from your life and loving them but confusing that with not loving yourself.
I work within the team and feel others and empathise with others. With regards to that person, I have re directed the empathy I would have had for him prior, towards those who deserve it. The only thing he receives is a cold, hard wall.
It does not make you a bad person for shutting people out who harm you. You of course may understand where they are coming from, why they do what they do or may even believe that they may not mean what they are doing – but no matter what you believe you are feeling the consequences of your belief and you are being harmed, yet you find their excuses (or the reason you want to believe) more worthy than your own safety.
Empathy isn’t there to make you subject to harm – if this happens then you are untrained, unfocused and not ready – it is there to connect and learn and mutually heal. It is there for progression. It is there for mutual progression.
Compassion, in its truest sense, is to understand compassion towards yourself comes first before you share it with others.
When you come across these types protect yourself compassionately and never once falter or delude yourself into thinking that empathy means holding that person up while you crumble beneath because you ‘know really why they do what they do’.
I will come back to this topic and also discuss taking responsibility for staying within the chaos. I will also be speaking about Narcissists and throats.
For now, I wish you well.
The Walking Narcissists - The True Living Dead 